


Wish on the Moon

by FivePips, jennandblitz



Series: Rock 'n' Pole [6]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Anxiety, Arguments, Asexual Character, Asexuality Spectrum, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Genderfluid Character, Light Dom/sub, Other, Recreational Drug Use, Rope Bondage, Smut, Spanking, Therapy, Tickling, asexual!Remus, genderfluid!Sirius, mentions of past rape/non-con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-10
Updated: 2019-10-18
Packaged: 2020-12-07 11:48:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 51,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20975402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FivePips/pseuds/FivePips, https://archiveofourown.org/users/jennandblitz/pseuds/jennandblitz
Summary: Sirius and Remus' wedding is getting closer and closer, but an unexpected meeting sets off a chain of events that they need to work together to recover from, even with Tuscany on the horizon.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Keep an eye on tags as we go on please guys!

The wedding was approaching closer and closer and there was still a lot to do. Remus wasn’t too worried because they were making their way through the list together. It was exciting and he couldn’t wait for the next few months to fly by for them to be in Tuscany again, but this time to get married.

They were spending their Saturday afternoon at the pole studio. It apparently had gone on too long with everyone, saying it would be a thing, for it to finally be a thing. Remus wanted to look at wedding cakes all day, but here he was about to make an arse out of himself in front of nearly everyone he loved and cared about.

He arrived early to find Sirius alone in the studio dancing as always, hanging from their knees as Gimme by Banks played throughout the studio.

Sirius spun around a little, grinning through the hair falling into their eyes. “Hi caro!”

“Hi, love.” Remus laughed as he got closer. “Having fun?”

“Mhmm!” Sirius spun around and did something complicated looking so that they had their knees around the pole, leaning back on one arm. “Just playing around.”

“Ha, yeah, just playing around. Don’t think you’re going to get the rest of of twisting about like that.” Remus moved to kiss their lips quickly.

Sirius leaned out, letting go of the pole so they were only holding on with their legs, leaning closer to Remus. “I know, I know. Marly and I have something  _ very _ simple planned for you caro, don’t worry.”

“Oh good. I’ll hide in the corner.” Remus looked at the pole in the back corner, arm against around Sirius’ middle.

“Nuh-uh, front and centre please!”

“No! You’ll have to do something very nice to me tonight to do that.” Remus gave them a sly look. “Or let me do something maybe not so nice to you.”

Sirius bit their lip, adjusting the placement of their knee on the pole. “Perhaps.”

“Perhaps? So, am I going to hide in the back or suffer front and center?” Remus kissed them soundly.

“Mmm,” Sirius hummed, pulling back after a moment. “Front and centre, and if you try really hard, you can do what you like tonight.”

Remus felt a little flip in his stomach as the door opened behind them.

“God, get a room.” Peter complained loudly.

“Deal.” Remus whispered then looked to Peter who was walking in with Mary. “Hi you two.”

Sirius laughed, pulling away and finally slipping down from the pole. “Hi!”

“I’m so excited, Sirius. This is going to be so fun.” Mary came in with a grin, practically running over to hug Sirius.

“Yeah, grand old time.” Peter huffed, trailing behind his wife.

Sirius hugged back, chuckling, just as Frank and Alice came into the room, looking pristine as always. “Hello all,” Frank called.

“Welcome to my personal hell.” Remus snorted a laugh as Marlene and Dorcas paraded in all tanned from their honeymoon.

Marlene came over and hugged Sirius, then immediately pulled them away from the group, presumably to plot their downfall of the whole group and their descent into embarrassment.

“How was the honeymoon, Dorky?” Peter asked her, leaning against one of the poles.

“Oh! So nice. Not that we saw much of the outside world.” She winked.

“Jesus, are you Marlene?” Remus scoffed as James and Lily came in.

“Who’s ready to be put to shame by James The Dolphin Potter?” James held his arms out.

Sirius snorted a laugh, apparently overhearing, but quickly turned back to Marlene.

Alice crossed her arms. “I guarantee you will fall over, James.”

“I will have you know, Alice Longbottom, I’ve been working out with Marlene and Dorcas regularly. The Dolphin is back.” James declared, coming over to the group.

“Sure, sure,” Alice said, smiling. “Good job, Potter.”

“I’m sure it will give you so much advantage.” Lily rolled her eyes.

“It will, it will.” James puffed out his chest. “Just you wait.”

“So, you want to go hide in the corner?” Peter asked him.

Remus looked over at Sirius who was chatting with Marlene by the sound system now. “Ah, no, I’ve been made to do this whole thing front and center. You’ll all get to laugh at me until the end of time.”

“I’m looking forward to it.” Dorcas snorted as Regulus came sliding in, Ben right behind him.

“Sorry we’re late!” Regulus jogged over to the group.

Remus snorted a laugh when he saw a hickey blossoming on his neck. Must run in the family, Remus thought.

“Sure you were rather busy.” Mary smiled serenely and Ben’s cheeks went pink.

Sirius had turned at the sound of their brother’s voice and Remus didn’t miss the way their eyes widened a little and they seemed to open and close their mouth for a moment without knowing what to say.

“Right, come on,” James said, “time for the Dolphin to show you all up.”

“I’m ready to embarrass myself so much Sirius decides they no longer want to marry me.” Remus went to stand next to the pole right in the front.

Sirius and Marlene strode to the front of the room, looking entirely gleeful. Remus was sort of nervous for the grin on Sirius’ face, and it turned out he was right. They  _ said _ it was easy what they were teaching the group, how to climb the pole and spin around, but it was not easy  _ at all _ . Much to his disappointment, The Dolphin fell flat on his face within the first thirty seconds, and it didn’t seem to improve the whole time.

The whole group couldn’t help their laughter after all of James’ bravado to begin the lesson. Remus was at least happy he didn’t fall on his face as he did the climb and the spin around. “I’m trying  _ really _ hard, Sirius.” Remus grinned at them.

Sirius grinned, walking between them to correct people. They put a hand on Remus’ back. “I know, caro, I can see. Shoulders back though.”

Rmus adjust his shoulders. “Like that?”

“Mm, perfect.” Sirius grinned as they skirted around him, letting their hand trail down over his arse.

“Excuse me, this is a place of business. How unprofessional.” Remus glared at them but there was no real heat behind it.

Sirius put their hands up, moving away. “No idea what you mean, caro.”

Remus rolled his eyes. “Better not be getting handsy with Peter to show him what he’s doing wrong.” He snickered.

“Wouldn’t you like to know.” Sirius grinned, moving away and, Remus was sure, purposefully going over to Peter to help him.

Remus laughed as he went through the steps they were taught again.

Sirius and Marlene showed them another spin, which was more complicated. Remus refused to look at how everyone else was doing but judging by the sounds some of his friends were making, they couldn’t have been doing great. “I should have bought my chalk bag with me.” Remus went over to get some chalk from the box, passing by Sirius.

“Having fun?” Sirius said, apparently unable to stop smiling. Their hair was coming out of the bun it was in and they were a little flushed.

“Yeah, I guess.” Remus kissed their cheek. “You are.”

“You  _ guess _ . You’re so rude, caro, honestly.”

Remus shrugged with a smirk as he got some chalk. “I love watching you have fun.”

“I’m having fun seeing you on a pole, darling.” Sirius leaned in and kissed the corner of his mouth.

“Stop kissing! You are supposed to be teaching,” James complained, losing grip on the pole again.

Sirius rolled their eyes. “It’s a teaching mechanic, thank you Potter.”

“I don’t think kissing me is going to help much.” Mary laughed as she flew around the pole.

“Mare, you don’t need any help, wow.” Remus was impressed.

“Mare, you’re doing great, you’re a natural,” Sirius said, moving away from Remus. “Potter you look like a beached seal.”

“How dare you!” James scoffed and Lily let out a loud laugh.

Remus stopped at Regulus on his way back to the pole. He was staring at it in confusion. “This is really hard, huh?”

“Oh yeah. Your sibling is like air on it though.”

“They’re so talented.” Regulus nodded. “How are you faring?”

“Oh, like shite, but I’m trying.” Remus nodded, looking at Reg with a grin.

Sirius was demonstrating something again to James, but was probably laughing too hard to do it properly.

Ben came over from his own pole. “Reg, you’re doing great.”

“I am not!”

“You’re better than me.” Remus laughed.

“Alright, class!” Marly clapped her hands, drawing their attention back to the front. “We’re gonna try one last thing, to see if we can put what we’ve got so far into a _teeny_, very simple—” she was lying, it wouldn’t be simple— “routine.”

“Lies.” Remus muttered, going back to his own pole. “What are you making us do?”

Marlene smiled, showing a routine that didn’t look simple at all and managed to talk through it the whole way, as if it was no big deal. Sirius was amusing themselves spinning around their own pole whilst Marly was explaining, spinning and twisting.

Remus sighed, Sirius better make the rest of the night better. “That’s impossible.”

“I would have to agree.” Peter said somewhere behind him as James let out another weird noise like he fell.

“I think I got it already, Marly, can you run through it one more time?” Mary asked happily.

“I’m much better with ballet.” Lily sighed.

Remus watched Sirius beaming as they spun around the pole, looking as if it was no big deal. He groaned. “Marly, can you go a little slower this time?”

Marlene rolled her eyes. “Yep, one more time. But I keep telling you all, you just have to  _ feel _ it.”

“Feel it, yeah, sure.” Remus muttered, watching her.

He  _ tried _ hard enough, he hoped, for Sirius to let him do whatever he wanted tonight because he had some plans. Maybe something to get back at them for the torture on the pole. They went to dinner once the torture was completed, and everyone had a good time laughing at each other. Well, they were mostly laughing at James because his ego had been dashed so quickly. Dorcas did the perfect impression of the man making the weird noise he kept making as he fell.

Remus was thankful they weren’t going to drink after because most of the group was a bit sore from the pole. “You’re so talented, princess.” Remus had his arm around their waist as they walked from the bus stop.

Sirius leaned into him, still smiling ear to ear. “I had so much fun.”

“Did I try hard enough for you?”

“Mmm, I think so?”

Remus nodded as they came to their building. “Oh good, so I can do anything I’d like tonight?”

Sirius bit their lip. “Maybe. Perhaps you can convince me a little more.”

Remus led them up the stairs, thinking. “I don’t think I should have to.”

“You were a little sassy, that’s a strike against you as far as I’m concerned.”

“You like me sassy.” He got his keys out of his pocket.

“See?” Sirius pressed their mouth against his shoulder. “Convince me a little. Maybe if you had a  _ plan _ for tonight I might agree you tried very hard.”

Remus opened the door, dragging Sirius in with him. He pinned them against the wall, kicking the door closed as he covered Sirius’ neck in kisses. Sirius managed a laugh before their breath hitched, arching against him, their head tilted back.

“Go to the bedroom, get undressed, put on the collar, and get out the rope. And don’t touch yourself.” Remus bit down on their neck.

Sirius moaned softly. “Ask nicely.”

“I don’t have to ask nicely, princess.” Remus’ hand trailed down their side.

They grabbed his hand, squeezing tightly. “If you tickle me, I promise you’re not gonna get off with me for like, a month.”

“That’s fine with me.” Remus shrugged, he could deal with it. “I think you’d suffer more than me.”

Sirius made a little frustrated noise. “Ask nicely, caro, and I’ll be really, really good and let you do anything.”

Remus smirked, dropping his other hand and tickling them while kissing their neck at the same time.

“Ah! No, fuck--christ, Remus.” Sirius grabbed at his hands through their laughter, managing to wrench one away.

“I asked you to do something, princess.” Remus pinned them back.

Sirius let out a little  _ ooft _ as Remus pinned them, eyes going wide for a moment before there was a determined look to them. “Ask  _ nicely _ ,” they said softly.

With a huff, Remus pinned them back a little harder. “Princess, will you  _ please _ go to the bedroom, get undressed, get the rope out, and put the collar on. Then I’m going to tie you up and spank you so hard you’ll have difficulty sitting for a day or so.”

Slowly, Sirius smiled and Remus watched the flush set in over their face. “Yes, of course, caro. You’ll have to let me go, first.”

Remus kissed their neck once more before stepping back. “Oh, Sirius, why don’t you put on those thigh highs we bought together too?”

Sirius smiled. “Of course, caro,” they murmured, skirting past Remus to go towards the bedroom. As they did, they pulled off their shirt, leaving it in a heap on the floor in the hallway.

Remus rolled his eyes, going to the kitchen to fill two glasses with water. He was trying to think of the aftercare stuff he had read. They wanted to make sure Sirius was comfortable. Maybe they’d have another bath is Sirius was up for it. They liked it the last time they did this. Remus looked at the clock and decided to wait five more minutes, which would make Sirius antsy but that was the whole purpose.

He pulled out his phone and scrolled through social media to try to occupy his brain. But his brain kept thinking about Sirius sprawled out naked on their bed with their hair around them. It was a test of his wills that he managed to wait the full five minutes before going down the hallway. He grabbed Sirius’ shirt on the way, careful not to spill the waters.

When he walked into the room he found Sirius laying on their front with their thigh highs on. Remus dropped the shirt in the basket then set the glasses down. “Couldn’t put the shirt away?” Remus hopped on the bed, grabbing the rope.

Sirius turned their head to the side, still smiling serenely. “Had to do  _ exactly _ what you told me Rem. Tidy up wasn’t part of the instructions.”

“You’re such a brat.” Remus grabbed their wrists, bringing them to the small of their back.

They wriggled a little, watching him as they rolled their shoulders, probably to get comfy rather than fight against him. “You’re handsy today.”

“I’m handsy? You grabbed my arse in the middle of the class.” Remus rolled his eyes as he began to wind the rope around their wrists.

“Lightly caressed your arse in the course of correcting your positioning, Remus,” Sirius chided, like they were the one in control.

“You were talking about my shoulders, not my arse at that point.” Remus tightened the rope a little. “How’s that feel?”

“Good.”

“Not too tight? Or should it be tighter?” Remus leaned forward to kiss their back.

Sirius shivered. “You can go tighter, if you want to.” They paused, Remus thought they were biting their lip. “I might be able to wriggle out of it like this.”

“Thank you for being honest.” Remus pressed another kiss then tightened the rope.

“Ah… you’re welcome, caro.”

Remus added a few more loops and knots to the wrists before bringing the rope around their lower back. He eased the rope under Sirius’ stomach, purposefully grazing their cock as he did so. Sirius groaned, pressing their hips into the mattress, but didn’t say anything. Remus gave them a sharp slap. “Don’t move.” He continued with one more loop around their waist.

“Ah, fucking hell…” Sirius hissed, going still.

Remembering the video he had watched, Remus crossed the rope under Sirius then looped it twice just under their arse. He repeated it on the other leg before bringing the rope back up to Sirius’ wrists to finish the tie off. “Gorgeous. Do you want me to take a picture of it again so you can see?”

Sirius shifted, pulling their shoulders up a little, as much as they could. “Yeah.”


	2. Chapter 2

Sirius really couldn’t move, in the best possible way. Remus had tied their arms behind their back and then looped the rope around their middle and their hips so they couldn’t pull their arms up over their head. It was the same as last time, as soon as Remus began tying the rope around them, Sirius relaxed and just let him.

“You’re so beautiful,” Remus murmured as he took the picture. Sirius closed their eyes and let him. They felt beautiful. There was the sound of the camera being set down and the drawer opening. They felt Remus climb into bed behind them. “Do you want me to spank you, princess?”

“If that’s what you want to do,” Sirius said, feeling a little floaty. They wanted to grind their hips into the mattress but Remus would tell them off again.

“I need you to tell me, Sirius.” Remus rubbed a rough palm over the swell of their arse.

Sirius pushed their hips back into his touch. They didn’t know if they could ask for it, even if they wanted it.

“Sirius, what do you want?” Remus repeated. “You need to use your words, princess.”

“Ah…” Sirius breathed. They were torn between what they knew Remus wanted and what they thought they should want, just for a moment. “Yes.”

“Yes, isn’t what I’m looking for, love. What do you want? You need to tell me what you want.” Remus spoke in a calm, even tone.

“Iwantyoutospankme,” Sirius said in a rush, unable to stop it tumbling out of their mouth.

“What?” Remus let out a soft laugh. “Princess, you need to be a bit more clear. Take a deep breath.”

Sirius groaned. They took a deep breath and pressed their face into the pillow for a moment before turning their head to the side again. “I would like you to spank me. Please.”

“Are you sure?” Remus’ hands caressed down their thigh.

“Yes,” said Sirius, before they’d even thought on it properly, pushing back towards him.

“Okay, what’s our safe word?”

“Waffles.”

“Anytime you want to stop, just say it and I will.” Remus kissed the small of their back.

“Yes.” Sirius held their breath, waiting.

Remus pressed a few kisses to the swell of their arse before sitting back. He ran a gentle hand over Sirius for a moment then there was a soft smack to where he had kissed before more rubbing. A second later, the hand went up then came down again, harder this time.

“Ah!” Sirius bit their lip, eyes fluttering shut, relishing the sensation, Remus’ hands on them.

After more soft touches, Remus’ other hand came down, smacking the flesh on the other cheek a few times in quick succession. “You’re so good princess.”

Sirius moaned, their hips pressing forward then back as they bit their lip. “Fuck…”

“Do you want me to go harder?” Remus gave them a little tap on their thigh.

“You said you’ll spank me so hard I’ll have difficulty sitting for a day or so.” Sirius smiled to themselves, bracing for what Remus would do next.

“Do you want me to go harder, princess?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, princess.” Remus practically whispered before his hand came down harder.

The slaps became quicker, and harder with little breaks in between as Remus switched hands.

“Ohh, oh fuck Remus—” Sirius moaned, panting hard at the pain and the pleasure, wanting more but they didn’t know what becuase they couldn’t think.

Remus didn’t let up for some time, not that they could figure out how long he had been carrying on. At some point he stopped and there was the sound of the lube opening. Sirius felt a cool finger down their cleft then it teased at his entrance before pressing into Sirius. Not even a second later, Remus’ free hand came down for another slap.

“Ah!” Sirius let out a sharp gasp, trying to bring one knee up beneath them so they could press back towards him. “Fuck, oh fuck.”

“You’ve been doing so good, princess, stop moving.” He smacked them harder, twisting the finger inside them.

“Ohh, god.” Remus’ fingers. They were always so good and Sirius wanted so badly to push back against them but they couldn’t. “Okay, okay,” they panted, biting their lip.

“Perfect, you’re perfect like this.” Remus pushed in another finger then slapped them again three times in quick succession.

Sirius whimpered, feeling like they had tensed every muscle in their body in an effort not to move. Remus’ words were in sharp contrast to his slaps and it was entirely too much for Sirius to handle. “Oh my fucking god, Remus.”

“You’re so good.” He continued to spank them. “You’re going to have some nice bruises on you tomorrow I think.” He spoke softly, fingers moving inside Sirius as the other hand came down again.

“Ah, I—I love your bruises.”

“Yeah? Will these be better than the hickeys?” Remus added another finger inside them.

“Fuck… can’t—can’t show them off as well as the hickeys.” Sirius pressed back towards him.

“Stay still, princess.” Remus punctuated every word with a smack and a thrust of his fingers. “And no, these bruises are just for you.”

“Ah, oh… just for you, caro. Fuck.”

Remus gave them a few more hard slaps before pulling his fingers out. He pressed a few kisses to the abused flesh, laving it with his tongue. “Can I fuck you, princess?”

Sirius whimpered. Remus’ tongue was so soft and hot against the tender flesh of their arse. “Please.”

“Oh, thank you for saying please.” Remus kissed the flesh one more time before moving back. It sounded like he was getting undressed. “Can you get your knees under you princess, to kneel a bit?”

Sirius hummed, shifting a little. “I think so.” They brought one knee up beneath them, then the other, shifting to get comfortable. Sirius couldn’t imagine what they looked like right now, arse in the air, all bright red, hands tied behind their back.

There’s the sound of the camera again. “Sorry, you just look so good, princess.” Remus rubbed their back.

“Ah… yeah—fuck.”

Remus moved behind them and a moment later there was a hand on their hip and Remus’ cock pressing against them. Sirius couldn’t really move much but they pressed back as much as they could, wanting him inside them.

“Stay still, princess.” Remus laughed softly before sinking all the way into them. “Shit, you feel so good.”

Sirius moaned sharply, a keening noise really. They wanted to clench their fingers in the sheets but they were pinned behind them, they wanted to push back against Remus, but they couldn’t move. Remus fucked them fast and hard, holding on to the hair at the base off their skull.

“Shit, you’re so good.” Remus moaned.

“Oh, fuck, Remus, ah, god I love—I love your cock.”

“Yeah?” Remus groaned, snapping his hips forward.

After a few more thrusts, Remus grabbed the ropes and hauled Sirius up so their back was against Remus’ chest, just separated by the hands at the small of his back. Remus pressed a few kisses to their neck. “God, are you close?”

Sirius’ head dropped back onto Remus’ shoulder, biting their lip hard. Their whole body was on fire with the way Remus hauled them up. “Ah… yes, fuck, so close.”

Remus wrapped a hand around Sirius, moving in time with his hips. “Me too. Shit. Ah, fuck.”

“Ohhhh, god, god fuck.” Sirius moaned with every panting breath, shuddering at Remus’ strokes. It took only a handful of strokes before Sirius came with a sharp cry. Everything felt so much, the rope around their waist and round their wrists and their thighs and Remus’ cock in them and his hand on their cock. Sirius couldn’t think.

“Shit, fuck, are you okay, Sirius?”

“Yeah… fuck, oh… so good, fuck.”

Remus pressed a kiss to Sirius’ shoulder, pulling out carefully. “Let me get you out of these ropes. You were so good, Sirius.”

Sirius’ mouth felt a little out of control. “Did you come?”

“Yeah, I did.” Remus kissed their shoulder again before Sirius felt him start untying the ropes. “Are you okay?”

“So good,” Sirius murmured. “You’re amazing.”

“You’re amazing too. When I untie you, what do you need?” Remus’ voice was soft as he unwound the rope.

“A drink, and a kiss,” Sirius responded again, like Remus’ words just bypassed their brain entirely.

“Okay.” Remus got the ropes of quickly. “Can you move to the pillows? I have water here. I’ll get you a cloth too after I give you a kiss.”

“Mhmm.” Sirius sank back onto the pillows, on their side rather than their arse because that felt sore.

“I think I have some lotion for your arse that might feel nice.” Remus licked his lips then pressed them to Sirius’. “You’re so great, love.”

“Yeah.” Sirius leaned forward to kiss him again, humming softly. “In a minute.”

Remus kissed back softly. “Can I get you that stuff, you can drink some water while I do?”

“Okay.” Sirius leaned forward and kissed him again.

Remus kissed back before moving away from the bed. “Here’s your water.” Remus smiled, pressing the glass into their hand. “I’ll be right back, okay?”

“Love you,” Sirius said, downing a big gulp of the water. They wanted to cuddle some more but Remus was going to get something.

“I love you too. I’ll be back, I promise, in like 30 seconds.” Remus went for the door, holding up a finger.

“Okay, I’ll count.” Sirius grins a little.

Remus basically ran out of the room. Sirius wasn’t sure how long he was away for but their eyes closed for a moment, still breathing a little heavy, the back of their thighs burning.

“I’m back.” Remus’ voice sounded a bit far for a moment.

“Hi caro.”

“Hi love, you look very tired. I’m just going to clean you up then we’ll cuddle, okay?” Remus was back on the bed suddenly.

“Mmm, sounds good.” Sirius wasn’t holding their water glass. Had they put it down? They must’ve.

“Are you sure you’re okay, Sirius?” Remus pressed the cool cloth against them, cleaning them up so they wouldn’t feel gross in the morning.

Sirius stretched out, letting Remus look after them. “So good. I feel a little floaty. I bet my arse is bright red, isn’t it?”

“Yes, very red. Does it hurt a lot?” Remus tosses his cloth aside.

“Hurts a bit. Nice… nice hurt, I guess?”

“A nice hurt, okay.” Remus hummed and then there was something cool being put against their arse. “Just some lotion.”

Sirius chuckled. “A nice hurt. Like your hickeys or when I fuck you real good. A nice hurt.”

“Ah, I see.” Remus’ hands moved over them gently. “How should we cuddle?”

“Not spoon,” Sirius said with a chuckle. “Just, c’mere.” They rolled onto their side, wanting to just cuddle somehow.

“What if I lay on my back and you just cuddle up to me? Will that work?” Remus shuffled down into the bed.

“Mhmm.” Sirius smiled, grabbing Remus’ arm and pulling him down. “Stop worrying so much. Just come here and cuddle me.”

“Jesus, okay, okay.” Remus wrapped his arms around them. “You were perfect tonight, thank you.”

Sirius cuddled up to him, resting their head on his shoulder. “Thank you.”

“Are you sure you’re okay? You’re a bit drunk-like. Have you read about this? Is this normal?” Remus hugged them.

“Shhh, Rem, it’s all fine. You’re so good, you did good, I feel good.” Sirius pressed a kiss to his shoulder.

“Okay, I love you. You liked it all? Was there something not good?”

“I liked it. You think it’s… bruised?” Sirius smiled at the thought, strangely.

“Yeah, I think it bruised this time.” Remus pressed a kiss to their forehead. “You have some pretty indents from the rope too.”

“Yeah? You tightened them quite a bit…” Sirius swallowed, their eyes slipping shut.

“Not too tight, right?” Remus asked.

“Just right. Stop worrying, caro.”

“Okay, okay.” Remus hugged them. “Go to sleep, love.”

“Night, I love you.”

That was the last thing Sirius remembered before they fell asleep.

In the morning, Sirius woke up in practically the same position, pressed against Remus. After a few moments, rarely ever one to lie in bed, Sirius slipped out from under the covers and stretched. The back of their thighs and their arse felt so tender, still. Biting their lip, Sirius padded to the mirror, turning to look at their arse in the reflection. Oh, it was red, maybe about to start bruising too. There were tiny little bruises across the tops of their hipbones too. It was perfect.

“Sirius?” Remus mumbled from the bed.

They turned back towards him, smiling. He was practically still asleep. “I’m here.”

“What are you doing?” Remus yawned, not moving from his pillow.

“Seeing if you left bruises,” Sirius murmured, crossing over to the bed.

“Did I?” Remus hugged his pillow.

“Oh yeah,” Sirius said emphatically, sitting on the edge of the bed. “Beautiful ones.”

“Mmm, good. You like it?”

“Yeah. Wanna see?” Sirius leaned forwards, stroking his fingers through Remus’ hair.

“Mmm, yeah.” Remus opens his eyes, blinking sleepily.

Sirius stood up, turning away from the bed, glancing down over their shoulder to see the red swell of their arse, watching Remus’ face.

Remus’ eyes widen. “Oh. It’s so pretty. Do you like it?”

“I love it.” Sirius grinned at his face. “So pretty.”

“Did you see the pictures I took?” Remus gestured to the nightstand.

“No?” Sirius turned around, stretching onto their toes. They picked up the polaroids, biting their lip. “Shit… my arse was so red.”

Remus nodded, closing his eyes. “Looked nice.”

“You liked it?” Sirius sat on the edge of the bed, running their fingers through Remus’ hair. “Bet you did.”

He hummed at the touch, not opening his eyes. “Yeah it… it was insanely, I don’t know. Something about you trusting me to do that and… yeah. You liked it?”

“I liked trusting you. I liked feeling good for you, like I was doing what you wanted. I liked… I liked it hurting because I know that it’s you doing it and that means it’s good.”

Remus wrapped an arm around Sirius and pulled them close. “I’ve thought about this stuff before distantly. Like it was intriguing but scary. But that was the opposite of scary, it was beautiful and so fucking hot. I love you Sirius, you’re so perfect for me. You bring out everything in me that I’ve buried for… for so long.” He kissed their temple.

Sirius all-but melted at Remus’ words, biting their lip. “I’m so happy. I don’t want anything to be scary for you, caro. I feel so good that I can give this to you, you’re… you’re so good.”

“You did worry me when you were all out of it last night.” Remus kissed their shoulder.

“I was fine. I was just… I dunno… blissed out.”

“But it was like… whole other level. You didn’t even know that I came. Then you were basically asleep within the thirty second I stepped out of the room. I was concerned a bit.” Remus huffed a breath. “I mean I could tell you were happy but, I don’t know.” He shrugged.

“It felt good. I don’t know, I just wanted you here. I just wanted cuddles.” Sirius smiled softly, they didn’t know what had happened last night either, but it had been so so good.

“Maybe we should check if it’s like a usual thing.” Remus brushed their hair from their forehead. “I did okay after, right? Making sure you were okay?”

“You did good, darling. I promise.” Sirius turned and kissed his wrist. “I enjoyed it.”

“Okay, okay.” Remus pulled them closer.

Sirius cuddled up to him, smiling. There was a moment’s pause before they rolled their eyes. “Okay, pass me my phone.”

Remus grinned and reached over to the side table where Sirius’ phone was. “Here, love.”

“I’m googling it for you, okay?” Sirius smiled, kissing his jawline.

“You’re so very sweet.” Remus sighed at the kisses.

“Of course I am,” Sirius said, especially sweetly.

“Yeah, yeah, I know, princess.” Remus gave them a squeeze. “Find anything?”

Sirius hummed, frowning as they read. “I think? Sub-drop?”

“What’s that? Does it always happen? Should it happen? Is it okay?” Remus rambled on.

Rolling their eyes, Sirius leaned up and kissed him. “Shut up, caro.”

“I’m curious!” Remus groaned, rolling away from them a little.

“It doesn’t happen all the time, it’s the… down from the rush of endorphins, apparently? It can make you all withdra—no, wait, that’s not right. It’s sub-space. That’s what I mean. It’s when you’re all floaty on endorphins. I think? It’s normal, it’s chemical.”

Remus let out a long breath. “Okay, that makes me feel better.” Remus moved closer again and kissed them. “I love you.”


	3. Chapter 3

Two weeks later they were out shopping for a suit for Remus. Sirius had been dragging him all over, looking for just the right thing. The shop they were in was very hip and very them, it felt like. Remus was looking at a bright blue suit. “I think this one is a bit too much.” Remus pointed to it and looked over at Sirius.

“I agree,” Sirius said, barely glancing at the suit. “I think blue is good, though, it would really suit you.” They paused looking through the options and flashed him a smile. “Brings out your eyes.”

“Yeah, yeah, sure. Whatever makes me look like the best garbage.” He went to grab Sirius’ hand, letting them take the lead. He really didn’t have the best fashion sense, at least in his opinion. At least Sirius liked it.

Sirius rolled their eyes, kissing the back of his hand. “My best garbage.” They pulled him a little further into the shop, going down an aisle before stopping dead.

“What?” Remus looked around. “What is it?”

“Look!” Sirius pointed at a rack. “That colour is  _ gorgeous! _ ”

There was a dark green suit. “That one? The green one?” Remus pointed as well.

“Yes! That colour would suit you so well!” Sirius crosses to the rack and snatched the suit up, holding it to Remus. “It’s beautiful.”

“Oh, yeah, it’s nice.” Remus nodded as Sirius held it up to him.

“ _ Nice. _ ” Sirius scoffed. “Try it on for me?”

“I like it, are nice things not good enough?” Remus laughed as Sirius pushed him towards the fitting room. “Don’t I need a collared shirt or something? I’m wearing a t-shirt.”

“It’s our  _ wedding _ , Remus. You need to love it.” Sirius shoved him into the little room. “I’ll go get you a shirt.”

“I’m visual! I need to see it on me!” Remus laughed as Sirius pulled the curtains shut then back open again.

“I know you’re bloody visual,” Sirius murmured, grinning at him for a moment.

“Okay, okay, go, I’ll get changed.” Remus hung the suit on the hook and started to take his shirt off after Sirius closed the curtains.

A few moments later Sirius came back with a white collared shirt, peeking their head through the curtains to pass it through. “Oh hi,” they said with a smile.

Remus was standing there with the green slim fit trousers open and no shirt. “Ah, hello, stop perving on me and give me that shirt, thank you.” He took it with a grin.

“Mm no, far too gorgeous.”

“Don’t you want a surprise?” Remus leaned forward and pressed a quick kiss to their lips.

Sirius groaned. “Fine,” they said before disappearing behind the curtain again.

Remus pulled on the white shirt, buttoning it and tucking it into the trousers before pulling on the vest and doing up those buttons. It was only when he slipped into the jacket, he turned to look in the mirror. He wasn’t one to boast about his looks, never really put much thought into them. Sirius loved him enough and told him how good looking he was all the time, so they couldn’t be lying. But seeing himself in this suit… he felt and looked like a badass.

“Sirius? You ready to see?” Remus asked.

“Mhmm!” 

Remus pulled aside the curtains and stepped out, standing tall with a grin on his face. “I love it.”

Sirius was already grinning at Remus’ words, but then their eyes travelled down over his body and got wider and wider. “Shit…”

“So… this one?” Remus laughed at Sirius’ reaction.

Sirius practically squirmed on the spot. “You look fucking gorgeous.”

“You okay there?” Remus chuckled at Sirius’ reaction.

“Yeah,” Sirius breathed, their eyes still taking in Remus’ outfit. “You like it? Feel good?”

“Yes, feels good, I love it. It makes me feel like a badass.” Remus laughed at himself.

“Yes!” Sirius grinned, pointing vaguely at Remus. “You  _ are  _ a badass! It looks so good, you look so good. Please get this one.”

“Of course I’m getting this one. I hardly want to take it off.” Remus looked down at it.

Sirius paused. “If you don’t I will.”

“Sirius!” Remus put a hand over his face.

“What?” Sirius grinned, biting their lip and attempting—failing—to look innocent. “I can’t help it.”

“I’m getting changed before you get any ideas.” Remus flushed.

“I think that’s probably a good idea,” Sirius said softly.

Remus turned around and went to go back into the room. Just as he was about to close the curtain, Sirius let out a wolf whistle. Remus turned around and rolled his eyes. “Really?”

Sirius looked over their shoulder as if it were someone else who had whistled, before looking back to Remus with their best  _ who me? _ expression. “What?”

“Cute.” He closed the curtains and went to getting undressed.

After changing, Remus hung everything back up and went out to Sirius. “All right, do you want to look for something or shall we go pay?”

“Nope, home now,” Sirius said quite brusquely.

“What!?” Remus gawked at them as they pushed him towards the register.

“Home, right now.” Sirius pressed against his back. “It’s still early we can come out again after but if you don’t take me home I’m gonna drag you somewhere secluded instead.”

“Sirius! We’re meant to buy James and Al something for their mate of honor gifts.” Remus laughed, his cheeks burning as he set the clothes on the counter.

“Find everything sir?” The person asked him.

“Yes.” Remus nodded then turned to Sirius who was looking at him as if they were going to devour him whole.

“Oh yes.” Sirius’ eyes flickered to the cashier then back to Remus.

Remus was very happy when he was able to pay for the suit before Sirius actually burst into flames or something dramatic. “Have a nice day.” Remus waved to the cashier as he took Sirius’ hand.

“Thank you!” Sirius trilled, already dragging Remus towards the exit.

“We have to get James and Al something. We’re having dinner with them tonight!” Remus laughed.

Sirius huffed, their hand on Remus’ arm. “Can we go home and then get them something later?”

Remus rolled his eyes. “Fine. We can put the suit away then go back out. I guess that works. We’ll just have to leave from shopping for dinner.”

“Yes, yes that’s fine,” Sirius said, smiling as they started down the street.

“I’m sort of meh right now, so you can just do whatever.” Remus laughed, pulling Sirius closer.

Sirius paused, looking at Remus earnestly. “We don’t have to, then.”

“No, really, it’s fine, I swear. I’ll happily kiss you and touch you and do whatever, I just don’t think I’ll get off.” Remus shook his head as he turned them down towards their flat.

“Okay, if you’re sure…” Sirius smiled mischievously. “You can just stand there in your suit and look gorgeous.”

“Oh my god, no, I’m not going to stand there awkwardly in my suit, Sirius.” Remus shook his head. “Plus, no real suit sex until the wedding! The wedding night, I’ll keep the suit on if you like.”

“Deal.” Sirius nodded decisively. “Okay fine, it can stay off for now.”

“Good. I’ll get naked if you want. I don’t mind that.” Remus spoke quietly.

“Oh yeah? You know I like looking at you caro,” Sirius murmured, pausing at a pedestrian crossing to kiss Remus’ cheek.

“I know you love looking at me. Voyeur.” Remus teased them before they started to walk again.

Sirius rolled their eyes. “Listen, you’re very attractive, Lupin.”

“Well it’s a good thing you’re marrying me then.”

“Ha!” Sirius’ cheeks turned pink. “I am, aren’t I?”

“You get to look at me whenever. I’m quite lucky too you know?” Remus kissed their cheek.

Sirius grinned, leaning into him. “Oh yeah?”

“You’re the most gorgeous creature on earth, I really lucked out.” Remus grinned.

“Flattery will get you everywhere, caro,” Sirius murmured, nudging into him.

“I’m just being honest.” Remus kissed their cheek as they came to their building.

“Oh sure. Come on, I wanna get my hands on you. Upstairs!” Sirius glanced around before smacking Remus on the thigh.

“All right, all right.” Remus led them up the stairs.


	4. Chapter 4

“Christ…” Sirius groaned, rolling onto their back, breathing heavy.

“Ha, get that out of your system?” Remus rubbed their chest.

Sirius nodded, grinning. “Yesss,” they murmured. “Fuck, you’re good.”

“Glad to help.” Remus kissed their cheek. “I’m going to go clean off then hang up the suit properly.”

“Good idea… I did sort of jump you didn’t I…” Sirius bit their lip, grinning over at him. “I’m gonna have a hard time keeping my hands off you when you’re wearing it.”

“You’re going to have to be appropriate in front of our close friends and family. Maybe we’ll find a moment to sneak away.” Remus scooted out of the bed. “I’m sure you’re going to kill me with whatever you wear.”

Sirius smiled, thinking of the couple of their outfit ideas. “That might happen, perhaps.”

“I’ll try to make it happen.” Remus kissed them quickly. “Get your act together, we have to get out and find a gift.”

“Okay, okay.” Sirius hauled themselves up out of bed, feeling distinctly sticky. “Want me to get you a cloth? Or are you coming to the bathroom?”

“I’ll come to the bathroom. I’ll just hop in the shower really quickly.”

Sirius leaned over to kiss his cheek before padding to the bathroom. “So for once, I might be ready to go out before you are.”

“Maybe, for one time in our lives. I’ll be quick though.” Remus laughed, following after them.

“Sure, sure.” Sirius shot him a grin, grabbing a cloth and cleaning up. For once, they thought with a little chuckle, Remus was the one with come all over him.

Remus turned on the shower, humming to some song Sirius didn’t recognize. “Hey, we haven’t even thought about wedding rings. We should probably do that.”

“Oh. That’s a good idea! You know I don’t think ahead with these things…” Sirius smiled, watching him in the mirror for a moment. “What kind of thing do you want, caro?”

“I don’t know,” He said as he opened the shower curtain then stepped in. “Something unique I think, but simple.”

“I agree. Plain almost, with a little extra something?”

“Yeah, but I don’t know what.” Remus went back to humming the song.

Sirius cocked their head, listening. “What are you singing?”

“Ha, Them There Eyes by Billie Holiday.” Remus laughed.

“Oh?” Sirius grinned. “Serenading me?”

“I’m humming, doesn’t sound very nice I’m sure.”

“Your voice is lovely whatever you do with it, Remus.” Sirius turned, leaning their hip against the sink.

“I fell in love with you the first time I looked into them there eyes/And you have a certain lil cute way of flirtin' with them there eyes,” Remus sang out loud now.

Sirius couldn’t help the grin spreading over their lips. It felt so domestic and so lovely and just nothing like they ever expected to have in life. “Such a charmer.”

“Well, I enjoy charming you.” He shut the shower off then opened the curtain. “Hand me a towel, love?”

“Mmm, no?” Sirius grinned, sticking their tongue out. “You look too good like that.” They paused for a moment before moving to the towel rail and snagging one up.

“I’m going to freeze if I don’t get one.” He laughed, holding out his hand.

“Okay okay.” Sirius laughed, grabbing the towel and wrapping it around Remus’ upper body as they hugged him.

“Mmm, thank you.” Remus pressed a kiss to the top of Sirius’ head. “Come on, let’s get ready.”

It took them both record time to get back out of the flat and to the shops again. They had gifts to get Alice and James before dinner tonight, where they were going to ask them to be their mates of honour. Sirius wasn’t sure exactly what they were going to get James, hoping something would stand out when they got there.

“Okay… everything I’ve seen so far is aggressively gendered and aggressively het,” Sirius muttered, rubbing a hand over their eyes. “You see anything?”

“Ugh no…” Remus shook his head. “You know, I heard about this bakery not far from here that does personalized cookies.”

“Oh?” Sirius slumped against the wall, looking back to him. “What like, with messages on?”

“Yeah, I wonder if they have wedding stuff. Or at least getting their names on them.” Remus squeezed their hand. “Want to check it out?”

“Yeah. I don’t see how they can make that gendered, so that sounds good. I’m starting to feel… uncomfy.” Sirius rubbed their free hand over the opposite arm, sighing.

Remus frowned. “Let’s get out of here and look at the cookies then. Come on, love.” Remus pulled them close. “I don’t want you to be uncomfy.”

Sirius smiled, kissing his shoulder. “You’re sweet,” they murmured, letting Remus lead them towards the cookie place.

The bakery wasn’t too far away, and thankfully the cookies were not gendered! They asked if they could get the cookies personalized in about an hour and the woman behind the counter said they could do it even sooner. “Which shape?” Remus nudged Sirius, looking at the options.

Sirius bit their lip. “Think we could… think you could do one star-shaped and one moon-shaped?” They asked the woman, smiling softly.

“We can, what would you like on them?” She asked.

“Mm… on the star one, could it say ‘James, be my Mate of Honour?’ And then the… the moon one, Rem?” Sirius glanced sideways to him.

“Oh, just the same thing but instead of James, can you put Alice?” Remus smiled at her.

“Sure, that’s great. Would you two like some tea while you wait dears?” She offered.

“That sounds nice, yes please.” Sirius smiled a little wider, feeling a little less worried now.

“Do you have chai?” Remus’ arm went around their waist.

“We do.” She nodded. “And for you dear?”

“Earl Grey please, thank you.” Sirius leaned into Remus a little, grateful for his presence.

“Coming up then I’ll get to your cookies.” She stepped away for a moment.

“Better?” Remus kissed their temple.

“Yeah… glad we found something. Most of those things were so shitty.”

“I know, it was terrible.” He rubbed their arm.

They stood quietly for a moment before the woman came back with their teas. “Here you go. Why don’t you sit over on that sofa and I’ll bring you out your cookies in a little bit.” She gestured to the squashy looking sofa near the window.

“Alright, thank you,” Sirius said, smiling, before they led Remus over to the sofa and tucked themselves into the corner.

Remus put his arm around them and drank held on to his tea with the other hand. “This is a cute place. I’m surprised I haven’t been here before.”

“Right? The Man of Desserts and there’s a whole shop you’ve not tried?” Sirius chuckled, sipping their own tea.

“I know, I’ve let myself down, really.” Remus chuckled as the bell over the door rang. “Shit.” Remus went stiff next to them.

“What?” Sirius turned to him, looking all pale. “What’s wrong? Did we forget something?”

“Remus! It’s been a while!” A tall man walked over to where they were sitting. He had a smirk on his lips.

“Fenrir.” Remus cleared his throat, looking up at him.

Sirius’ stomach dropped. They thought instantly of their and Al’s plans to murder the man who had hurt Remus, but they never actually expected to meet him, never mind in a bloody cookie shop getting wedding gifts. They gripped Remus’ hand on their waist and smiled up at Fenrir. “Hi. I’m Sirius, Remus’ fiancé.”

“Oh, that’s surprising. How are you Re? I’ve missed you.” Fenrir practically ignored Sirius.

“I’m fine.” Remus shook his head.

Surprising. Sirius gritted their teeth, glancing to Remus, then back to the counter of the bakery to see if their things were ready. They didn’t know what to say, whether they would make this better or worse.

“We should get drinks, catch up.” Fenrir smiled at Remus.

“No.” Remus shook his head.

Sirius squeezed Remus’ hand, trying to stare Fenrir down. “Yeah I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“I was talking to Remus, not you, mate.” Fenrir shook his head. “It’s been awhile. One drink.”

“I see you don’t understand the meaning of no still,” Remus muttered then took a sip of his chai.

Sirius bit their lip, glancing to the counter again. They had never wanted to punch anyone in the face more than this man, and they had to see Gil Lockhart around work still. “I think you should go, Fenrir.”

“I’m just talking to Re. I miss you, come on, just one drink. It won’t mean anything.”

Sirius stood up, moving between them. “Well he doesn’t want to talk to you. No means no.”

“Your cookies dears.” The woman came over, looking on at the scene with curiosity.

“Thank you.” Remus stood up and took the cookies after setting his tea down. He didn’t look back as he went for the door.

Sirius didn’t move, staring at Fenrir, tipping their chin up in defiance.

“So, marrying him? He’s a bit broken, doesn’t know what he wants in bed.” Fenrir looked towards the door. “Good luck with that.”

Sirius let out a surprised laugh. That was the most un-Remus thing they’d ever heard. They crossed their arms over their chest. “My Remus knows exactly what he wants in bed, thank you. Maybe you just weren’t treating him right, arsehole.”

“I treated him well, he just didn’t seem interested most of the time.”

“Well,” Sirius scoffed. “I don’t think you even know what that means.” Sirius went to turn away, pausing on their way to the door. “Don’t even think about speaking to him again. He’s happy now.”

“Sure he is…” Fenrir turned towards the counter.

Sirius shook their head, half-laughing. They couldn’t believe that he used to date Remus, and used to make him feel thoroughly shitty about himself. Sirius remembered how uncomfortable Remus was around sex at the beginning of their relationship, how much more comfortable he’d become recently. “Your loss Fenrir,” they said before striding out of the store, looking around for Remus.

Remus was stood against the wall near the shop, looking at the two cookie boxes, breathing deeply. He was pale and his hands were shaking.

“Hey, hey,” Sirius said softly, striding right up to him and holding onto his arms. They didn’t want to say it’s okay because it obviously wasn’t.

“I’m fine.” Remus spoke quickly. “Please, let’s just go to dinner and… let’s just go.”

“It’s okay if you’re not fine.” Sirius kissed his cheek, tugging Remus away from the shop and towards their restaurant.

Remus looked down at the boxes as they walked. He just shook his head.

“I’m sorry we ran into him,” Sirius said softly, feeling like their day had been ruined. “I wanted to tell him to fuck off but I didn’t want to make it worse for you.”

“I wish you did… or wish I did.” Remus held the boxes tighter to him.

“He made some shitty comment when you walked away and I laughed in his face and called him an arsehole… does that help?” Sirius bit their lip. “Do you want to rearrange dinner?”

“No, that’s stupid.” Remus shook his head.

“No it’s not. It’s valid, hey, stop a second.” Sirius pulled them into a doorway, putting their hands on Remus’ arms. “Breathe, okay?”

“Stop, Sirius, please, let’s just keep walking.” Remus took a deep breath.

“No, no. Just stop for a second, please, for me. We’re far enough away. I just want you to look at me for a second.”

“I just want to walk.” Remus’ voice was tight. “Please.”

Sirius bit their lip hard enough to taste blood, staring at Remus for a moment before they nodded, their shoulders slumping. “Okay, okay let's walk…”

Remus nodded. “Can you put these in your bag though? I don’t want to drop them.” He looked down at the boxes.

“Yep, yep.” Sirius nodded, taking the boxes and holding them for a moment. They weren’t going to fit in their bag but they would carry them instead. They wanted to say something to make it better but didn’t know how.

“I’ll carry them, they don’t fit.” Remus held a hand out. “At least one.” He shifted from foot to foot.

“I got them, let’s just keep going. It’s okay.” Sirius sighed softly, watching him.

Remus nodded and started to walk again. He put both hands in his pockets and started to walk quickly, not looking to see if Sirius was keeping up with him. Sirius kept up, biting their lip, watching him carefully. They didn’t know how to help or what to say. All they could do was be here and know they were better for him than Fenrir was.

They made it to the restaurant without Remus saying a word. They were half an hour early, but they were able to be sat. Remus immediately sunk into his seat and grabbed the menu.

Sirius reached across and took his hand, glad that they were early and could have a moment without James and Alice. Remus moved his hand back and clenched the sides of his menu. “I’m sorry.” He muttered, looking at the menu. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Sirius said softly, drawing their hand back and feeling a little embarrassed. “No need to apologise.”

“I just… I don’t know. I’m sorry.” Remus shook his head. “It’s not your fault.”

“I know, and it’s not yours either. You did nothing wrong.”

Under the table Remus’ leg was bouncing and he was chewing his nails. “I just… I want to go home. But I don’t… I … I want to see Al and James.”

Sirius’ heart was breaking to see him like this. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” He stood up, pushing his chair back. “I need to just use the bathroom. Get me a beer.”

Remus walked off.

Sirius watched him go then slumped into their seat, rubbing a hand over their face. Shit, how were they meant to help him?

“Hey! I thought I was early!” Al dropped into the seat diagonal from Sirius. “Oh no, what’s wrong?”

“Yeah, you are, so are we… We ran into Fenrir.”

Alice’s face dropped. “No, you’re joking. What happened? Where’s Moony?” She looked around.

“He went to the bathroom. I don’t know, he’s freaking out. We were in a bakery and he just walked in and starting telling Remus to come for a drink with him, wouldn’t—” Sirius bit their lip, grimacing at the bubble of anger in their stomach— “wouldn’t take no for an answer.”

“Fucking… fuck… he’s such a bastard. Can’t he just stay away.” Alice clenched her hands into fists on the table. “And Moony is just not talking, right?”

“Yep. I tried to get him to just stop and look at me for a moment but he wouldn’t have it and I don’t know what to say to him… I should’ve just told Fenrir to fuck off or punched him in the face or something but I didn’t, I just told him he should leave.”

“Even if you did, Remus would still feel this way. Don’t blame yourself. You’re so good to Moony.” She reached out and patted Sirius’ hand. “You know him, he’s just in his head right now.”

“I know… what can I do?”

“Just keep loving him. We’ll try to have dinner because I know he’ll feel worse if he left now. Want me to see if I can talk to him?” She looked over her shoulder.

“You think you’ll get through to him?” Sirius glanced to Alice, then around to make sure James wasn’t looking for them.

“Probably not.” She snickered.

“You know him better than I do, I think,” Sirius said, feeling a little sad.

“Don’t be silly, I’ve known him longer. That’s not the same thing.” She shook her head. “Does James know you better than Remus? Or does Remus know you deeper in different ways?”

Sirius heaved a sigh. “The second one, you’re right. Go talk to him though? I feel like all I’d do is apologise for not decking the dickhead, and I don’t think that will help.”

“Okay, later, you and I can talk about murdering the bastard. Order me a red wine, will you, sweetie?” She pushed her chair back.

“Consider it done,” Sirius said, managing a smile.


	5. Chapter 5

Remus sat on the toilet seat, taking a deep breath. He rubbed his face, trying to calm down. He knew that he was having an anxiety attack and he just couldn’t stop it. Sirius was trying to help, but Remus was sort of a dick about it. He couldn’t even look at them or hold their hand. It wasn’t fair that Fenrir could still do this to him. That bastard really did make him feel like shit about himself. It wasn’t fair.

Somewhere in his irrational brain, he was thinking about how Sirius was going to get bored of him eventually. He just laid there today, kissing them while Sirius got off. Why couldn’t he just want it all the time. Sirius would get annoyed. Surely they must have already been annoyed with him before.

“You’re being fucking stupid.” Remus muttered to himself, standing up. He needed to get back out there before Sirius panicked about what was taking so long.

After splashing some water on his face, Remus stepped out of the bathroom to find Alice standing in the corridor, arms folded and biting her lip. “I’m assuming Sirius told you.”

“They were worried about you, so I thought I’d come see if you were alright, sweetie.”

“I know.” Remus pinched the bridge of his nose. “It’s…. It’s fine.”

Alice gestured to his face. “That’s exactly the thing you do when you’re not fine, Moony.”

“Can we pretend it’s fine and have dinner?” Remus dropped his hand. “Please, Al.”

“Okay. But I need you to actually breathe in properly for a moment before we go back out there because you look like you’re about to pass out.”

Remus took a deep breath, realizing that she was right. “Okay.”

“Another two deep breaths, please?” Alice smiled softly, putting her hands on his upper arms. “You’re safe. You don’t need to do anything right now.”

Remus listened, taking two more deep breaths. He knew that he was safe, but he was ready to go home and curl up under all of their blankets. “Can we go now?”

“Yep, let’s go eat some good food, right?” Alice gave his arm a squeeze before starting down the corridor.

Out in the restaurant, James was now at the table with Sirius, who seemed to be chatting away, if not quite fully engaged. Remus took his seat across from Sirius again as the server set down their drinks. He wished that his whole damn night didn’t feel ruined. It had been such a good day. His brain was such a bastard sometimes.

“Hey, James.” Remus smiled at the man across the table, next to Sirius.

“Potter, it’s good to see you.” Alice grinned.

“Alright you two, how are we?” James grinned, sipping his cider.

Sirius gave Remus a slightly concerned look over the rim of their wine glass.

“I’m brilliant! Frankie and I have a competition next weekend in London. I’m excited.” Alice reached for her wine.

Remus reached across the table and took Sirius’ hand. “I’m okay.” Remus nodded, looking back to the menu. “Never been here. Wonder what’s good.”

Sirius squeezed his hand back, their shoulders going a little lax. “James and I were talking to the waiter, he says the fish is real good.”

“Oh good, okay.” Remus nodded.

Dinner seemed to go on forever, but it really didn’t. They all had only two drinks and their meals. Remus passed up dessert, drawing looks from the whole table but his stomach was still in knots. It was amazing he even ate half his meal. Sirius got something chocolatey and said he could have a bite. As he watched the others eat their dessert, Remus slowly drank the last of his beer.

“Okay,” Sirius said after a while, their eyes sliding from Remus around to James and Alice. “We have a surprise for you both, which is—as you’ve probably guessed—why we’re having dinner.”

“Oh, yes, what is it?” Alice leaned forward a little, finishing her ice cream.

Sirius ducked to their bag and retrieved the two boxes, sliding one over to James, and then one to Alice, grinning as their cheeks turned a little pink.

“Oh! Of course Moony.” Alice laughed, looking into the box. “Adorable. I would love to be your mate of honor.” She threw her arms around him for a hug.

“Yeah, doubted that you’d say no…” Remus hugged her back.

James was just crying, his hands over his mouth. Sirius sniggered, putting their arm around him. “You will, eh?”

“Of course I will!” James practically wailed, hugging Sirius back. “Of course I will you fucking moron.”

Alice let go of Remus. “James is just going to sob the entire time, aren’t you?”

Sirius elbowed him. “Of course he will, giant idiot.”

James scrubbed a hand through Sirius’ hair, still hugging them. “Bitch I’ve waited for this since we were like, sixteen, of course I’m going to cry!”

Remus just chuckled, leaning on the table.

Sirius laughed, sliding the rest of their chocolate pot dessert over to Remus.

“No thanks.” He shook his head as the waiter came over with the check. Remus reached for it so he could pay.

Sirius bit their lip. “Okay…”

Remus got out his card and handed it back to the waiter as Alice asked questions about the wedding. James was still teary eyed, and Sirius was answering the questions while looking over at Remus curiously.

They said their goodbyes at the door, and Remus was happy their place wasn’t too far away. “Ready?” Remus asked watching Alice get into her car.

James had rambled away and then gotten on his own bus back towards his flat, no doubt to tell Lily and start crying again. Sirius was stood a little ways away from Remus and smiled softly. “Yeah, let’s go home.”

“Good.” Remus started to walk in the direction. “Come on.”

Sirius just followed along, and when they caught up, tucked their hand into his arm. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” Remus kept his voice soft.

“Want to watch a movie when we get in?”

“Yeah, can we do it in bed though?” Remus nodded.

“Mmhm, of course.” Sirius rested their head on his shoulder. “What do you want to watch?”

“You can pick.” Remus didn’t want to make choices right now.

Sirius was quiet for a moment or two longer as they turned onto their street. “Okay. How about Dirty Dancing? I think we’ve got brownies from your mam, too, hm?”

“That sounds fine.” Remus let out a breath when he could see the building.

“I’ll get blankets, and you can make tea, hey?” Sirius squeezed his arm.

Remus nodded again as they got to the building. Why couldn’t he just be okay right now? They were having a nice night. Why did everything have to be kicking around the back of his head?

Sirius kissed his shoulder as they walked, digging in their bag for their keys and leading Remus into the flat. Remus kicked his shoes off then went straight for the kitchen. He silently got out a brownie from the freezer then went to making a pot of something herbal and soothing his mam had given him. He closed his eyes, trying to relax. Everything was okay, he was home and in their flat. Sirius was there and not going anywhere no matter what their asshole brain was saying.

After the tea was done, he put the put and two mugs on the tray with the still frozen brownie. He just wanted to crawl under the covers and forget the day. But not all of it, there were some great parts. In the bedroom he found Sirius, along with what seemed to be every blanket in the flat. They had Remus’ laptop on their lap, and were wearing a big Ascendence t-shirt with their hair up in a messy bun. They gave him a genuine smile as he walked in.

“Hi caro.”

“Hey.” Remus smiled back, setting the tray down on the nightstand before going to change. He had no idea what to say to them yet, so he set to getting changed. He found his softest, oldest band shirt and his comfiest pair of pajama bottoms. There wasn’t anything to take away his anxiety, but he could at least alleviate it.

Once he got changed, Remus poured himself a mug of tea then carefully crawled to his side of the bed. Their normally comfortable bed was even more cozy with every blanket from the flat. He wanted to melt into it. “Thank you,” Remus pulled the fluffiest blanket over his legs.

Sirius cuddled up to him, kissing his shoulder. “You’re so welcome.”

Remus tensed a little, taking a sip of his tea as the movie began to play. “I’m sorry.” He swallowed another gulp of hot tea. Why was Sirius making him so bloody tense? They were just trying to be there for him. “I’m sorry that this is bothering me so much, Sirius.”

“You don’t need to apologise. I understand.” Sirius leaned into him. “Can I help you at all?”

“I — I don’t know. I’m just so fucking anxious. I used to take medication for it but it got better and I ran out on the prescription. This is the first time in a long time that I’ve felt like this.” Remus bit his lip. He was anxious off and on from time to time but he couldn’t remember the last time he had a full blown anxiety attack.

“That’s fair… I… I get what that’s like, I think. Like when Reg turned up?” Sirius held their hand out for Remus to take. “I’m here.”

Remus took their hand. “I know. I do. I — why does he have to bring all this shit forward in my brain. I’ve dealt with it. I’ve talked to you about it. I know my worth but…” He shook his head.

“I know,” Sirius said softly, kissing the back of his hand. “This feeling won’t last forever. We can curl up tonight and watch Dirty Dancing and drink tea and you’ll feel better eventually.”

Remus sniffled. “I know. Sometimes I think about how he treated me and I don’t understand how I stayed and let him treat me like that and force me into things.” Remus’ stomach turned. “Then I think about how you treat me and it’s as if someone was like ‘shit that was a bad relationship, here’s the best thing’. It doesn’t even feel real.”

“I’m not going anywhere, it’s only the best thing from here out. I wonder why I stayed where I did for years, but you do because you don’t think you’re able to get the better things, but you are, you do, you deserve it.” Sirius’ eyes were on the screen but they were leaning close.

“I know, I know.” Remus squeezed their hand then took a sip of his tea. “I hate that I pushed you away earlier. I couldn’t even look at you.”

“It’s okay, I understand. I’m sorry I didn’t… sorry I didn’t punch him in the fucking face, I think.”

Remus laughed, feeling just a little lighter, the knots slowly coming undone. “No, that’s my ill advised move.”

“Ha, didn’t fix so much of it, didn’t it? I laughed in his face, though, you know.” Sirius smiled, kissing the back of his hand, then his shoulder.

“No, glad you laughed in his face and told him off.” Remus set his tea on the windowsill. He had Sirius, and Fenrir was in the past. He wanted to do something about his future. “Want to look at some wedding rings?”

Sirius sipped their tea. “That sounds beautiful.”

“Do you have your phone there? Mine’s charging.”

“Yep,” Sirius said, plucking their phone up and holding it out to him. “What kind of thing are you thinking?”

Remus took the phone and shrugged. “I don’t know, something different. Like, I want to be simple but not a boring old band, you know?” He typed in Etsy because that was where he had found Sirius’ engagement ring.

“I like that idea, a lot. I don’t want something plain, yeah… and nothing with a stone in? Not for wedding bands anyway…” Sirius’ eyes flickered down to their own hand where their engagement ring sat.

“No, no stones.” Remus shook his head as scrolled through some options, mostly boring. “Oh my god.” He stopped, clicking on the photo.

“What?” Sirius peered over.

“What does that band remind you of?” Remus turned the screen turned towards Sirius.

“It’s a knot,” Sirius said instantly.

“Yes, love, it’s knot.” He kissed their temple. “But it’s the most important knot, the figure-eight and the parallel bands are like parallel ropes too. If you don’t have that knot right, then your life is going to be hanging in the balance.”

“That feels… appropriate.” Sirius’ voice was soft. “Hanging in the balance.”

“You like it then? Really? I’ll put the order in right now.” Remus didn’t even want to look at anything else. It just felt right.

“Yeah, it’s perfect. For both of us.” Sirius’ hand squeezed his arm.

“Okay.” Remus clicked through, ordering two rings in the correct sizes. “I love them.”


	6. Chapter 6

Sirius curled up next to Remus, watching him order their wedding rings through Etsy. They had only seen those ones, and yet they were so gorgeous. The figure-eight knot felt like it was entirely accurate for the both of them, their lives hanging in the balance. They were beautiful.

“Me too. I love you.”

“I love you too.” Remus clicked the order button.

“Wedding rings, done.” Sirius grinned. “Want to check them off your list?”

“I’ll check it off in the morning.” Remus handed the phone back to Sirius then nestled down into the blankets a little more. He reached for his tea then took a sip before resting it on his stomach. He frowned a little.

Sirius glanced back over from putting their phone down, seeing him frowning. “What, caro?”

“I just thought about it again. God, I hate him. I really do.”

“I hate him too. If he… he was like that with you in the bakery, I don’t even want to think about what he was like — ” Sirius sighed, cutting themselves off. They didn’t want to make this worse.

“What?” Remus, ever the nosy one, asked with a furrowed brow, hand wrapped around his mug.

“He didn’t take no for an answer for you not wanting a drink with him and we’re fucking  _ engaged _ . It makes me so angry to think that he was the same — worse, even — when you were dating.” Sirius  _ really _ wished they’d punched him.

“No, he never could take no for an answer.” Remus shook his head. “I just let him, it was easier than arguing.”

Sirius let out a little breath. God, that made them so angry to think about, their Remus just letting that horrific man do whatever the hell he wanted. “I — I hate that. I’m so sorry.”

“I hate it too.” Remus took another drink of his tea. “I don’t know why I let it go on for so long. I feel like an idiot.”

“That’s what happens when you’re in a relationship like that. When you don’t know if you’re able to get anything else… you’re too scared to leave…” Sirius bit their lip, their hand on Remus’ thigh. “I understand. You’re not an idiot.”

“I know, rationally, I get it. But my rational brain isn’t playing much tonight.” Remus set his tea aside then moved to wrap his arms around Sirius, resting his head on their chest.

“I know, I know.” Sirius kissed Remus’ jaw. “Your irrational brain can pick apart Dirty Dancing with me. It’s entirely unrealistic, isn’t it?”

“So unrealistic… but so good. Can you sing me that Lover Boy part?” Remus chuckled softly.

Sirius threw their head back and laughed. “Oh lover boy?” they sang, vaguely out of tune but they had watched this film enough to know this part off by heart. They’d found it so romantic as a teenager.

“I demand a reenactment of it all one day when I’m in a better mood.”

“Please do. Patrick Swayze has nothing on you though, darling.” Sirius kissed his cheek, grinning.

“Of course.” Remus hugged them a little tighter.

“You know I’m pretty sure that was one of the things that made me realise I wasn’t straight. The scene where they’re undressing and dancing and Patrick Swayze’s  _ shoulders _ are just…” Sirius bit their lip, groaning a little.

“You and the shoulders.”

Sirius kissed Remus’ shoulder. “I’m spoiled nowadays.”

“Yeah, are my shoulders better than Swayze’s?” Remus snorted a laugh.

“Duh, that’s a stupid question, Remus. Yours are  _ perfect _ , they’re wonderful. My favourite thing to watch when you’re climbing.”

“Voyeur.” Remus chuckled as Baby was carrying the watermelon.

Sirius let out a contented sigh. “That’s going to stop being a bad thing sooner or later, it’ll just be another affectionate nickname.”

“Oh god, please, that’s just weird.” Remus shook his head, looking up at Sirius, suddenly open. “Thanks.”

“Er — ” Sirius smiled, kissing him quickly. “You’re welcome?” 

“For being here, I mean, and not pushing me away like I tried to push you away.” Remus explained more clearly.

“Remember after Germany? You told me not to let you push me away. So here I am holding onto you.” Sirius sipped their tea. 

“Yeah, yeah I did say that. Thanks for sticking to it. My brain does asshole things like this when I’m anxious. I don’t want it to affect us anymore, you know?”

“I mean, it’ll affect us because it affects you and I hate when you’re anxious. But it won’t affect our relationship because I love you even when your brain is an asshole.” Sirius kissed his cheek. “Right?”

“Right.” Remus nodded then was quiet for a minute. “Mam wanted to know if you’d like to do lunch tomorrow.”

“That would be wonderful. How’s the shop going?” 

“It’s going well. Her and Mare brought in some palm reader that’s a big hit, I guess.” Remus shrugged.

“Oh god, of course it is.”

They spent the rest of the evening watching Dirty Dancing, cuddled up in their blanket fort. Sirius was really hoping Remus would feel better after some sleep, when his rational brain woke up and realised that Fenrir wasn’t going to fuck everything up. Sirius dozed and woke up early, vaguely aware of Remus having tossed and turned all night. They had a slow morning, before going to meet Hope for lunch.

“Hello dears!” Hope called as they came into the house. “How are you both?”

“Hi mam.” Remus hugged her tight. “I’m all right.”

She pulled back and looked at him with a furrowed brow. “All right? Really?”

Remus rolled his eyes. “I’m getting some water.”

“Could you get me a glass too please, caro?” Sirius said, watching Remus for a moment before hugging Hope. “Hi Hope, how are you?”

“I’m fine.” She looked towards the kitchen. “What’s going on?”

Sirius shrugged. “We… we ran into his ex yesterday and he’s — he’s having a hard time of it.”

“Ah, I see.” She let out a long sigh.

“I’m fine. Please don’t worry.” Remus came in with two glasses of water. He handed one to Sirius.

“Thank you, caro,” Sirius said, but Remus didn’t really respond.

“Well, lunch is nearly done. Remus could you do your dear mam a favor? The gate out back keeps sticking. Could you maybe see to it?” She smiled sweetly at her son.

Remus rolled his eyes. “If you want to talk about me you can do it in front of me too.” He snickered. “But go ahead, I’ll see to it.”

Hope kissed him on the cheek before Remus headed for the little garden out back.

“Fenrir did a number on my son, you know? I could tell. He was so closed off. You know how we have this nice relationship? It was so strained when that bastard was in the picture.” Hope shook her head, taking a seat at the table.

Sirius sighed, watching Remus go for a moment. “I find that so hard to believe. I hate him.”

“Me too. Remus was also so anxious as a little boy, never knew why. I guess, some kids just are.” She shrugged. “We did everything we could to help him along but medically, they didn’t take a 10 year olds anxiety too seriously back then, did they? Well, he got on some medication during uni after Lyall passed, and it helped. Then he was off it and was fine until Fenrir.” She shook her head. “He’s just a knot of anxiety right now, I can see it.”

“Right… I can see it too… Should I talk to him about going back to the doctor?” Sirius bit their lip, looking out the window.

“I don’t know… has he been anxious like this often?”

“No. Only yesterday after Fenrir, that’s… it, really. None that I’ve picked up on anyway. Not since…” Sirius sighed, puffing their cheeks out. “Not since Reggie turned up.”

Hope pursed her lips. “I say, give him another day and if he’s still anxious like this, talk to him about going back to the doctor. He doesn’t have a problem with taking medication for it, so it won’t be a big deal.”

Sirius nodded, rubbing a hand over their eyes. “Okay, that sounds like a good idea… thank you Hope.”

“No problem dear. I know my son can be a stubborn thing.”

“Ha, right? He’s so bloody stubborn… Good job I love him.” Sirius rested their chin on their fist, sighing softly.

“I know.” She laughed. “Now tell me, how’s the wedding coming along?”

Sirius chuckled. “It’s good, we’re checking things off of our list, slowly but surely.”

“Your list or his list?” She raised an eyebrow.

Remus picked that moment to come back in, running a hand through his curls. “Are you two done chatting with me or is there another fake task you would like to send me on?” Remus have his mam a look.

“No, lunch is ready. I made a soup and some bread. No Sirius, it’s plain old bread nothing in it. It’s actually Effy’s recipe.”

“Listen,” Sirius said, laughing. “I just had to check after last time, okay? Effy’s recipes are great though, aren’t they?” They smiled over at Remus, trying to decipher how he was feeling.

“They’re very good. I’ll just grab the soup, Sirius mind getting the bread for me. Remus John you’ve lucked out since everything else is already on the table.”

“Lucky me.” Remus took a seat next to Sirius.

Sirius kissed his cheek as they stood up. “Yep, right behind you!”

“The bread’s still warm, it’s perfect,” Hope said once they got to the kitchen.

“Smells amazing, Hope, thank you so much.” Sirius grabbed the bread and whatever else Hope needed them to carry.

Hope led the way back out into the dining room on where Remus was biting at his nails again. “Here we go, dears.” She set the soup down in the middle of the table.

“Thanks mam.” Remus smiled the looked to Sirius. “Looks good, huh?”

“Yeah!” Sirius put their hand on Remus’ knee. “It looks wonderful, thanks so much, Hope.”

“You’re welcome dears, eat up.” She grinned, opening the pot.

Lunch, like everything Hope cooked, was fabulous. Remus seemed to relax the longer he was at Hope’s house and Sirius breathed a sigh of relief. Finding out where Fenrir lived and killing him was seeming like more and more of a good option.

After lunch they sat and chatted for a while, going over the wedding plans. Eventually they finished up talking and were on the way out the door.

“It was so good to have you two here. Please visit often.” Hope hugged Remus.

“I know mam, we do already.” Remus laughed. “Oh, we’ve been wanting to have dinner with you and the Potters, are you interested?”

“Yes! Of course, dear. Tell me when and what to make.” She grinned before hugging Sirius.

Sirius grinned. “You and Monty need to talk gardens now we’re getting some good weather!”

“Oh yes, I can’t wait to give him some tips.” She pulled back. “Have a nice rest of your afternoon, dears.”

Remus nodded, opening the door. “We’ll let you know what’s going on with dinner. Bye, mam.”

“Bye, Hope! Take care!” Sirius pulled Remus further down the path, holding his hand. “Where to now?”

“I don’t know, it’s nice. I want to just walk around. Maybe get some tea or something.” Remus shrugged a shoulder, not holding on to Sirius’ hand too tight.

“Walking sounds good.” Sirius looked around, resisting the urge to hold on too tight and stop Remus from running away. “Oh, there’s a cafe near here, they do really good fancy tea. Shall we?”

Remus shrugged. “Yeah, sure.”

Sirius led the way to the cafe and ordered for them both, chai for Remus and Earl Grey for themselves. They handed Remus a takeaway cup as they left the cafe and loosely held his other hand as they walked along. Sirius didn’t know how they could help; they wanted to fix everything for him but they couldn’t.

Frowning down at his tea, Remus took a sip. “I think I should have gone with the Earl Grey.”

Sirius shrugged. “Swap? No biggie. That chai smells good.”

“Yeah, thanks.” Remus held his cup towards Sirius.

“You’re welcome!” Sirius smiled, switching their cups. They took a sip, nodding. “Oh the chai is good, thank you caro.”

Remus gave him a sad smile. “It’s my favorite usually but…” He shrugged. “The Earl Grey is a close second.”

“Earl Grey is good too, I agree. I’m sure it said in the cafe that they blend their own?” Sirius peered at the cup to see if it said anything branded.

“Yeah, I read it on the board.” Remus took a sip of his tea. “Are you having a nice day?”

Sirius smiled, squeezing Remus’ hand a little. “I am. It’s always lovely to see your mam.”

“She loves you.” Remus looked down at his feet. “I couldn’t be happier how well you both get on.”

“Neither could I. We get on so well. You know, if we ever split up I’ll stay friends with my best mate Hope.” Sirius grinned, bumping their hip into Remus’.

“I’m sure she’d disown me and adopt you.” Remus’ smile didn’t quite reach his eyes. It was as if he was trying to hard to be light.

Sirius snorted. “Nah. Your mother fucking adores you, Remus. You’re the light of her damn life… me too, you know, you’re the light of my life.”

“I know you’re joking.” Remus rolled his eyes.

“About you being the light of my life?” Sirius knew their voice had gone a little soft, but they couldn’t stop it. Remus snickered and shook his head. Sirius nudged him with their elbow. “I’d never joke about that. Getting married, aren’t we?”

“Yeah, yeah we are.” Remus let out a long breath.

Sirius tried to pretend they didn’t feel a little pang of fear at Remus’ sigh, hoping he wasn’t regretting everything. “Not long now.”

“No, not long.” Remus took another sip of his tea.

“Okay. I’m just going to say something because I can’t get it out of my head, and if the answer is no, then we can just move on.” Sirius took a deep breath. “You’re not regretting doing this, are you?”


	7. Chapter 7

Remus was  _ trying _ so hard to just get over it. He wanted to just get over what happened the day before with Fenrir, but he was still there in his brain. Lunch with his mam was fine. Then Sirius had ordered him chai, and he just remembered the day before in the bakery. After, Sirius made a joke about splitting up with him and staying mates with his mam. It was a joke, but Remus couldn’t stop thinking about it. Sirius wasn’t going anywhere but it scared him. What if they did get bored? What if it wasn’t what they wanted?

Now Sirius was asking him if he regretted this. What on earth was  _ this _ ? Their relationship? The proposal? Moving in together. The answer was a no all around. “What are you talking about?”

“Proposing, getting married.” Sirius bit their lip, looking a little funny. “I just wanted to  _ check _ .”

“Check? Why?” Remus looked over at them, wrinkling his brow. “I love you more than anything.”

Sirius nodded, a little shakily. “Okay. I love you too. I just… just wanted to check.” Sirius kissed his cheek.

“I’m sorry, I don’t… is it something I did? I’m sorry I’m being such a fucking arsehole right now. I’m just so anxious. I’m trying to relax and then the fucking chai and you joking about leaving me. I know it was a joke.” Remus rambled the bit his tongue.

“Oh…” Sirius huffed. “I’m so sorry. You’re not being an arsehole, you’re anxious and that’s okay, and I thought I’d make a joke to lighten the mood because you  _ know _ I wouldn’t leave you. And the cha—Oh fuck, I’m so sorry.”

“I’m sorry, Sirius. Shit.” Remus stopped, feeling his chest tightening a bit. “I know, rationally, I know you wouldn’t. You got me the—the chai because it’s my favorite.” Remus swallowed hard. “Can we go home?”

“Yeah,” Sirius said instantly, nodding. “Home.”

“There’s a bus stop across the way.” Remus started to walk again. He just wanted to be home. He needed to be out of the public while he was feeling this way.

They got on the bus and Sirius sat in the aisle seat, tapping on their phone. After a few minutes, they looked up and out of the window. “I just need to nip off here, okay? I need to pick up some stuff from the dance shop for tomorrow, I just remembered. Is that okay? I’ll be home like, ten minutes after you. I promise?” Sirius bit their lip, turning to Remus.

Remus nodded, he didn’t really want to get off the bus, but he wanted to stay with Sirius. He just wanted to be home. Maybe Sirius was annoyed with him right now. “Yeah, that’s okay.”

“You sure? You can come with me if you like? But I literally just need to get some chalk.”

“No, I need to go home.” Remus shook his head. “Do what you need to do. I’ll probably shower when I get in. It makes me feel better.” Remus nodded.

“Okay.” Sirius leaned over and kissed him softly. “I can come join you, if you like. I reckon I won’t be far behind you.”

“No, don’t, please. I just need to be by myself.” Remus shook his head, barely kissing back. “See you soon.”

Sirius bit their lip. “Okay, this stop is me. I love you caro. See you at home.” They smiled softly, waving as they ducked off the bus a moment later.

“Love you, okay.” Remus muttered, sitting back in his seat.

Thankfully, he got home without having a full blown anxiety attack on the bus. Remus couldn’t stop thinking about how he was being an arsehole to Sirius. But he also had that other part of his brain saying that Sirius was annoyed with him because of how he was acting. He needed a shower then to crawl into his comfiest sweats.

When he opened the door, Snuffles attacked him with slobbery kisses. “Hi, buddy, hello. Padfoot will be back in a minute. I’m a sorry replacement, I know.” He huffed as Snuffles backed off after a moment. He gave Snuffles a treat then went to his room to find something to change into after the shower.

Remus locked the door behind him, turning on the shower on fairly hot before putting on some melancholy playlist. He stood in the shower, not doing much, letting the water fall over him. The tension was not going away. Why did Fenrir do this to him? It wasn’t fair. He probably should go to therapy too, he preached enough about it to Sirius.

There was a knock at the door. “Hi caro, that’s me home. No rush out,” said Sirius’ voice from the other side of the door.

“Okay!” Remus called back, not rushing to get out of the shower at all. Sirius probably didn’t want him to rush because his damn mood would just bring them back down again. They got a little relief by going out for a minute.

Once he started to get wrinkly fingers, Remus turned the shower off and reached for his towel. He groaned as he toweled off, not sure what to say or do to apologize to Sirius. It wasn’t fair that he was acting this way and he wanted to tell the lingering doubt in his brain to fuck off, but it just wasn’t happening.

After he was dry and changed, Remus took a deep breath before padding into the bedroom. “Sirius, I’m out.”

“Hi caro,” Sirius said as he walked into the bedroom. They were on the bed surrounded by blankets, with a pot of what smelled like Earl Grey on the nightstand and a flat box in their lap. “Good shower?”

“Yeah, what’s this?” Remus frowned as he put the dirty clothes and towel into the hamper.

“Blanket fort,” they said as if it were the most obvious thing, patting the bed next to them.

Remus crawled onto the bed, going to his side, careful to not ruin anything. He sunk down against his pillows. “You didn’t go to the dance shop, did you?”

Sirius shook their head, biting their lip. After a moment they passed Remus the box. “For you.”

“What?” He laughed, sitting up a little as he took the box. “Why?”

“Do I need a reason why?” Sirius shrugged gently before gesturing to the box.

“Well, when I’m an arsehole, usually I don’t get gifts.” Remus opened the box then laughed. Inside was a dozen or so cookies with icing hearts and little messages on; they all said things like  _ love me, for keeps, dear one, hug me, I love you. _ “Sirius…” Remus shook his head. “Why…”

Sirius smiled. “They’re from the bakery from yesterday. Too good a bakery for my favourite sweet lover to pass up.”

Remus felt tears in his eyes. “I thought I was annoying you.” He sniffled then rubbed a hand over his eyes. “God, I everytime I think I can’t love you more.”

“I know. I felt like shit leaving you on the bus but I wanted to surprise you, and I know you wanted to go home.” Sirius put their hand on his thigh, squeezing slightly.

“I need to go to therapy I think.” Remus cleared his throat. “It shouldn’t bother me like this still.”

Sirius opened their mouth and then closed it again before nodding. “I agree. I can talk to Poppy, if you like?”

Remus nodded. “Yeah, please. I fucking talked you into it and I need it too. Shit, what a hypocrite.”

“Not hypocritical at all,” Sirius said softly, nudging closer. “You said yourself you had to wait for me to see it. Now I waited for you.”

Remus smiled softly then leaned over and kissed Sirius, hand cupping their cheek. “I’d never regret this for a minute. Even when you drive me mad.”

“Drive you mad!?” Sirius laughed, their hand coming up to Remus’ shoulder. “Cheeky.”

“I know, you like it.” Remus kissed them again. “So, can we have some tea and eat these?”

Sirius kissed his nose. “Sounds perfect.”

They ate half the cookies and drank tea while watching Pride and Prejudice on the laptop. Remus was so thankful for Sirius and everything about them. He couldn’t believe that his brain could get so clogged with lies and worries to make him think this wonderful person would get bored of him. There was never a time where Remus wanted to leave Sirius, even during all that with Regulus. He was terrified to lose them. It was shocking that Sirius had to clarify today that Remus wasn’t regretting this.

“I’m going to start calling you my pearl.” Remus wrapped his arms around Sirius’ middle, pulling them closer and resting his head on their chest. He liked Lizzie’s suggestion of Goddess Divine as well but that was too gendered.

Sirius huffed a little laugh. “I like that. We make a good couple. My Austen heroine and his pearl.”

“Yes, my pearl.” Remus leaned up and pressed a soft kiss to their lips.

“Mm, hi,” Sirius hummed, smiling.

“Hi.” He nipped at their bottom lip before kissing them a little deeper, hand coming up to cup their cheek. He hadn’t really kissed Sirius since yesterday after the suit.

Sirius pressed closer, their hand braced on his chest as they kissed back, soft, slow and responsive.

“I love you, my pearl, my princess, my love,” Remus murmured against their lips. “Thank you."

“You never need to thank me,” Sirius whispered. “I love you.”

“I want to thank you though. I also want to kiss you the rest of the afternoon before dinner.” Remus pressed his lips to Sirius’ again. He could feel Sirius grinning into the kiss as they made a noise of approval. Remus’ hand went up into their hair, carding his fingers through it. “I can’t wait to marry you.”

“Mm, me too. It’s going to be the best day ever.” Sirius paused, the tip of their tongue flicking over Remus’ bottom lip. “What’s been your most favourite day ever, so far?”

“Oh… hmm…” Remus tilted his head a little. Their engagement? The day they met? Sometime in Tuscany? KP? The day with the market and making things official? “Every single one I think of has to do with you. I think our first date is the best day ever. What about you?”

Sirius smiled, their cheeks going a little pink. “If we’re talking whole days, then it’s the day we made things official, with Marly proposing and my necklace—“ It still sat around their neck— “and our talk in the courtyard and going back to mine that night…” Sirius bit their lip. “If we’re talking moments, then, there was one, I don’t even remember what we were doing, but we were on the bus and I looked over at you and just thought  _ god _ , he’s perfect. That’s my favourite moment.”

The warm feeling in his chest overtook the lasting knots there. “Oh, my favorite moment was waking up with you after our first date. I think I could do that every day. It felt so right.”

“It did, didn’t it? I wanted to run away to Tuscany with you and just never have it end.”

“Now we’re going back to Tuscany and it’s going to never end.” Remus moved closer, pressing his lips to Sirius’ again.

Remus continued to kiss them until dinner, just lazy kisses in bed without it going anywhere. It was a reminder it was all okay to do whatever he was comfortable with. He had Sirius and it was all okay, and he was going to have Sirius by his side no matter what.


	8. Chapter 8

Sirius left Poppy’s office feeling unusually invigorated. She’d told them they were doing well and hadn’t chastised them for any impulsive decisions this week—getting off the bus to get cookies for their fiancé who was having an anxiety attack, leaving said fiancé on the bus probably wasn’t a  _ smart _ decision, but Poppy was a big believer in the  _ intentions _ of things—and therapy was starting to go well.

Tonight they were meeting Hope, Monty and Effy for dinner, and Sirius was excited to see them all. Remus was waiting outside leaning against the wall, watching the foot traffic. “Hi, love. All right?”

“Hi caro,” Sirius said, smiling. “Come in, Poppy wants to meet you.” They took his hand, kissing the back of his hand. “We talked about you today.”

Remus looked a little taken aback as they walked into the building. “Oh yeah?”

“Yeah, about you talking to her. She thought it would be easier,” Sirius said, going back into the building where Poppy waited by the reception; her brown hair was pulled back into a ponytail and she was wearing a red shirt and a cheery smile.

“Sirius! You must be Remus, it’s so nice to put a face to the name.” Poppy held her hand out to Remus.

“Hi, yeah, nice to meet you.” Remus shook her hand.

“Sirius told me you’re interested in coming in to talk.” She smiled, leaning a hip against the desk.

“Yeah, ah, my anxiety really took off the other weekend and there’s some stuff…” He shrugged a shoulder.

“I don’t have Wednesdays open, could you do a Thursday afternoon?”

Remus nodded. “I get out at 3 on Thursdays, I could do something after that.” Remus squeezed Sirius’ hand.

“I could do 4 on Thursdays if that works best for you.” Poppy reached over the desk for a card.

“That’s great, yeah.”

“We could start right away tomorrow, or wait a week. It’s up to you, Remus.”

Remus rubbed the back of his neck. “Ah, let’s do tomorrow.”

“Excellent!” Poppy jotting something down. “I’m glad you’re coming in. I’m not terrible, am I, Sirius?”

Sirius grinned, happy to watch the two of them talk, happy that Remus might be getting help. “No, you’re great Poppy. I’m a little less of a headcase nowadays aren’t I, Rem?”

“Ha, yes. Maybe I’ll be less of an anxious mess then, eh?” Remus looked at them with a smile.

“You’re perfect however you are,” Sirius said, wrapping their arms around Remus’ middle. “But I hope it makes you feel better.”

“Yeah, I think it’ll make me feel better.” Remus nodded. “Thank you Poppy, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Excellent, have a good dinner with your parents.” She grinned at them.

“We will!” Sirius smiled, hugging her briefly. “See you next week.” They took Remus’ hand. “Dinner?”

“Let’s go.” Remus smiled at Poppy then looked to Sirius. “Lead the way.”

Sirius led him out of the building and down towards the restaurant. They were going to a nice sounding Italian place after Monty said he loved focaccia last time they were over. “Didn’t mean to strong-arm you into seeing Poppy,” Sirius said after a moment walking. “We’d been talking about you.”

“No, it’s fine. I’d rather see her because I know you like her, so that already makes me feel comfortable and I don’t have to waste time trying to find someone that I like.” Remus kissed their cheek. “I appreciate how much you’ve helped me this week, since Saturday.”

“She’s lovely. Plus she’ll know what you mean when you complain about me.” Sirius grinned, putting their arm around his waist as they walked. “You don’t need to thank me, that’s what you do when you love someone.”

“Oh thank goodness, she’ll get all the complaints.” Remus deadpanned, leaning into them. “I’m joking, my pearl.”

Sirius shivered at the nickname, a grin spreading across their face. “You could be telling the truth, I’d never know,” they shot back, smiling.

“You read my sarcasm just fine.” He turned, pressing a kiss to their neck. “My pearl. I really like that one.”

“Mm, I do too.” Sirius held him a little tighter, pulling them to a stop at the side of the street. “Especially when you say it like that and do that.”

“Like this?” He brushed a piece of hair back. “My pearl,” he said softly then pressed another kiss to their neck.

Sirius groaned softly. “Stop it, we are going to dinner!”

“You’re the one that stopped me in the middle of the street, my pearl.” He pressed one more kiss then stepped away, grabbing Sirius’ hand.

Sirius rolled their eyes, squeezing his hand. “I didn’t want you to be so distracted by kissing my neck that you trip over and fall on your face, caro.”

“I’ll call you my pearl all night and kiss your neck all you want later, okay? When we’re safe either on the sofa or in bed.” Remus laughed as they walked on.

“Mmm, I’ll hold you to that if you’re not careful,” Sirius said, grinning. 

“Please do.” Remus nodded as they continued on. “How far is this place?”

“Just around the corner. It looks great, though, I reckon you’ll love it. Lots of tiramisu?” They pulled him around the corner, scanning the street for the restaurant signage.

“Mmm, you should get panna cotta,” Remus suggested lightly.

“Oh yeah?” Sirius frowned a little. “How come?”

“So I can have half of it.” He chuckled.

Sirius rolled their eyes. “Of course, caro.”

“Obviously you can get whatever, I’m kidding.” Remus kissed their cheek.

“I’ll get the panna cotta, darling.”

Remus grinned then pointed ahead. “There’s the place.”

Sirius pulled the door open, glancing through the window to see if their parents were here already. “After you, caro.”

“Thank you, love.” Remus slipped through. “Do you see them?”

“Yep!” Sirius waved as Monty stood and beckoned them over. “Hi everyone!” They made their way over through the tables towards everyone.

“Hello,” Remus greeted everyone with a smile. “Hope you weren’t waiting long.”

“No, no, darling, we were just talking away, weren’t we?” Effy stood from her seat and hugged Sirius, kissing their cheek.

“Yes, talking all about you both as always.” Hope hugged Remus tight and kissed him on the cheek.

“We’d expect nothing less from you lot of course,” Sirius replied smoothly, sitting down. They shot a grin at Remus, watching him carefully to make sure he was okay.

“Obviously.” Remus rolled his eyes and sat down next to Sirius, putting a hand on their thigh. “We decided on flowers yesterday.”

“Did you?” Effy was very interested. “Oh I can’t wait to see everything, it’s going to be beautiful! What kind of thing are you having?”

Monty busied himself with the menu, and ordered a few bottles of wine for the table whilst Sirius took their jacket off.

“You’ll have to wait and see, Effy,” Sirius said, grinning.

“Yeah, I think we want to sort of keep it between us, you know? Have it a bit of a surprise, but not a Marlene and Dorcas surprise.” Remus laughed. “We’re nearly all together. We got the cake, flowers, rings, my suit — Sirius is being vague with their outfit — the villa’s all booked, and now we’re working on deciding on the food. The only issue really is the officiant.” Remus made a face.

“I’m being vague on my outfit because I feel like if I make a decision, I’ll wake up that morning and scream if you try and put me in whatever outfit it is…” Sirius smiled, feeling a little vulnerable all of a sudden to talk about their dysphoria by accident. But it was all fine in present company. They squeezed Remus’ hand on their thigh. “Yeah, we can’t find any officiants we like.”

“You could have one of your friends do it. I’ve seen that before.” Hope smiled as the wine was poured into their glasses.

Remus laughed, his hand going to take Sirius’. “God, one of our mates? I feel like the only one I trust would be Al. Maybe Frankie but Al’s my mate of honor and Frank’s doing the pictures.”

“Right…” Sirius hummed, pausing for a moment before they sat bolt upright. “Oh fuck,  _ Marly. _ ”

“Marly? You’re kidding me?” Remus furrowed his brow.

“The girl who screamed the whole night of your engagement?” Hope asked.

“She has a licence, since her younger brother got engaged and she wanted to officiate. She could do it.” Sirius shrugged, sipping their wine. “You know she’d make it brilliant.”

“Well, it’d be funny at least.” Remus laughed. “We could ask her… just make sure we have ear plugs.”

“Right? I think she would love it. I would too. That means we’d only have our friends and family around. No one else around, you know? Oh… except food… I suppose?” Sirius sighed. There was something nice about the idea of it just being Sirius, Remus and everyone they loved at the wedding, no staff or anything.

“Ah, how about I cook?” Effy smiled from ear to ear. “I’ve done cooking for that many people before, it wouldn’t be trouble at all.”

“I’ll help, Effy,” Hope said instantly, grinning. “We can make a mean feast between us.”

“You don’t have to.” Remus probably did want them to but was being nice.

“Think of it as our wedding gifts.” Effy shook her head.

“Are you sure?” Sirius said, agreeing with Remus. It was a lovely idea though, and Sirius felt so excited to share this with everyone. 

“More than sure.” Effy nodded.

“It’d be an honor, my dears.” Hope smiled, picking up her menu. “We can talk about what you want another time.”

“Yeah,” Sirius agreed, glancing at Remus. “We can figure it out.”

They had a lovely time at dinner with the parents, laughing, chatting, drinking wine and eating very good food. Sirius  _ did _ get the panna cotta, and Remus did end up finishing half of it, because seeing him happy was one of their very favourite things. They finished off the rest of their wine and said goodbye to Hope, Effy and Monty outside the restaurant.

“We’ll talk about the food soon.” Remus hugged his mam. “Maybe we’ll stop by yours Sunday if we’ve nothing on, right love?”

“I’ll drop by too. I think I’m free.” Effy wrapped her arms around Sirius. “Have a nice rest of the night and we’ll see you both soon.”

“Take care you two.” Monty gave them a nod and a smile.

“See you all Sunday, then,” Sirius said, hugging Effy back and hugging Monty too. “Take care — Oh, there’s your bus, Hope!”

Hope waved before taking off towards the bus stop, walking quickly.

“Bye, thank you for the night.” Remus smiled as he was hugged by Effy then Monty.

Sirius waved them off before taking Remus’ hand and tugging him close. “C’mon, let’s go home.”

“Yes please.” Remus grinned, slipping his arm around their waist. “Good night?”

“Mm, so good. That farfalle was ridiculously good. How was your night?”

“Very good. I’m even more excited for our wedding.” Remus led them towards their bus stop.

“Ha, me too.” Sirius kissed his cheek as they stopped at the bus stop. “It’s going to be amazing.”

“Do you want to go home so I can kiss your neck and call you my pearl all night?” Remus hugged them, leaning against the bench behind them.

“Mmhm,” Sirius said, nudging their nose along his jaw. “That sounds perfect.”

“All right.”

Their bus came after a few moments, cuddled together at the stop, and soon enough they were back at the flat. Sirius kicked their shoes off by the door and knelt down to fuss over Snuffles in the entryway. Once the dog was satisfied they were both still alive and well, and thoroughly licked, Sirius stood up. “Tea?”

“Sure, love.” Remus nodded, going towards the living room. “Music or TV?”

“Music tonight.” Sirius went to the kitchen and set about making tea, Snuffles hot on their heels. It was only at bedtime or meals that Snuffles even  _ thought _ about leaving Sirius’ side, apparently. “Earl grey, or?”

“Yeah, Earl Grey.” Remus went toward the living room.

A few moments later there was some kind of jazz coming from the living room.

“Is this Miles, caro?” Sirius said after a moment to listen to it as they added milk to the tea.

“Yeah, Kind of Blue,” Remus replied happily.

“Ha, I thought so!” Sirius grinned to themselves, finishing making tea and sort of swaying from foot to foot. Snuffles sat down by the window with a satisfied huff.

“You’re so cute.” Remus laughed, walking into the kitchen. He came up behind them and put his hands on their hips.

Sirius glanced over their shoulder at him, chuckling. “You spying on me, mister?”

“Always, hard to keep my eyes off you, you know?” He kissed their neck. “Smell good.”

“Mm, hi. I suppose that’s alright then,” Sirius murmured as they leaned back into him, tipping their head onto his shoulder.

“Come on, let’s go to the sofa.” Remus kissed their neck one more time before stepping away.

Sirius picked up their tea and padded through to the living room after Remus. “With tea,” they said, chastising lightly, although they knew that Remus could distract them from damn near anything.

“Oh yeah, with tea, love.” Remus smiled, taking a seat as Snuffles followed Sirius out.

“Oi, Snuffs, watch it, you’re gonna trip me up one day I swea — ” Sirius sat down on the sofa with a huff, shaking their head as Snuffles tried to situate himself directly under their feet.

“It’s nice you have a foot rest.” Remus laughed, shifting closer to Sirius.

Sirius snorted. “Well that’s true, I suppose,” they agreed as they rubbed a foot over Snuffles’ belly. “You had a good night today?”

“Yeah, really good.” Remus nodded. “I’m feeling some what better in general too.”

Sirius felt like they breathed a big sigh of relief for the first time in days. “Good. I’m so glad to hear that, caro.” 

“I’m looking forward to talking to Poppy tomorrow too.” Remus took a sip of his tea.

“Mhmm. I think you’ll really like her,” Sirius said, sipping their own tea. “She seemed eager to talk to you. Not that I’ve dropped you in the deep end or something. I think… I think she knows that when you feel better I feel better too.”

“Yeah, of course. Like when you’re feeling down, it affects me too. I understand that.” Remus reached over and ran his free hand through their hair.

Sirius leaned towards his touch. “One day, we’ll both be feeling good, and we’ll be damn unstoppable, caro.”

‘Yeah.” Remus smiled at them softly. “Who knows what Poppy is going to unpick from my brain.”

“Yeah,” Sirius said, leaning over to kiss his cheek. “Whatever it is, we’ll be fine.”

“I know we will be, we got each other.” Remus kissed the corner of their lips.

Sirius shuffled a bit closer, earning a huff from Snuffles, and kissed his jaw. “Yep. Two more months, and then we’re officially stuck together.”

“Less than two now, actually.” He leaned forward to set his tea down. “I can’t wait to be officially stuck with you.” He wrapped his arms around Sirius and pressed a kiss to their neck.

“Mmhm, me neither,” Sirius murmured, tilting their head to the side a little for him. It was almost stupid how easily Sirius melted for Remus.

“You’re so perfect, my pearl.” He moved his hand to the other side of Sirius’ neck that he wasn’t kissing.

Sirius chuckled softly, sinking into the sofa. “I love that nickname.”

“Better than love?” Remus nipped at one spot. “Better than princess?” He sucked against the same spot.

“Ah…” Sirius made a soft noise. “I like that too. But your voice goes all low when you call me your pearl.”

“Yeah?” Remus gently scraped his teeth along Sirius’ skin before placing tiny kisses. “My pearl.”

“Yeah,” Sirius breathed, shivering. 

“You’re my treasure.” Remus’ hand went into their hair as he continued to kiss at their neck.

Sirius smiled, leaning a little closer and tucking their feet up onto the sofa. “Are you going to run with that sea metaphor?” They tried to quip, but didn’t quite pull it off when their breath hitched.

“You know all my depths.” Remus hummed as he laved at the base of Sirius’ throat.

“Yeah?” Sirius ran their fingers through his hair, sighing softly as they all but melted into him.

“I had to dive to the deepest parts to find you, my pearl.” Remus pulled them into his lap and his lips didn’t leave their neck.

“Mhmm,” Sirius snickered. “You had to brave Marly at a pole comp…” They dropped their head back against the sofa, biting their lip at Remus’ ministrations.

“You pulled me in like the tides.” Remus stopped to suck on a tender spot.

Sirius opened their mouth to say something smarmy back, but all coherent thought disappeared from their mind. They sank into Remus, gasping softly.

“I got swept up by you and completely taken away.” Remus placed a line of kisses down their throat.

“Ah…” Sirius shivered, squirming a little. Remus’ mouth on their neck was their favourite thing, even better when he left marks.

Remus stopped talking and continued his work on Sirius’ neck, stopping every so often to call them his pearl. Eventually he pulled back a little breathless.

Sirius bit their lip, groaning softly as they touched the base of their throat where it was a little sore. “God, I love you.”

“I love you too.” Remus gave them a soft peck on the lips.

“Bed?” Sirius said, equally as breathless. They knew Remus wouldn’t want to get off, but that didn’t matter. They just wanted to cuddle and kiss some more.

“Yeah, bed.” Remus stood up, carefully avoiding Snuffles. He held out a hand. “Come on, my pearl.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: references/talk of past non-con/rape right off the bat. Please take note.

_ We need to start calling it what it is, rape. _

Poppy’s words kept playing over and over in Remus’ head as he left his appointment. He had told her about Fenrir and said in order to talk about it then they needed to use the right terms. Honestly, Remus knew but he never wanted to give what Fenrir did that much power. So he just pretended it was fine. It wasn’t.

Remus looked at Ascendance across the street before heading towards the bus stop. Sirius had a half hour left in a class and Remus didn’t feel like waiting around. He wanted to be home. Maybe he could start dinner and try to stop feeling as if he was going to be sick.

The power of a word was a crazy thing, he thought as he got on the bus. It brought a whole new vision to what had happened with Fenrir. It was heavier now than it was then. Remus was always so good at playing down his emotions, even when he was anxious. He could tuck things away and pretend it was fine. This wasn’t fine.

When he got home Remus was greeted by Snuffles, which was surprising because he thought Sirius was taking him to the studio that day. He took him outside for a few minutes, feeling a bit blank. Remus could barely muster a smile for the old lady that lived down stairs.

Back up in the flat, he kicked his shoes off then laid down on the sofa. He could start dinner in a bit. Snuffles clambered on top of him, lying his head on Remus’ chest. “Jesus, you weigh more than Sirius.” He gave him a few pets then closed his eyes.

“Hi, caro,” came Sirius’ voice, very softly from next to them.

Remus opened his eyes, surprised he fell asleep. Snuffles was still on top of him. “Hi, love.” His voice sounded strange.

“Hi…” Sirius kissed his forehead, stroking their hands through his hair. “You okay?”

“I…” Poppy told him he needed to stop saying he was fine when he wasn’t. It wasn’t helpful. “No. Ah, Sirius, what would you call what Fenrir did when I didn’t want to have sex with him but did anyway?”

Sirius bit their lip, their eyes wide. “Assault, I guess? If you… if you didn’t consent, then…”

“Rape.” Remus felt like he was going to choke on the word. “I never called it that but Poppy… she said she wants me to call it what it is so we can deal with it.” He buried his fingers in Snuffles’ fur.

“Oh…” Sirius stroked their hand through Remus’ hair. “Do you agree with her?”

“Yeah. I mean, I always knew but never wanted to admit that was what it was.” Remus leaned into Sirius’ touch.

Sirius nodded. “I guess society teaches us rape looks a certain way… and that way doesn’t look like what Fenrir did to you because you were in a relationship. But it is, isn’t it? You didn’t consent and he did it anyway…” Sirius’ lips quirked as they scratched their fingers through his hair.

“Yeah, it was.” Remus took a deep breath—as much as he could with a massive dog in his chest. “It’s just strange to think of it and say it out loud.”

“I can imagine.” Sirius kissed his forehead again. 

“Can we make dinner together? I feel like I need to do something.”

“Of course.” Sirius stood up, holding their hand out to Remus. “I’ll put some music on and open a bottle of wine whilst we do?”

“That sounds good.” He tried to get Snuffles to move. “He’s not budging!”

Sirius laughed, whistling for the dog as they stepped back from the sofa. “Snuffs, come on buddy, don’t you love me anymore?”

Snuffles popped his head up for a moment then put it back on Remus’ chest. “Come on, buddy, I got to get up.”

Sirius sat down on the floor, patting their thigh. “Come on, Moony needs to get up, Snuffs.”

The dog huffed, seemingly ignoring them.

Remus laughed, trying his best to wiggle up. “Why don’t we try a treat?”

“Snuffs, I thought I was your favourite, I’m real hurt, buddy,” Sirius said as they dug in their hoodie pocket and held a treat out to the dog. 

After a long moment, Snuffles finally blinded off the sofa to get the treat. Remus laughed a little as he sat up. Sirius wrapped their arms around the dog and ruffled his fur, giving him a kiss on the forehead. “You lookin’ after Moony, buddy?”

Remus smiled as he stood up and stretched. “He’s a good boy.”

“Does my job of fawning over you when I’m not here, don’t you Snuffs?”

“He’s the best.” Remus went over and kissed the top of Sirius’ head. “I’ll get things started, you pick out the music.”

Sirius hooked their arms around his thighs. “I love you, caro.”

“I love you too.” He ran a hand through their hair.

“Any music requests?” Sirius stood up, their hand on his waist.

“No, I trust your snobby tastes.” He kissed their cheek.

“Ha!” Sirius grinned, kissing him on the lips before moving to the record player.

Remus rolled his eyes and went to the kitchen. A few moments later Remus heard the Johnny Coltrane album with  _ My One and Only Love _ . 

“Good choice.” Remus smiled as he got everything out for nachos. Sirius appeared a moment later, kissing Remus on the shoulder as they went for the fridge to pour wine.

They worked together, chatting about their days and Remus was feeling more at ease. The heaviness of the therapy session was wearing off now that he was with Sirius talking, drinking wine, making dinner, and listening to music.

“Is anything happening this weekend?” Sirius hummed as they were vigorously mashing avocado for guacamole—it was one of the things they were very good at.

“I was thinking we should ask Marly about officiating. Maybe have her and Dorky over for a game night. You two can rip each other’s heads off over scrabble.”

“Oh! That sounds perfect. I’ll text her now? I think she’ll lose her shit when we ask her.”

“We need to invest in ear plugs.” Remus checked the beef to see if it was ready to put on the nachos before they put them in the oven to melt the cheese.

“Good idea. Have a brownie at the ready.” Sirius smiled, sprinkling extra cheese over the nachos.

“Certainly not a cookie unless you want to unearth punk Remus.” He laughed, turning to the stove top off.

Sirius wrapped their arm around his waist and kissed their shoulder. “I love unearthing punk Remus. You know your political rants get me going.”

“Ha, I’m sure.” He wiggled out of their grasp to bring the beef over to the nachos.

“I think Marly high might be a handful though.” Sirius shook their head, going back to the living room to presumably find their phone.

“Oh god, she might be.” He put the nachos in the oven then set the timer for a couple of minutes.

Sirius topped up their wine glasses when they came back into the kitchen. “We’ll have to find out. I’ve text her.”

“Great.” Remus took a sip of his wine. “She’s going to be thrilled about officiating.”

“Right? I think she’ll be honoured. We  _ might _ get her to cry…”

“Oh, Marly cry? I’ve never seen it. Usually James takes up all the tears in the room.” Remus leaned against the counter.

“Right. I’ve only seen it once, when we bought the studio, but that’s it. She made me swear to keep it a secret.”

“Well, I hope it happens again.” Remus snorted a laugh. “And way to keep that secret.”

Sirius rolled their eyes. “I can tell you, you keep all my secrets darling.”

“I do.” Remus grinned. “You’ve a few naughty ones you probably don’t want out in the world.”

“Oh yeah? What like?” Sirius said, wrapping their arms around his middle.

Remus moved away from Sirius again, going to check the nachos. “Just stuff.”

Sirius made a soft noise of agreement before grabbing the little bowls of guacamole and sour cream and going into the living room.

He took the nachos out, wondering if he had hurt Sirius’ feelings. He didn’t want to be touched at the moment but he had been the one to bring up the naughty secrets. God, this was terrible. Remus was perfectly comfortable with Sirius and what they did in and out of the bedroom. “Sirius, let’s eat at the table, it’s easier.” He called back.

“Oh, sure okay,” came Sirius’ voice a moment before they walked back into the kitchen, bowls and glasses balanced in their arms, Snuffles behind them.

“It’s just easier and probably less messy, sorry.” Remus set the pan on the table.

“That makes sense. You’re smart, caro.” Sirius set everything down on the table as Snuffles curled up under it.

“Plates or no?” Remus looked to the cabinet, standing a bit awkwardly in the middle of the kitchen.

“We can just dig out of the pan, can’t we?” Sirius smiled softly, sitting down.

“Yeah, sure.” Remus sat down in his usual seat, reaching for some of the cheesiest parts.

Sirius talked about a new routine they were putting together for a competition after their wedding. Remus nodded along, not really sure what some of the words meant. He loved how excited Sirius was about it. They probably did the same when Remus went off on climbing tangents.

Remus sat back when he was full with a sigh. “I think I’m going to hop in the shower after we clean up.”

“Alright,” Sirius hummed around a mouthful of nachos. “I’ll clean up. You can shower, if you like.”

“You sure?” Remus stood up, feeling bad to leave Sirius to clean up.

They shook their head. “Yep, it’s fine. There’s barely any washing up.”

Remus nodded. “Okay, thanks, love.” Remus smiled before leaving the kitchen.

The shower didn’t fix anything, of course, he was still feeling emotionally exhausted and overwhelmed. He padded into the bedroom to change into his pyjamas, he was somewhat happy that Sirius wasn’t in the bedroom yet for some reason. Maybe it was because he didn’t feel like he knew what to say to them. He couldn’t avoid them though, so he headed back out into the living room.

“Hi caro,” Sirius hummed from the sofa, where they were curled up on the sofa with Snuffles.

“Hi, love.” He went to wedge himself in on the other side of Snuffles.

“Budge up, buddy,” Sirius murmured to Snuffles, who listened and cuddled a bit closer to Sirius to make some room.

Remus smiled and buried his fingers in Snuffles’ fur. “I forgot, we also are meant to see our mothers Sunday to talk about food for the wedding.”

“Oh yeah, we can do that.” Sirius hummed. “Oh, Marly replied, she said she and Dorky will come over and bring food on Saturday.”

“That sounds nice.” Remus closed his eyes as he ran his hands over Snuffles.

“Mhmm, we can ask Marly, make her cry, and then get high, play Scrabble.” Sirius’ voice was soft, their head on Snuffles’ belly.

“I’ll own all of you at scrabble while high.” Remus smiled a little.

Sirius smiled indulgently. “I’m thankful antidisestablishmentarianism is impossible to get in scrabble, caro, unless stoner punk Remus would get on that.”

“Oh yes, punk Remus would get that one for sure. Could I do anti-consumerism? Direct Action? Anarchy? Nihilism? Underground?”

“Oh nihilism, that’d be a good one.”

“You’re not allowed to steal it from me.” Remus looked over at Sirius.

Sirius snorted. “I won’t caro, you can have all the punk words. I have enough french ballet terms to see me through.”

“Oh thank goodness and I have all my climbing terms as well.” Remus nodded with a yawn.

“Come on,” Sirius said softly. “I bet you’re knackered, caro. Let’s go to bed.”

“It’s still really early.” Remus rubbed his face.

“And you’re knackered after some ridiculously intense emotional turmoil today. Take it from the experienced, hm?” Sirius smiled, nudging their foot into his. “I’m not going to carry you if you fall asleep here, so better to nod off in bed.”

“You couldn’t lift me if I fell asleep here.” Remus forced himself off the sofa. “I’m going to make some herbal tea, want some?”

Sirius snorted. “I’m not a climber but I’m no weakling, thank you.” They were still pretty pinned beneath Snuffles.

“You can’t even get the dog off you. Do you want tea or no?” Remus snickered going into the kitchen.

“I don’t  _ want _ to get the dog off me, caro,” Sirius said haughtily.

“The tea Sirius?” Remus asked sharply, surprising himself at his sudden anger. There was no reason for him to be angry with Sirius. “Sorry, I didn’t mean for that to be so… angry.”

“Ah…” There was a moment of silence from the living room. “No, thank you. I’m fine without tea, Rem.”

“I’m sorry,” Remus said again, putting a hand over his face and standing in the middle of the kitchen.

“It’s okay, caro,” Sirius said, followed by a big huff that meant Snuffles had finally moved from the sofa.

Remus chewed the inside of his cheek as he went to make himself a cuppa. Why did this all have to come up? He was glad that he was going to be getting some help from Poppy, but he honestly didn’t think that it would come out this way.

Sirius appeared in the kitchen doorway after a moment, Snuffles peering around their legs. They were biting their lip, watching Remus when he turned. He plopped the tea bag in his cup after clicking on the kettle then leaned against the counter, waiting for Sirius to say something because he felt out of words today.

There was a long pause, the only noise Snuffles as he trotted back to his bed, presumably. “I love you,” Sirius said softly.

“I love you too. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to snap. I don’t know… I really can’t understand why I did that. You weren’t bothering me.” Remus shook his head.

“You asked me and I didn’t answer.” Sirius shrugged. “That’s fair.”

“No, it’s not. That was really an arsehole thing to do. I know you were preoccupied with Snuffles. It’s not you that I’m angry with. I’m angry with Fenrir and myself. It’s not fair for me to take it out on you.” Remus bit his cheek again. He was so mad at himself for not thinking about this earlier, like two years ago or whenever it was he left Fenrir. Now it was in his face.

Sirius sighed softly. “You’re  _ allowed  _ to be angry, Rem. Fenrir did some really shitty things and is still an arsehole. I’d be worried if you  _ weren’t  _ angry.”

“I know, but it’s not fair to take it out on you.” Remus’ voice cracked.

“I mean, I’d like it if you didn’t snap at me, but I understand. I’m not mad at you.” Sirius crossed the room and held a hand out to him.

Remus took their hand. “Okay.” He let out a long breath. “Okay.”

The kettle clicked off and Remus dropped Sirius’ hand to pour the water into his mug. “Bed?” He looked up after setting the kettle down.

Sirius smiled softly. “Bed.”

Remus lead the way. He crawled over to his side of the bed after grabbing his phone and turning on the fairy lights. Once he nestled in his opened his phone to go on Instagram. Remus watched Sirius for a moment as Sirius took a moment longer to get undressed, taking their time trailing around the room to tidy up various things that had been left out, humming to themselves.

“What are you humming?” Remus asked over his tea.

“KP,” Sirius said after a moment. “Make My Bed.”

“Ah, I thought so.” Remus nodded, setting the mug on the windowsill, it was still too hot to drink.

“Did some more work on the Cheap Queen choreography today. Still some sections I’m unhappy with.”

“I can’t wait to see it.” Remus watched them, wondering what was taking them so long to get into bed tonight.

“Come by the studio next week and I’ll show you, if you like.” Sirius pushed a drawer shut with their hip, then finally padded over to the bed, climbing in.

“Yeah, sure.” Remus set his phone down as well.

“Want to watch something?” Sirius said, settling on their side facing Remus.

“Sure, whatever you’d like.” Remus hugged his pillow under his head. He was sure he was going to fall asleep sooner than later.

“Alright. Good night, caro.” Sirius watched him for a moment before rolling over to grab their own phone from the side.

Remus frowned. “I didn’t say I was sleeping yet.”

Sirius bit their lip. “I was finding something to watch on my phone, if that’s alright? And you looked pretty sleepy, so I thought I’d say goodnight…”

“Yeah, that’s okay… I just… I don’t know. Good night.” Remus leaned over to kiss their cheek then rolled over to face away from them.

Sirius kissed back, but there was a pause before they said, “Night, my love.”

Remus started at the wall for a moment then rolled back over. “Sirius, what’s wrong?”

“Mm?” They paused, biting their lip. “I wish I could help you feel better is all. I’m mad at everything.”

“It just feels like you’re avoiding me right now. You took forever to get in bed then you just turned over to go on your phone with only a good night.”

“I was just tidying up.” Sirius set their phone down, rolling onto their side to face him.

“You looked like you were killing time.” Remus’ voice sounded a bit strained to himself.

Sirius sighed. “I’m annoying you right now and the less I can do to annoy you, the easier it makes it for the both of us.”

“You’re not annoying me. I  — I… why…” Remus was surprised at the tears that started to stream down his cheeks.  _ What the fuck? _ “I’m sorry for snapping earlier. You’re not annoying me.”

“It’s okay if I am.” Sirius reached out and rubbed their thumb over Remus’ cheekbone. “You’ve had a shit day.”

“You’re not annoying me. You just feel so far away right now.” Remus swallowed hard then buried his face in the pillow. God, why was this happening?

Sirius rubbed their hand over his shoulder. “I’m right here, Rem. I’m not going anywhere.”

“I don’t want you to think you’re annoying me when you’re not. You’ve done nothing wrong. I just want you close by but at the same time  — I… I don’t know how close if that makes sense.” Remus sniffled turning to look at them.

“Yeah…” Sirius smiled a little sadly. “That’s okay. I need you tell me what you want from me then, I can’t read your mind, much as I want to.”

“I honestly don’t know. I don’t even know if I want to cuddle.” Remus sniffled again. “Maybe just play with my hair?”

“Of course,” Sirius said instantly, shifting one shoulder so they could filter their fingers through Remus’ hair, feather-light.

“That feels good. Thank you.” Remus closed his eyes. Maybe tomorrow would be better.


	10. Chapter 10

Sirius had had an epiphany at lunchtime after they saw an advert for a carnival that was in town for the weekend. Maybe getting Remus out of the flat tonight after the awkwardness of last night would do some good.

_ I have made plans for us for tonight! You get our at five, right? _

**Yeah, five. What are plans?**

_ Will you have a coronary if I say I’m keeping it a surprise? _

**You know how much I love information….**

**But I’ll let you keep the surprise**

_ You’re the best  _

💙😍💙😍

**💖 Love you. Are you picking me up here?**

_ We can get changed first. So I’ll see you back home?  _

_ We can bring Snuffles with us _

**Sounds good. I’ll see you at home.**

**Love you, my pearl**

_ WAIT _

_ Snuffles can’t come, he won’t enjoy it _

_ I finish at 4.30 so I’ll take him for a walk before you get back then he’ll be fine _

_ Ignore me _

_ I love you, my Austen heroine _

**Okay, that’s fine.**

**See you tonight!**

After work, Sirius went home and took Snuffles for a run—he was very excited to see them as usual—and then jumped into the shower to get rid of their grimy feeling. They had just gotten dressed in jeans and their favourite Bowie shirt when they heard the front door go and Snuffles stir in the living room.

“Hi caro!” They called.

“Hi love!” Remus called back. “Hey buddy, were you the best boy today?” Remus’ voice was softer as he spoke to Snuffles.

A moment later Remus came into the bedroom with a soft smile. “So, this is a jeans and t-shirt thing?”

“Well,” Sirius said, dragging out the end of the word. “It’s outside, so I think you want to be comfortable.” They sat on the edge of the bed to pull their socks on. “Good day?”

“Okay.” Remus went over to the drawer. “Yeah, all right day. I’m still feeling… I don’t know, off I guess.”

“It’s okay. You’re allowed to.” Sirius watched him for a moment before slipping off the bed and kissing Remus’ cheek. “You alright to go out tonight? It’s nothing… strenuous.”

“I think it will be good to get out of the flat.” Remus pulled out a pair of well worn jeans.

“That’s what I thought,” Sirius said with a smile. “I love those jeans.”

“Thanks.” Remus got out of the shorts he wore to PureFit to pull on his jeans. “What shirt?”

“Mmm, how about that one with the palm leaves on?” Sirius sat on the edge of the bed as Snuffles padded in looking for pats. “The ones that look like weed leaves.”

Remus laughed pulling out the shirt Sirius was talking about after doing up his jeans. “They’re palms, it even said it on the website I got it on.”

“ _ Palms. _ ” Sirius did air-quotes, grinning.

“I’m not that much of a stoner I wear it on my clothes.” Remus scoffed before he pulled off his PureFit shirt.

“That’s true. You’re my best garbage, I wouldn’t let you wear like, a stoner beanie or anything. Although you do look adorable in a beanie.”

“No, I’m not putting a beanie on with this.” Remus grabbed the shirt. “It’s July and rather warm out.”

“I was going to say, too warm for a beanie anyway.” Sirius leaned back on their hands, smiling. “You look lovely just like that.”

“I’m not even in the shirt yet. Maybe I’ll get a beanie for the winter.” He went to get into the shirt.

“Good idea.” Sirius almost wolf whistled at the sight of a shirtless Remus but caught themselves, thinking better of it with how Remus was feeling right now.

Remus fix his shirt then put his wallet and phone in his pockets. “Okay, anything else for this adventure?”

Sirius shook their head. “Nope, I think we’re all ready!”

“Okay, let’s go to this mystery location. You know it’s been killing me all day.” Remus started for the door.

“I know, I know, Mr. Information.” Sirius grabbed their leather jacket and shrugged it on, making sure Snuffles had food and water before following Remus out.

“Is this a car, bus, or walking thing?” Remus questioned them as they took the stairs.

“Bus.” Sirius held their hand out for him to take. “Just to the edge of the city is all.”

“Okay.” Remus took this hand, lacing their fingers together. “What side of the edge of the city?”

“Mm, you’ll realise as soon as we get on the bus,” Sirius said after a moment of thought as they stopped at the bus stop. “East side. Out near that big park.”

Remus frowned as he thought. “Is there a movie in the park or something night? If there was we’d probably bring blankets.”

“Probably, hm?” Sirius smiled secretively.

“Is there like a market? Normally that’s in town when they have those things. Wait, we could have brought Snuffs with us for something like that though. Is there some outdoor play or concert?”

“All these things are true, yes.”

“You’re such a  — a brat.” Remus huffed then kissed Sirius on the lips quickly. “Fireworks.”

“When you kiss me?” Sirius said with a grin. “How sweet.”

“No. A Fireworks display.” Remus nudged them with his elbow as the bus pulled up.

“Ohh, hm, no no.” Sirius chuckled, getting on the bus and stepping to the side of the seats so Remus could sit down first.

“Please tell me it’s not some monster truck thing. Marly and Dorky dragged me to something like that before.” Remus groaned, head resting against the window.

Sirius snorted. “No, I think you’ll have fun. No monster trucks.”

“Thank god.” Remus turned in his seat a little to look at Sirius. “Thanks for taking my mind off things.”

“Of course, my love. I thought it’d be fun to go do something together, just the two of us.” Sirius leaned over and pressed a kiss to his cheek.

“Yesterday was so hard.” Remus sighed. “Today wasn’t great either but I read some websites that Poppy had shared with me, so it made me feel a bit better. I mean, not great, but…” He shrugged a shoulder.

“Well that’s good.” Sirius sighed softly, they just wanted to help Remus figure everything out, help him understand everything. “Poppy will make sure you’re okay.”

“I know, I think the worst thing has already happened. I needed to accept the word rape, and it’s been difficult because it changes how I look back at things.” His voice was quiet.

“Right… it reframes everything, doesn’t it?” Sirius tucked their hand into the crook of Remus’ arm.

“Yeah.” Remus nodded with a frown. “I don’t… there were so many bad things about that relationship. He cut me off from my friends and family. He was hot and cold. It wasn’t right. I should have talked to someone about it ages ago. I think seeing you talk about your stuff with Poppy made me see that it’s helpful. Not that I didn’t think it was before… does that make sense?”

“Right. That makes sense. It’s hard to see how wrong things are until you gain distance… and even then, you need the tools to see it, too.”

“I think it will feel better and better as time goes on and I understand things more and I get those tools.” Remus licked his lips. “I’m still upset with myself and how I treated you yesterday.”

“I understand,” Sirius said softly. They  _ did _ understand. It still hurt to be snapped at by Remus when they were trying to help, but they also understood how wound up he must’ve been feeling at the moment. “I don’t mind.”

“Well, I do mind. So next time I do it, just call me out… nicely but call me out. Don’t just ignore it, okay?” Remus looked so sad.

Sirius tutted softly, leaning over to kiss his cheek. “Okay, I will. I love you.”

“I’d love you even more if you told me what’s happening.” Remus grinned.

“Oh no, I’m not falling for that. Our stop is in a second, anyway.”

“Ugh, fine.” Remus sat back, looking out the window.

They sat for a moment longer, watching the buildings go by, before Sirius tapped Remus on the arm. “Okay, this is us, caro,” they said, standing up. The top of the ferris wheel was peeking over the treetops and Sirius was pretty sure Remus would realise where they were going sooner or later.

“Ah, it’s carnival. This is so sweet, Sirius.” Remus grabbed this hand as he lead them towards the entrance.

“I thought it would be fun. There’s the — obviously — ferris wheel, and I think there’s a hall of mirrors and I  _ heard _ there were some gymnasts. But there’s like, hook-a-duck and hoopla and all these stupid carnival games.” Sirius grinned, they used to love going to the circus that came through the park near their house when they were younger. They and Regulus used to sneak out and Sirius dreamed of running away with it.

“This sounds like exactly what I need.” Remus kissed their cheek.

“Mhmm,” Sirius said, pleased with themselves. They pulled their wallet out and paid the entrance fee for them both after waiting in a fairly short queue. Everything was spread out before them after the gates, with a main ‘street’ of stalls, and the ferris wheel and other buildings at the end. “Where first then, my love?”

“Let’s play some games.”

“Oooh, okay, what are you gonna go for? Are you a whizz at basketball and I’ve had no idea this whole time?” Sirius swung their hands between them as they walked.

“No, I’m shit at basketball. Ah, look they have a test your strength.” Remus tugged on their hand.

“Ah!” Sirius grinned, letting him pull them over towards it. “Oh, however will I manage getting to see you display your wonderful arms, Remus?”

“I’m not sure.” Remus laughed as he walked up to the bloke in charge.

Sirius bit their lip, letting him walk forward. Maybe they shouldn’t have made a comment about Remus’ arms, but they were so used to showering him with compliments that they needed to remind themselves he maybe didn’t want that right now.

Remus took the hammer and stepped up to the plate. His first swing brought it up to 500, which was about halfway. He laughed, looking up at the top and the bloke in charge said if Remus could get it to the 800 then he’d get a prize. “Okay, let’s try one more time.”

Sirius leaned on the nearby fence, trying not to be ridiculously thirsty. They were probably failing, they thought as they watched Remus, grinning. “You can do it caro, I believe in you!”

“Right.” Remus rolled his shoulders a few times then swung the hammer, bringing it all the way up to ring the bell. “Ha! I better get a good prize now.” He grinned at Sirius.

Sirius clapped, grinning ear to ear. “Knew you could do it!” they said, coming up as Remus set down the hammer. The bloke in charge shook his head, laughing a little as he disappeared behind the stall then came back with a  _ huge _ stuffed dog toy. It was a big Dalmatian type dog — though if Sirius were being honest the proportions were all off — and Sirius grinned as the bloke handed it to Remus.

“Thanks.” Remus smiled at the man before turning to Sirius and handing the stuffed animal to Sirius. “All yours.”

“Ah!” Sirius grinned, wrapping their arms around the dog. “Why do I feel like Snuffles will love him?”

“It’s the perfect size toy for him.” Remus snickered as they walked away from the booth. “Where to now?”

Sirius laughed, walking along besides Remus. “I wanna try and win a game now… then maybe we can get donuts or churros and go on the ferris wheel?”

“No, we have to wait for it to be a bit darker to go on the ferris wheel. I like seeing the lights. But yes to another game and donuts. Maybe candy floss? Oh and the hall of mirrors.” Remus sounded excited now.

“Yes!” Sirius grinned, delighting to hear the excitement in Remus’ voice. “Okay, ferris wheel at the end of the night, mayb — Oh!” Sirius spotted a target practise game with BB guns. “Oh, I’m doing this,” they said quickly, practically dragging Remus over towards the stall.

“Ha, okay.” Remus let himself be dragged. “I didn’t know you’d be good at something like this.”

Sirius bit their lip, handing Remus the dog toy. “That’s what you get with aristocracy. Weekends hunting and shooting. Works out good for the carnivals though.” They managed a quick smile before turning and chatting with the owner of the stall for a second before picking up the gun. 

Sirius bit their lip, concentrating as they aimed down the sights. Three targets shouldn’t be too hard, especially seeing as they got five shots. They tried not to think about their biological father with his hand on their shoulder as they fired the first shot. It hit the outer ring of the first target. Okay, fine, getting their eye in.

“You can do it, my pearl,” Remus all but cooed next to them.

Sirius rolled their eyes. “Shut up,” they retorted, grinning. The second shot, thankfully, hit the bullseye of the first target. “Ha!” They took a step down, lined up the sights, then fired the third shot, right into the bullseye of the second target. Sirius gave a little laugh, rolling their shoulder as they stepped down and fired the fourth shot right into the third bulls eye. “Yes! Ha! Still got it.”

“Holy shit! Sirius! Damn, I’m never going to piss you off.” Remus chuckled, patting their shoulder.

Sirius laughed, setting the BB gun down. “Worried for a minute with that first shot, but no, it all came back to me.”

“That was amazing. I’m impressed.” Remus shook his head as the person in charge of the booth came over. 

“Ohh, hmm… Oh. I definitely want that,” they said after a minute, pointing to the prizes hung up on the wall to the side. The person passed them the glittery purple cowboy hat and Sirius turned to Remus with a grin after thanking them. “I think this would suit you, caro.”

“No.” Remus snorted, batting away their hand.

“Really compliments your colouring!” Sirius laughed, hopping closer and attempting to put the hat on his head whilst he was encumbered with the stuffed toy.

“I will let you take one picture with this bloody thing on then it’s off and lives on the dog’s head until we get home.” Remus held his hands up.

“Okay, okay,” Sirius said, sensing when they were beat. They plonked the hat onto Remus’ head before taking the dog with their other hand as they pulled their phone out to take a selfie. “Smile, caro!”

Remus rolled his eyes then smiled. “Lucky I love you.”

They trailed around the rest of the carnival with the cowboy hat on the stuffed dog’s head, as Remus had said. They laughed through the hall of mirrors, where Sirius kicked one leg up over their head just to see how it looked in the stupid mirrors, and played some more stall games. They didn’t quite win as big as the dog toy, but Remus won a keyring on the ring toss and Sirius got entirely distracted by those claw machines to try and win another stuffed toy.

The sun was just setting as they bought a bag of donuts. “Ferris wheel?” Sirius said, popping one in their mouth.

“Yes, ferris wheel time.”


	11. Chapter 11

Remus was having a nice night with Sirius. They were able to laugh and relax after what was a strained night before. Sirius was being so sweet to him, and Remus was so happy to have them around. It wasn’t fair the night before when he snapped at them when they were trying to help. At the same time, he was scared when Sirius backed off. He wanted them close but Remus couldn’t even describe how close.

Thankfully today, he was feeling somewhat better after having to reframe months of his life from the past. He knew it’d get better, he just had to work on it. Doing the carnival was a nice light-hearted thing for him and Sirius to enjoy together and have fun.

They got on the ferris wheel and Sirius sat opposite them. Remus frowned because he wanted them on the same side. “You’re all the way over there.” Remus frowned across as they started to move.

Sirius tilted their head a little, smiling. “Wasn’t sure if you wanted to sprawl out, is all. Shall I move?”

“Yeah, please.” Remus scooted over to make more room.

“Oh, alright then,” Sirius said with a smile, leaving the Dalmatian toy on the other seat and moving over to sit next to Remus. They paused for a moment before nudging up closer to him.

“I want you close to me right now, okay?” Remus put an arm around them.

Sirius smiled, turning to press their mouth against his shoulder. “Okay, caro. I’m right here.”

“I don’t know how to explain how I’m feeling about intimacy right now. We’ve come so far and right now…” Remus shook his head.

“It’s okay. I understand. I just need you to tell me what you want whenever it appears to you. The last thing I want is to upset you.” Sirius’ voice was soft and low.

“I know.” Remus sighed as they got closer to the top. He looked down over the lights of the carnival and out to the lights of the city. He wanted to go back to being comfortable with everything again. It wasn’t fair. “I want you to cuddle up to me here and then hold my hand all the way home and maybe cuddle in bed.”

Sirius smiled, tucking one foot up onto the seats and cuddling against his side. “Consider it done.”

“This is really stupidly romantic, isn’t it?” Remus kissed their temple.

“Oh absolutely,” Sirius said instantly. “It’s so romantic I might’ve proposed if we hadn’t already.”

“Hey, Sirius?” Remus looked over with a grin.

Sirius smiled. “Yes Remus?”

“Will you marry me in like a month and a half?” Remus laughed a little, taking Sirius’ left hand.

“Of course,” Sirius said, laughing as they took his hand and pressed a kiss to his engagement ring. “I thought you’d never ask, darling.”

“Ha, thank goodness, with all these plans we’ve made.” Remus slumped down a little to rest against Sirius as they stopped at the top.

Sirius was silent for a moment, shifting so they could put their arms around Remus’ middle. “Reckon we can see the flat from here?”

“Hmm, maybe.” Remus looked over to the direction of where they lived.

“If it was a clear night I reckon we’d be able to see Snuffles having the time of his life at those secret dog parties he throws whenever we leave him alone, if we looked close enough.”

“Oh yes, I can see the strobe lights blinking in our windows. I think that husky is going in.” Remus snickered.

Sirius chuckled, letting their head fall onto his shoulder. They squeezed their joined hands on Remus’ knee, still looking out over the city.

“We can take him with us to Italy, right? You’ve checked into it.” Remus looked up at them.

“Yep,” Sirius said. “Since he’s  _ technically _ registered as a service dog for our liability insurance at the studio, he’s allowed on the plane so long as we buy him a seat. Because he’s too fucking huge to just sit in the aisle, which—” Sirius shrugged— “is true, I suppose.”

Remus snorted a laugh. “Right, he’ll just try to snuggle all over us the whole ride anyhow.”

“Mhmm. I plan on using him as a pillow.”

“Yes.” Remus agreed, thinking about Snuffles on the plane. “The florist confirmed by the way.”

“Oh, amazing. We sent over the photos of what we wanted, yeah?” Sirius’ fingers were circling absently over Remus’ knee.

“Yeah, she said she loved them and will do them justice. After seeing pictures of what she’s done in the past, I think it might be better.” Remus turned his head to press a kiss to Sirius’ jaw.

“Mm, she’ll make them wonderful, I’m sure. It’ll all be wonderful whatever happens so long as we say I do.” Sirius smiled, tilting towards him a little.

“Have you thought of your vows?” Remus asked as they made their way back down again.

Sirius snorted a laugh. “Whenever I try my mind goes blank. At this point I think I might just improv them,” they said with a wry smile.

“I’ve written some ideas down. But I’m sure you’ll blow me away with yours — improvised or not.”

“I’ll just get emotional, do a Marly and soliloquise about how much I love you, I reckon.”

“I can’t wait.” Remus closed his eyes. “One year ago I didn’t know who you were. Can you believe that?”

Sirius shook their head. “Not even a little. It’s crazy to think, isn’t it?”

“I feel like I’d be completely lost without you.” Remus kissed their cheek.

“I know I would.” Sirius paused for a moment. “Imagine, if I hadn’t been at that pole comp, or you hadn’t tagged along with Dorky, or Marly hadn’t introduced us… think we’d have still found each other? Or…”

“God, I think Marly and Dorky were set on us getting together. There were a few times Dorky mentioned a person Marly worked with to me but… I don’t think I was ready until I was…”

Sirius hit him in the knee lightly. “What if that person was Ben or Hestia, though? Can you imagine?” Sirius grinned. “I think you would’ve walked into the studio one day and I’d have resigned myself to being a homewrecker.”

“Ha, oh god!” Remus shook his head. “I would have never had any interest in either of them.”

“I’m flattered,” Sirius said softly, leaning up to kiss his cheek.

“Always you, even before I knew you.” Remus nuzzled their neck.

Sirius hummed. “Our atoms were close together, right?” 

“Yes, our atoms… the big bang and all that.” Remus kissed them on the cheek.

“Right.”

The Ferris wheel stopped, finally back at the bottom and Sirius grabbed his hand, picking up the giant stuffed dog in their other arm. “Home?”

Remus nodded, taking the bag of donuts in his free hand. “Yeah. Let’s watch a movie and cuddle in bed.” He led them towards the exit.

“That sounds perfect.”

The bus ride back was quiet, Sirius staring out the window while Remus rested his head on their shoulder. They walked back hand in hand to their flat from the stop and up to the door. “Hope Snuffles stopped the wild party before we got back.” Remus took out his keys.

Sirius snickered. “I don’t hear any drum and bass.”

“Better be cleaned up.” He unlocked the door, hearing Snuffles whining on the other side.

“He’ll have tidied. He’s a good dog.” Sirius went in first as they usually did, being immediately accosted by Snuffles, who looked surprisingly alert for having partied all night.

“Hi, you are the best boy, cleaning up from all that partying.” Remus scratched behind his ears.

He let Snuffles give Sirius all his love then went to make some tea. “Did you want tea, my pearl?”

Sirius made a little  _ ooft _ noise as Snuffles knocked them on their arse, grinning as they petted him. “Yes please, caro!” 

Remus hummed to himself as he went to make the tea, nothing in particular just a random tune. “Herbal okay?” He asked, looking at the tea bags.

“Sounds perfect! You pick, I trust you.” 

“Okay, still being loved by Snuffles?” Remus laughed, plonking a bag in each mug.

“Yep—ah! God he’s still excited to see me every day as he was the first!” Sirius was laughing, still in the hallway by the sounds of it.

“He and I feel the same way.” Remus watched the kettle, the blue light making the water glow.

Sirius chuckled. “You’re sweet, caro.”

“Just you wait for my vows.” He smiled to himself.

“Oh god,” Sirius said, their footsteps bringing them closer into the kitchen. “Am I going to cry?”

“Probably.” Remus tapped on the counter.

Sirius padded over and hopped up onto the counter near his hands. “If I wear mascara it best be waterproof then, hm?”

“Yes, for sure.” Remus looked up at them with a smile. “I’m dying to see what you wear.”

“So am I.” Sirius grinned.

“Do you have ideas?”

“Oh yeah I’ve got two outfits planned, three, I think actually,” Sirius murmured, tapping the back of their heels against the cupboard.

“I hope I at least get to see them all.” Remus grinned as the kettle clicked off and he moved over to it.

“I’ll probably only wear one. But I can show you the other two on our wedding night, if you like, or the honeymoon.” Sirius watched him, smiling.

Remus felt his stomach go to knots at the thought of the honeymoon. He wanted to get past this mental block. It wasn’t his usual grey-ace feelings, it was things that he thought he worked through already. “Yeah, I can’t wait.” He grabbed the kettle, hoping Sirius couldn’t sense anything. He didn’t want to bring down the mood. They were just talking.

“Yeah.” Sirius smiled, seemingly oblivious to Remus’ shift in mood. “What shall we watch?”

“Hmm, how about Four Weddings and a Funeral?” Remus poured the water into their mugs.

“Sounds perfect.” Sirius hopped off the counter. “I’ll get it up on your laptop?”

“Yeah, sounds good.”

Sirius kissed his cheek before padding off into the bedroom.

Remus smiled as he finished up with their tea then followed after them. He passed by Snuffles curled up in his bed then went through to the bedroom. “Okay, tea.” He set it down. “I need to change.”

“Alright,” Sirius said, already in bed, their hair up in a bun, big t-shirt falling off one shoulder.

“Is that my shirt?” Remus raised an eyebrow, going to the drawer.

Sirius wriggled further under the covers. “Maybe.”

“Maybe? Only my clothes hang off you like that.” He laughed as he got undressed.

“Just because you have wonderful shoulders,” Sirius said, smiling. “It’s comfy.”

“I like you wearing my clothes. I’m not complaining.” Remus pulled on a flannel pair of bottoms. “Did you find the movie?”

“Yep, all ready to go. Just need someone to cuddle.”

“Okay, coming.” He pulled on an old shirt then crawled into bed.

“Hi gorgeous,” Sirius murmured, cuddling up to him.

“Hi.” Remus reached over for his tea carefully then put an arm around Sirius.

Sirius pulled the laptop into their lap and hit play on the movie, resting their head on his shoulder.

“Oh Hugh Grant, always so bumbling.” Remus took a sip of his tea, rubbing his hand up Sirius’ arm

“Such an idiot. I liked Julia Roberts when I was younger, for different reasons than most teenagers I can imagine though.”

“Ha, oh yeah? What were those reasons?” Remus grinned.

“Well I reckon most boys wanted to shag her. I wanted those thigh high boots she wore in Pretty Woman.” Sirius laughed, reaching over him for their tea.

“Oh, yeah?” Remus snickered.

“Mhmm. One day I’ll find the perfect pair. It was that, and the way she had his shirt on, tied up around her waist over top of that little dress…” Sirius shrugged. “Guess I liked fucking with gender a lot earlier than I came to terms with it, hey?”

“Apparently. That sounds like a great look though, you should do it one day.”

Sirius smiled, kissing his jaw. “Lend me a button shirt then? You said yourself, you like me in your clothes.”

“Sure, anything you want, love.” Remus took a sip of his tea, sitting back a little.

“You’re too kind, caro,” Sirius murmured, drinking their own tea, still sitting forward. 

Remus frowned, feeling like they should have responded differently. He normally would have, even when he didn’t want to get off. They were always flirty. This was annoying, he needed to talk to Poppy about it. Surely Sirius would beat him to it. “Why are you all the way up there? Come sit back.”

“Alright, alright.” Sirius sat back, holding their tea carefully.

“Do you like this tea? It’s my mam’s blend.” Remus asked as Sirius settled against him.

“Oh god, will I get high?” Sirius said with a grin. “It’s really nice though.”

“No, no weed in the tea.” Remus snorted. “It’s some calming blend for anxiety. Helps you sleep too.”

Sirius hummed, nodding softly. “It’s nice.”

“Yeah.” Remus set his mug on the windowsill. “Tell her you like it, I’m trying to get her to sell it at the shop.” He moved so he could rest his head on Sirius’ chest.

“Oh, pass me my phone then, or you can text her on my phone.” Sirius’ fingers went through Remus’ hair. “My hands are preoccupied with tea and your hair. I’ll dictate?”

“Mmm, tomorrow.” Remus yawned, feeling a bit sleepy now.

“Okay caro,” Sirius said, kissing the top of his head.

“Goodnight, love,” Remus murmured.

“Good night darling, sleep tight.”


	12. Chapter 12

On Saturday afternoon, Sirius came home from work with Snuffles and left him on the sofa, intending to jump in the shower. “Caro?” They called on the way to the bedroom.

They couldn’t remember if Remus would be home or not, too preoccupied by wondering what they would say to Marly tonight. “In the bedroom,” Remus called back.

Sirius peeked around the door. “Hi, caro. You alright?”

Remus was laying in bed, sprawled out. He popped his head up. “Yeah, love, I got a headache but I’ll survive.”

“Alright for tonight?” Sirius frowned softly, coming into the bedroom and pulling their shirt off.

“Yeah, I think I’m dehydrated. It was pretty warm in the hall today.” Remus reached for the water by the bed. “I’ll be fine.”

“Okay,” Sirius said, crossing over to kiss his forehead.

“Don’t worry, I’ll nap while you’re in the shower. I’ll be fine.” Remus put his glass down after taking a drink before flopping back onto the bed.

“Love you, caro.” Sirius crossed back to the bathroom, jumping in the shower. When they came back out a few minutes later, Remus was napping. Sirius redressed quietly, and then slipped out of the room, hoping he would feel better by the time Marly and Dorcas arrived.

Thankfully a few minutes later, Remus emerged from the bedroom changed into jeans and the literary punk shirt. His hair was a bit messy and there were lines on his face from the pillow. “That was a bit longer than I meant.” Remus yawned.

Sirius had to smile at his appearance, wanting to bundle him up. “It’s okay. Feel better?”

“Yeah, a little sleepy still but no more headache.” He rubbed his eyes as he sat on the sofa.

“You can nap on the sofa a little more if you like,” Sirius said, putting an arm around their shoulder. They had  _ Bloom _ by Troye Sivan on the record player, but it was quiet enough for him to sleep through if he wanted.

Remus snuggled up against Sirius, head on their shoulder. “Mmm, what time are they coming?”

“Eight, so you’ve an hour or two. They’re bringing food, too.” Sirius stroked his hair, shifting to let him snuggle against them.

“Mmm, I might.” Remus sighed, wrapping his arms around them. “How was your day? You worked late for a Saturday.”

“Yeah, we had a workshop, all day thing. It was wonderful though, I’m feeling that good kind of sore.” Sirius pressed a kiss to the top of his head. “Good day yourself?”

“Yeah, I had a bunch of great groups. Did a little kid’s birthday, that was fun. Then I did some bouldering after to clear my head.” Remus’ voice was tired.

“Sounds good.” Sirius bit their lip. “Did it work?”

“Mmm yeah to a point I guess. I’m very ready for Thursday to get here.” Remus yawned again.

“Mhmm,” Sirius said softly, still stroking Remus’ hair. They were worried about him, and hoped that Poppy would be able to help him sort things out in his head. Things hadn’t been as strained as Thursday night, but they were by no means normal right now. Sirius missed Remus, even though he was right next to them.

“I’m sorry things are weird right now.” Remus spoke softly. “For some reason I’m nervous about… about everything. Not you, you know?”

“It’s okay. I understand, darling.” Sirius kissed his hair again. “Can I do anything to reassure you nothing will go wrong if I can help it?”

“I don’t know.” Remus shook his head. “It’s such a weird… I know you understand and I love our sex life but… the thought makes me so uncomfortable right now.”

Sirius bit their lip. “I get that. It’s okay. I’m not mad at you for not wanting sex… I’m not Fenrir.”

“Right I know.” Remus sat up. “I think I’ll go lay back down in the bed if you wanted to join me.” He rubbed the back of his neck.

“Rem…” Sirius sighed. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

“I know, Sirius, don’t worry. If I nap here, my neck is going to hurt.” Remus shook his head. “If you’re not coming, just wake me before Marly and Dorky get here.”

“I’ll come with you, we can cuddle.” Sirius rubbed a hand through their hair. “If you want me there?”

“No, it’s okay, you can stay out here. Whatever you want.” Remus shrugged as he stood up. “It doesn’t matter either way.”

Sirius bit their lip, sitting back. “Okay. I’ll wake you, then.”

“Okay, you can… if you want….” Remus nodded as he walked towards the bedroom.

Sirius sighed, watching him go as they let their head drop back against the sofa. They hadn’t meant to bring up Fenrir, but it had just slipped out.

“I love you.” Remus called before closing the door behind him.

“Love you too, caro.”

Sirius busied themselves until Marly and Dorcas arrived, listening to records, tidying and playing with Snuffles.

The intercom rang at 8pm exactly. If anything, Marlene was timely. Sirius hopped up and let them in, calling through the intercom. “Hiii! Come up.”

“Coming! Woo! We’ve got curry!” Marly’s shriek cracked over the intercom.

“Yes!” Sirius heard their footsteps up the stairs and opened the door, Snuffles waggling his tail with abandon next to them. “Hi!”

“Hey!” Marlene wrapped her arms around them even with the bag in her hand.

“Hi Sirius. Hi Snuffles.” Dorcas slipped inside, closing the door and bending down to pet the dog. “What a welcome party you are.”

Sirius hugged Marlene back extra tight, feeling like they needed it tonight. “Hello you two.”

“Where’s Remus?” Dorcas asked as she went into the living room as if she was expecting him there.

“He’s napping. I’ll go and wake him?” Sirius said, only just letting Marlene go but keeping their hand on her arm.

“Yeah, we’ll get the food out. Living room good?” Marlene grinned.

“Sounds perfect.” Sirius kissed her cheek, feeling oddly affectionate, before going into the bedroom.

When Sirius opened the door to find Remus sitting on the edge of the bed rubbing his hands over his face. “I’ll be out in a minute.” He cleared his throat.

“Hi, okay. I was just coming to see if you were awake but clearly you are…”

“Yep, heard Marlene’s shriek from — from miles away.” His voice sounded tight.

“Ha… she’s especially loud today.” Sirius hummed, nodding for a moment before going back down the corridor, leaving the door ajar.

“Oh god, this smells amazing. It’s going to get Moony out of bed just from how good it is.” Dorcas laughed as Sirius came to find the coffee table filled with the food and a small stack of plates for them.

Snuffles went down the hallway past Sirius for the bedroom.

“This looks so good you guys, thank you,” Sirius said, sitting on the floor next to the coffee table. “How was work Dorky?”

“Brilliant as always. I got some new clients.” She grabbed a plate.

“Oh nice.” Sirius paused, glancing around. “Drinks?”

“Yes, I got this cider.” Marlene held up a can. “For you.”

“Oh! This is why I love you, darling,” Sirius said, wrapping their arms around her shoulders and planting a kiss on her cheek.

Remus came out at that moment, Snuffles trotting in front of him. “Hi all, sorry.” His eyes were red and a little puffy. “I was a little more tired than I thought.”

“No worries, Remus.” Dorcas offered him a full plate. “Marly bought cider.”

“Ah, I’m going to grab some water. Anyone else want some?” Remus looked around.

“No thanks caro,” Sirius said, drinking their cider. Remus looked off, they didn’t miss his red eyes but they didn’t know how to help him.

The girls also said no so Remus left the plate on the table and Snuffles followed Remus to the kitchen.

Sirius watched him go for a moment before sighing softly, picking up a piece of poppadom and chewing it. They tried to just have fun with everyone, trying to pretend like everything was normal with Remus as they all ate curry and listened to music, chatting and laughing.

Once they had cleared away dinner, Sirius sat in the corner of the sofa with their feet in Marlene’s lap, shifting to tuck one under her thigh. “So…” Sirius said, glancing to Remus as if to say  _ now? _

Remus took a sip of the beer he ended up getting. “Marly, we wanted to ask you something.”

Marlene paused mid-sip of cider. “Right?”

Sirius scrubbed a hand through their hair. “We—er, we wanted to know if you would like—we would be honoured, if you would officiate our weddin—“

“OH MY GOD! I WOULD BE HONORED! OH! SIRIUS! REMUS!” She basically yelled but she had tears in her eyes.

“We’d love you to do it.”

“Of course I will!” She sniffled.

“You will?” Sirius pitched forward and threw their arms around her shoulders. “We want our friends to be involved, everyone, it’s just us!”

“I can’t wait! Oh my god!” She hugged Sirius tight.

“It’s going to be fun.” Dorcas looked to Remus.

“Yeah, sure will be.”

Sirius couldn’t help the frown that flickered over their face for a half-second at Remus’ words. He couldn’t think of anything better to say than that?

“I’ll be good, I won’t ruin it.” Marlene was still hugging Sirius.

“Hey, Lupin, I heard you got brownies.” Dorcas nudged him.

“Yeah.” Remus stood up. “I’m happy you’re doing this for us, Marly.”

“I’m so excited, Moony!”

Remus smiled then went off to the kitchen.

Sirius watched him go again, sighing. They didn’t know how to help him, whether he wanted them here, what he wanted from them, if anything.

By the time Remus came out with three brownies and a cookie, the table was cleared of food and scrabble was ready to be played. Sirius felt like there were warning signs in their mind at Remus eating one of Hope’s cookies when he was feeling like this. They didn’t know how to help him, he said himself he didn’t know what he wanted from them right now and that was…  _ concerning. _

“Right!” Marlene said, dishing out scrabble tiles. “I feel like we need house rules here, else we’re gonna end up with some weird specialist words.”

“Surely that’s the point, we have dance terms, those two have climbing and anatomy terms,” Sirius said, managing a smile.

“I think if one of us didn’t have the terms then it would be a disadvantage, but it’s fine.” Remus shrugged taking a bite of the cookie.

Marlene handed Sirius the last brownie, which they took a bite of. Maybe getting high would help both of them figure this out. “Okay, game on, then.”

Scrabble, as to be expected, was vicious and full of ridiculous and hotly contended words. What was unexpected though was the fact that Marly, when high, was chilled out in a way Sirius never expected. She was curled up in the corner of the sofa, very lazily sliding her letter tiles onto the board with a big smile on her face. Even Dorcas seemed surprised by her demeanour. 

In the early hours of the morning, Dorcas eventually managed to pour Marlene from the sofa and Sirius and Remus saw them to the door. Remus had been chatting all night, but there was something slightly off about him, a strange look in his eyes. Sirius didn’t know what to do. They let the front door swing shut as Dorcas and Marly went out of sight, sighing softly.

“Marlene’s so…” Remus trailed off as he walked into the living room.

Sirius bit their lip. “She’s so excited to officiate for us,” they said softly, following Remus to the living room.

“Yeah, but I was thinking she’s so fucking quiet while high. She needs to be high more often.” He collapsed onto the sofa.

“Oh, ha…” Sirius leaned against the arm of the sofa. “She’s weirdly chill, isn’t she?”

“So weird.” Remus looked over at Sirius. “Why won’t you come close to me?”

“I…” Sirius sighed, their shoulders slumping. “I don’t know where I stand with you right now, Rem.”

Remus put his hands over his face. “You’re supposed to stand right here with me. I know we’re not having sex but… you can’t just… I’m not…” Remus let out a sob.

“Shit.” Sirius crossed to him, putting their arms around his shoulders. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry Rem. I don’t—it doesn’t matter about sex, I just— I’m trying to get to you and you feel so far away.”

“Then come to me, don’t just let me… let me do this again. I was crying when you came into the bedroom and you walked away. You snuggled up with Marlene all night. I — I don’t want you to not be affectionate.”

“I keep trying to cuddle up to you,” Sirius said softly, kissing the top of his head, “and you kept moving away. So I stopped. I can’t tell what you need from me right now… I don’t feel like it’s  _ anything. _ ”

“Then maybe it’s nothing.” Remus shook his head and stood up. “We shouldn’t talk about this now anyway.”

Sirius nearly lost their balance as he stood up, stepping back to catch themselves, and it was a reminder they were both quite high right now. “I want to talk,” they said, despite the fact. “We haven’t talked.”

“We talked yesterday at the carnival and I thought that it was okay. We cuddled and came home and cuddled. Now I don’t understand what happened again. You said that you can’t tell what I need and maybe it is nothing. Maybe I don’t need anything right now and I’m making myself think I do.”

Sirius’ stomach dropped. “Then… then what the fuck am I meant to do? If you don’t need anything, if you don’t need me?”

Remus shook his head and shrugged. “I don’t know.” He paused. “I just wanted you to hold me and… I guess, maybe I don’t.”

“Don’t… don’t go.” Sirius closed the gap between them and put their hands on his arms. “Don’t… I feel like you’re going to leave. Please don’t. Let’s just—let’s just go and cuddle.”

Remus shook his head, tears in his eyes. “I don’t think I want that.”

Sirius bit their lip. “Please.” They gripped his arms tighter, stepping closer. “I’m sorry, Remus, I’m sorry.”

“Why didn’t you do it earlier? I needed you earlier and you didn’t…” Remus shook his head. “I’m sorry I’m a stubborn bastard, but I thought you said you’d push back. You haven’t been.”

“I didn’t want to upset you, I thought — ” Sirius bit their lip, tears gathering in their eyes— “I thought you’d say. If you’d have said,  _ Sirius stay _ , then I would’ve, in a heartbeat. I didn’t know, I didn’t realise… I—I was upset, because it felt like you didn’t want me around.”  _ Now I know that’s true _ , Sirius nearly said, trailing off instead.

“But I did!” Remus yelled, as if everything had bubbled up inside of him.

Sirius flinched, dropping their hands from his arms like they’d been burned. They shook their head, trying to make their voice come out firm but it was shaky. “I didn’t know that! I didn’t know what you wanted, Remus. You have to tell me, I can’t read your mind. I don’t  _ know _ .”

“I thought we did that yesterday.” Remus ran a hand over his face. “I thought it was okay.”

“How am I meant to know what you felt yesterday was the same as today? Everything changes so quickly with us. We don’t do that with  _ anything _ else. I don’t assume your sexual attraction is the same every day, you don’t assume my gender is the same every day so how am I meant to know, Remus?” Sirius wiped at the tears under their eyes. “How am I meant to know?”

“I don’t know, you usually know though.” Remus sniffled, looking away. “I can’t remember the last time you  _ asked _ me. This isn’t even sex. This is the daily affection you give me no matter what.”

“That you’ve been flinching away from,” Sirius said. They didn’t know how to get this across to Remus. It felt like they wanted to just plant their memories his brain. “I wrapped my arms around you the other day in the kitchen, just to cuddle, and you moved away. You don’t realise.” Sirius felt like they’d had this exact conversation before, before Germany, all that time ago, when Remus didn’t realise, but this felt worse. It was worse.

“That was right after I talked to Poppy, I really was just… I’m sorry. I know and I did it twice in the kitchen. I did it in bed. I tried not to do it yesterday and I don’t think I did. I’m…”

“But you wanted to, you had to tell yourself not to.” Sirius sniffed, rubbing a hand through their hair. “And I just see this from the outside, I see you pushing me away and it feels like you don’t want me and all I need is for you to say  _ Sirius I don’t want to cuddle right now _ , or  _ Sirius come here _ , and I  _ will _ but I can’t keep guessing! I get whiplash keeping up with you, Remus. I don’t know what you want and I want to be able to tell but I just  _ can’t _ .” 

“I don’t know what I want.” He covered his face. “I don’t know and it hurts and I can’t figure it out.”

Sirius bit their lip, closing the gap between them again and grasping Remus’ forearms. “Let’s go to bed. Please.”

“I need water and… I think I’m going to take a shower. I feel…” Remus shook his head.

“I…”  _ I don’t want to be alone _ . But it wasn’t about what Sirius wanted, was it? Sirius sighed, still holding his arms. “Let me sit with you then. I don’t… don’t go away, Remus, please.”

“I think I’d rather be alone, I’m not going anywhere though.” Remus frowned.

Sirius’ heart clenched. They let go of him and took a step back. Well, they’d wanted him to say what he wanted and there it was. “Okay,” they said softly, nodding. “Okay.”

“Thank you.” Remus stepped away. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” Sirius took a deep breath, stepping away too. “Thank you for telling me,” they murmured, before going to try and busy themselves with the record player.

“If you need to… you can, you can sit with me.”

Sirius shook their head, not turning around from the record player, trying not to cry. “It’s okay. I don’t mind.”

“But you do.” Remus practically whispered then went down the hall.  
  
Sirius stayed still, not even daring to breathe until they heard the click of the bathroom door.  _ Shit _ .


	13. Chapter 13

Remus’ head was spinning. He shouldn’t have had the fucking cookie. He shouldn’t have yelled at Sirius. He should have just let them come in the bathroom to begin with when they asked. They seemed to think that he was just going to leave them. Why was this all so fucked up? Wasn’t therapy supposed to help him not hurt him? Fuck.

He scrubbed his hair then stood under the spray, almost wishing that Sirius would walk in no matter how much he wanted to be alone, he didn’t want Sirius to feel how ever they were feeling right now. It wasn’t fair that he was treating them this way. Remus didn’t know how to stop it though. He was in knots all the time. Well, not yesterday at the carnival, he had so much fun. They were doing so well. Why’d it have to get so messed up again?

After stepping out of the shower, Remus tied the towel around his waist and went to change in the bedroom. Sirius wasn’t in the bedroom, so Remus changed quickly. He couldn’t go to sleep alone, that wasn’t going to happen. No matter what, this couldn’t drive them apart like this.

To his surprise, Sirius was still standing by the record player, standing nearly how he left them. “Sirius.” Remus stood by the sofa.

“Trying to find something to listen to,” Sirius said softly, not turning around.

“It’s nearly three in the morning, let’s go to bed.” Remus closed his eyes.

Sirius nodded, lifting the needle from the record currently playing. After a moment they turned around, patted Snuffles, who was curled up on his bed, on the head, then crossed over towards Remus.

Remus reached out and pulled them against him. “Please.”

Sirius made a soft noise of surprise, their arms going around his waist. They bit their lip, nodding. “Don’t go away from me. Please.”

“Why do you think I’m going away?” Remus asked, tears in his eyes again.

“It feels like you’re leaving. I… I don’t want to have to cancel everything for the wedding.”

Remus heart broke in his chest. “Why… why would I leave you?”

Sirius shook their head, biting their lip. “Because I can’t give you what you want, what you need.”

“Of course you can. I can’t… it’s my fault.”

“Let’s go to bed…” Sirius pulled back, tugging Remus with them. “Just be here when I wake up.”

“I’m not going anywhere.” Remus shook his head as he followed them to their room.

Sirius kicked their jeans off once they crossed the bedroom threshold, still half trying to hold onto Remus’ arm like they were worried he would disappear.

“Sirius, let go, I’m not going to disappear. I’m right here.” Remus looked down at their hand wrapped around his elbow.

“Okay,” Sirius whispered after a moment, letting go of his arm to pull off the rest of their clothes. They pulled on their pyjama top, which was Remus’ old t-shirt.

Remus got into bed as Sirius changed, nestling under the blankets with a sigh. “I like you in my clothes.” He spoke softly.

Sirius rubbed their hand over the neckline of the shirt. “Me too,” they murmured, climbing into bed.

Remus rolled closer to the wall, unsure of what to do with himself. He just wanted to close his eyes and drift off to sleep and have everything back to normal in the morning.

There was silence for a moment, before Sirius whispered, “Can we cuddle?”

“Yeah.” Remus moved away from the wall and held his arms open. Immediately, Sirius cuddled into him, curled up against his side with their head on his chest. “I love you, my pearl.”

Sirius sniffed. “I love you.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry too.”

“I don’t know what to do.” Remus closed his eyes.

“Me neither.” Sirius hummed. “Text… text Poppy in the morning… please?”

Remus frowned. “Why?”

“She might be able to get you in on Monday… Get us in if you like… I feel like it would help.”

“Okay.” Remus nodded. “I’ll do that.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Remus drifted off to sleep. In the morning he woke up with a start to find the bed empty. Remembering the night before, panic twisted in his chest. Sirius didn’t want him to leave then why would they leave? “Sirius?” He called.

He heard footsteps down the hallway, then Sirius appeared in the doorway, still in Remus’ shirt. “Here, I, I was just getting a drink.”

“Oh, sorry.” Remus flopped back into bed. “Jesus.”

“Sorry, Christ, I’m out of bed for thirty seconds and you wake up,” Sirius said, crossing over to the bed and sitting on the edge.

“I’m… fuck, I feel like such an arsehole. I’m sorry about last night.”

Sirius turned, tucking their legs up onto the bed. “Me too… How are you feeling?”

“Like shit emotionally. You know I’m not leaving you, right? That’s the last thing on my mind. God, I think you’ll leave me first for being a fucking closed book. I’m doing the same shit we argued about before.”

Sirius shook their head. “I’m not leaving you—don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“So, I can text Poppy? That’s okay?” Remus tucked his arm under his pillow, rolling on to the side to look at Sirius. He was still exhausted.

“Please, I think it’ll help…” Sirius pulled their knees against their chest, wrapping their arms around their calves. “We can… I don’t know, if it would help for me to be there, I can be there.”

“Yeah, I think it might help.” Remus nodded. “Maybe she can help us both together understand how to deal with this.”

Sirius nodded, watching Remus for a moment before snagging his phone from the windowsill and holding it out to him.

“Thanks.” He took the phone. “What do I say?”

“Just, you want to know if she has any appointments earlier than Thursday because you need to talk to her, maybe on Monday.” Sirius bit their lip, watching him.

He nodded, fingers shaking a bit as he typed out the message then hit send. “Okay.” He handed Sirius his phone.

Sirius glanced at the phone before setting it down. They looked back to Remus, resting their chin on their knees. “I love you. I’m sorry.”

“I love you too. I’m sorry too. Come here and cuddle, please?”

“Okay,” they said softly, crawling over and cuddling against Remus’ side. “I love you.”

“I’m not going anywhere.” Remus kissed their cheek, pulling them close. “I can’t imagine life without you. When you talked about canceling our wedding last night I… I didn’t know what to do.”

“I keep thinking I’ll wake up and you won’t be here.” Sirius pressed their face into his neck, sighing softly.

“Why?” Remus didn’t understand. “How can I make that stop?”

“I don’t know. I feel like you’ll think it’s too much hard work after a certain point… like, I’m... I don’t know, I don’t deserve you, I’m trying hard to help and understand and I keep getting it wrong.”

“I’m the one that’s getting it wrong, Sirius, not you. I know it’s hard work, being in a relationship and I want to put the work in. I’m just a stubborn bastard sometimes and it hurts both of us.” Remus played with their hair.

Sirius sighed softly, pressing their mouth against his jaw, not quite a kiss. “I want to put the work in too. I don’t want to be without you.”

“I don’t want to be without you either. Don’t ever say you don’t deserve me again.” Remus gave them a little squeeze. “That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve heard and I’ve said some daft shit.”

“Yeah.” Sirius chuckled. “Can I have a quick kiss?”

“Please. I miss your kisses.” Remus smiled, leaning forward a little.

Sirius leaned up, cupping Remus’ cheek as they gently kissed him. They pulled away after a moment, lingering close.

“Mmm, I want your kisses. I just… I don’t know what else aside from cuddling right now. Okay?” Remus nuzzled their neck.

“Yes,” Sirius whispered instantly, kissing his cheek. “I missed your kisses.”

“This threw me through a loop that I didn’t expect. I thought I’d be okay after a few days.” Remus took a deep breath.

“Yeah… it’s—it’s understandable.” Sirius sighed softly. “Your view on the past few years has all changed…”

“He raped me,” Remus said out loud for the first time. “And I—I just never…”

Sirius shook their head, wrapping their arms around his shoulders. “I’m sorry, caro, I’m so sorry.”

“All those times I said no…” Remus felt sick to his stomach. “I just… I don’t know.”

“It’s not okay, and you’re right to be upset because he did that to you.” Sirius sniffed, rubbing their thumb over his cheekbone. “I’m so sorry.”

“I really thought I could be okay with it after we talked about it Thursday then I just kept remembering it and pushing you away because I’m just… I don’t want to be… vulnerable.”

Sirius made a soft little noise, shaking their head. “You’re allowed to remember it, of course you’re going to remember everything… but,” they said, biting their lip, “you can be vulnerable with me. Whatever you want.”

Remus closed his eyes again. “I know I can do all these things with you, but sometimes I’m so anxious to talk about it, I don’t know. Also, I keep thinking about how angry I got with you about talking about your past and yet…”

“That’s okay. We’re different people, we deal with things in different ways. Like… my childhood happened over ten years ago and I told no one. Fenrir was two years ago. It’s all different.”

“Yeah, I mean, I guess I did tell you. I just wasn’t using the right terms.” Remus rubbed their back.

“And now we can use the right terms, if you want. If it makes you feel better you can call it whenever you like around me.” Sirius trailed their fingers over his cheekbone.

“I want to call it what it is. Rape.” Remus figured it would be better to use the term than to bury it. Poppy had a point, call it what it was to deal with it.

“Okay,” Sirius said softly. “Okay.”

“Will you come with me to see Poppy tomorrow?” Remus thought it would be the best thing for them to do.

“Of course.”

They spent Sunday mostly in bed relaxing and cuddling while watching movies. They changed plans with their mothers for to do the food menu the next weekend. Remus called out of work the next day because he wasn’t sure if he couldn’t manage even if he didn’t see Poppy. Thankfully, Poppy could see them first thing in the morning so Sirius only had to get one of their classes covered for the day.

So, Monday morning they got coffee and headed over to see Poppy together. “Hi you two.” She smiled as they came into the office.

“Hi, Poppy, thanks for fitting us in.” Remus took a seat on the sofa.

“Hi Poppy,” Sirius said, sitting next to him, wedging their hands under their thighs.

“It’s no problem, that’s what I’m here for, isn’t it?” Poppy smiled kindly at Remus. “So… how are we?”

“I, ah, I’m sort of having a hard time with… everything.” Remus waved a hand. “Like we reframed my last relationship and I was so thrown through a loop. I snapped at Sirius on Thursday about tea then I was pushing them away. I thought we talked and figured it out Friday but… then Saturday I…”

Poppy stayed quiet for a moment, waiting for the story to finish.

“We had a big argument,” Sirius said, taking over. “I… I was feeling hurt Remus wasn’t being as affectionate as usual, you know what I’m like, and I took that as Remus not wanting me around and there was the big wedge between us…”

“I shouted at them and I couldn’t understand why they didn’t understand what I wanted because it always feels like they know, especially sexually. Like what we’re talking about is regular affection and I was pushing away but Sirius said they didn’t want to over step.”

“Of course, and that physical affection is different to any sexual relationship, for both of you, right?” Poppy looked between them both.

“Right.” Remus nodded. “No matter how I feel on the scale, I’m fine with at least a peck on the cheek or the lips and a cuddle or a hand hold.”

Sirius nodded. “Yeah, that’s the same.”

“And you’ve been repulsed by that too, since Thursday, you think?”

Remus bit his cheek. “Off and on, yeah, I think. Like… I know Sirius isn’t trying to get anywhere but I’m worried about it going somewhere. My brain won’t stop.”

“You’re worried Sirius will translate that affection into attraction and want sex?” Poppy’s voice was very light and soft. Sirius shifted in their seat but didn’t say anything.

“Yeah.” Remus frowned. “I don’t get why though.”

“Can you pinpoint anything that we talked about on Thursday that might be playing on your mind, especially in those kind of moments?”

Remus furrowed his brow. “I don’t know, I guess in the kitchen… one time he—Fenrir came home from work when I was making dinner and wanted to… have sex and I didn’t and wouldn’t leave me be while cooking.”

Sirius squirmed in their seat and Poppy glanced to them before looking back to Remus. “Did Sirius do something similar the other day?”

“No—I…” Sirius bit their lip, sitting back.

“Well, they wrapped their arms around me a couple of times and I know it was just in affection but it was just after talking to you…”

“So everything was fresh in your mind, perhaps?”

“Yeah.” Remus nodded. “Why does it matter if Sirius does what they always do? I know they’re not going to force me to do anything I don’t want.”

“Of course.” Poppy smiled reassuringly. “But memories can evoke lots of emotions, unexpected ones too.” She looked to Sirius for a moment. “You understand that, don’t you?”

Sirius opened their mouth then closed it again, nodding.

“I don’t want to keep arguing with Sirius though if something comes up.” Remus rubbed the back of his neck.

“Of course not, and both of you laying things out like this will help, I’m sure.”

“So how… so if I push away from like some type of affection, I’m going to shut down. I know I will. How am I supposed to…”

“I think,” Sirius said softly, biting their lip. “I’m… I’m worried about forcing myself on you when you don’t want affection, so even though you want me to push back, I don’t want to push, sometimes.”

Poppy looked back at Remus.

“I don’t know what to do.”

“Remus, if you’re feeling uncomfortable with the affection, say it, don’t just push Sirius away. Sirius, if he pushes you away, ask what’s going on. Communication is important.” She looked between them both.

Sirius nodded, chewing their lip. “Okay.”

“Yeah.” Remus agreed.


	14. Chapter 14

Sirius stepped out of Poppy’s office, grateful for the fresh air. It was strange to sit in there with Remus, listening to him speak about everything as if they weren’t there. But it was good to hear, too. Poppy told them to communicate more, and be honest with how they were feeling to each other. Sirius decided they would try to be much better about voicing their opinions to Remus, even if it might upset Remus at first, being honest would be better.

They shoved their hands in their hoodie pocket and glanced sideways at Remus. “Want to get coffee, or something?”

“Yeah, but don’t you have classes today?” Remus frowned a little.

Sirius shrugged. “Marly’s sorting out cover for me. I text her earlier.”

“Okay, yeah, let’s get coffee. Does the café with the waffles do breakfast stuff?”

Oh, their first date café. Sirius smiled softly, they couldn’t quite remember the menu because they and Remus always went for the same things every time. “I dunno… let’s go find out?”

“Yeah, let’s see. I’m sure we can find somewhere else if not.” Remus took out his phone.

“It’s just round the corner, let’s just go look, Rem,” Sirius said, holding a hand out for Remus to take, if he wanted to. “I don’t mind the walk.”

“Okay.” He put his phone back in his pocket then took Sirius’ hand. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Sirius said, squeezing his hand as they started to walk towards the café. “Are you?”

Remus nodded. “Yeah, it felt helpful to talk to Poppy. Thank you for suggesting it.”

“Good, I’m glad.” Sirius let out a breath. They were glad Remus wanted to fix this, and kept telling themselves he wouldn’t want to leave. It definitely felt like he wanted to stay, and Sirius wanted to keep it that way. They wanted to understand why he was feeling like this, and be as understanding and helpful as possible, but it was hard when they felt like they weren’t able to help, especially when the affection between them disappeared.

“Do you like what Poppy said, about making the list?” Remus glanced over at them.

Poppy had told them to make a list together of the things Remus was comfortable with right now, and the things he was less sure of. Sirius agreed it was a good idea but they were nervous to sit down and actually make it, because it felt like writing everything out like that would just highlight how painful everything felt right now. “Yeah. I think it’s a good idea… and we can update it if and when things change.”

“Yeah, that way you know, right?” Remus smiled softly at them as they turned down the street to the café.

“Right,” Sirius agreed, wishing they were a mind reader instead, for the millionth time.

“I’m sorry I close off like this. I don’t…” Remus shook his head. “I’ll try harder.”

“It’s okay. Poppy said we need to talk instead of pushing though, right?” Sirius glanced at their joined hands.

“Right.” Remus leaned into them a little, bumping their shoulders.

Sirius smiled, nudging him back before stepping up to open the door to the café. It looked fairly busy, and that boded well for breakfast foods perhaps.

“Oh good, it’s open. It’s nice out, should we sit outside?” Remus brought their joined hands up and kissed the back of Sirius’ hand.

“Outside sounds good. No fairy lights this early, though, hm?”

“No, but that’s okay. Sunny weather is just as good.” They went inside the café.

They ordered waffles for breakfast, minus the ice cream this time though, and ended up sitting outside with coffee. Sirius cupped their hands around their mug. They didn’t feel like they knew where to start right now. They were getting married in six weeks and this all felt so important.

“Okay, so, the list. I’ll make it on my phone and share it with you? I mean, we’ll talk about it right now too?” Remus offered as he took out his phone.

“Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.” Sirius dug out their own phone too, biting their lip.

Remus typed away then smiled over at Sirius. “Okay, I shared it. Let’s start with the things I’m okay with.”

Sirius shot him a smile, opening up the notification. “Right. I’m letting you lead here, Rem, I don’t know what you want.”

“Ah, holding hands, obviously.” He typed. “Kissing on the lips and cheek.”

“Yeah…” Sirius swallowed. “Most of the time."

Remus frowned and looked up. “No, I’m okay with it.”

Sirius glanced away out to the courtyard. “Okay.”

“Sirius, tell me, don’t just brush it off.”

“Sometimes you’re not okay with kisses on the lips, as far as I can tell. Sometimes you turn away a little and I notice. But if it’s something you want to keep doing then, that’s fine.”

“I don’t want to turn away.” Remus shook his head.

“I know that. But you do, sometimes. But if you want to put kissing on the lips on the list then I’ll keep kissing you.”  _ And try not to flinch when you turn away. _

“Okay, just the cheek then.” Remus deleted the lips part. “Cuddling.”

Sirius watched  _ on the lips _ disappear from the list and felt like they wanted to scream. How had they gone from being so in tune and in sync and playing around in the bedroom and Remus discovering he was a Dom, to  _ this _ . “Right.”

“I feel like you don’t like this.” Remus set the phone down.

“No,” Sirius said softly. “I feel like you’re disappearing.”

“I’m not, I’m trying.”

“But now I can’t even  _ kiss _ you?” Sirius’ voice broke a little, gesturing with their phone. They closed their eyes, letting out a breath to try not to cry.

“Sirius, do you want to do this? If you don’t then we won’t. I’ll shut my phone off and we can just… just go on with our day. This doesn’t feel like it’s helpful.”

“No, we should, shouldn’t we? Because now I know I can’t kiss you and otherwise I would’ve just done it and upset you even more…” Sirius set their phone down with a bit of a clatter, putting their hand over their eyes.

“If you don’t want to be with me, it’s fine. I understand.” Remus’ voice was quiet. “This grey-ace shit on top of the Fenrir bullshite. It’s a lot and I’m not going to be able to give you what you want now.”

“No!” Sirius dropped their hand from their eyes, accidentally smacking it on the edge of the table. “Ah, fuck, no — no, Remus, I don’t want that! I want to be with you, I bloody love you and I want to make sure you know that by being ridiculously affectionate like I usually am and I feel like I can’t do that without — without reminding you of Fenrir right now and I  _ hate _ that.”

“What if it’s always like this? I can’t do this to you. It’s not fair to make you feel like this because of my own crap.” Remus’ hands held onto the edge of the table.

Sirius’ heart clenched. “You think it’ll always be like this? You think every time I put my arms around you in our kitchen you’ll think of that bastard?” They didn’t want to lose him, they couldn’t.

“I don’t know. All I know is that it’s not fair to you. So, if you want to leave you can because I can’t stand to think of you not being able to be  _ you _ because I’m stuck in my head.”

“It’s not fair on me to leave you, either! I don’t want to leave, I want you here with me, I want to get  _ married _ , Remus. I want you.”

“So, you’ll marry me even if you never get to kiss me again or wrap your arms around me in the kitchen?” Remus shook his head then was quiet as their waffles were set in front of them.

Sirius looked away again as the waitress walked off. They weren’t hungry all of a sudden. They didn’t know how to answer that question. They loved Remus, they really did, and not for the sex, but affection had been part of their relationship since day one, all the little touches and such. They weren’t quite sure how it would work without everything like that. But they loved Remus, and that was important too. “Would you be happy with that?” They said after a moment, eyes flickering to him then back away again.

“No because you’d be so unhappy.” Remus took a sip of his coffee.

“But you wouldn’t be? Like, you, yourself, in your head, would be happy with us just… co-existing?”

Remus shook his head. “I don’t think so because we wouldn’t be us. That wouldn’t be what our relationship has been built on would it?”

“Is that what’s happening, though? With your list and all these parameters and I never get to kiss you again. I love kissing you.” Sirius sniffed, looking at Remus properly. They couldn’t imagine never getting to kiss him again.

“I don’t know, honestly, what if that happened? You’d be so unhappy.” Remus rubbed his face.

“Yeah, because sometimes the thought of coming home and cuddling up with you and giving you a kiss is what gets me through the day, Rem.” Sirius shook their head; how was this happening?

“You can cuddle me. I — I want you to kiss me too, but what happens if it never happens? You’re going to resent me.” Remus took another sip of his coffee.

“But you don’t. It’s not on the list, Remus, so I don’t do it,” Sirius said, gesturing to their phone. They sniffed, tears gathering in their eyes. “You took it off the list.”

“I took it off because it felt like you wanted me to take it off.” Remus shot back.

“Why would I want you to take it off?” Sirius was fighting to keep their voice low. “Why the fuck would I not want to kiss you? I said that  _ sometimes _ you didn’t seem like you wanted a kiss and you were happy to just… just give it up and let that go.”

“I’m not happy though. I did it because you were annoyed that sometimes I don’t want it so I took it off to make it easier.” Remus shook his head. “This is fucked up.”

“I wasn’t annoyed! I was just pointing it out because you don’t realise sometimes! You don’t realise when you push me away and so I was telling you and now look where it’s gotten us.”

“I’ll put it back on the list because I do want it.” Remus picked up his phone.

Sirius sniffed, wiping their eyes. “Yeah.”

“Do you really want to do this?” He typed on his phone. “If you don’t, I get it.”

“If it helps, we can do the list,” Sirius say blithely; they just felt tired. There was something they hated about laying everything out like this, to see how broken it felt right now. They wanted to go back to them both fitting together so well and understanding what each other needed. Selfishly, they wanted Remus to have never gone to therapy and never figured this all out, just so they could fix this all. They wanted Fenrir to have never existed so they could just have Remus.

“Maybe we’ll try again later.” Remus set his phone back down. “I’m sorry I’m — I’m broken and this isn’t your fault or anyone else's but my own.”

“You’re not broken!” Sirius practically  _ shouted _ , surprising themselves. “You’re not — you’re not fucking broken, Remus, don’t you dare say that.”

“If I wasn’t then this would all be okay. We’d be back to normal.” He put a hand over his face.

“You’re not fucking broken. You’re not. This  _ shit _ happened to you but it didn’t break you, you’re not broken.” Sirius’ voice was shaking a little. “You’re not fucking broken. The Remus I know isn’t broken and he would be  _ mad _ at anyone saying that. You were mad when Lockhart called me broken, weren’t you? It’s the same. You’re not broken.”

“Well, I feel completely shattered apart.” Remus shook his head. “And it’s ruining everything with us.”

Sirius didn’t know what to say to that. They bit their lip, looking back out over the courtyard. They couldn’t disagree that things felt ruined between them, and they felt shattered apart too.

“I’ll spend the day with my mam, okay? Give you some time.” Remus ran a hand through his curls.

_ For what? _ Sirius wanted to say.  _ I just want you back _ . But they didn’t know what else to say instead. “Okay.”

“I’ll text you later.” Remus stood up, leaving his untouched waffle.

Sirius blinked a few times, nodding. “Okay.”

Remus gave a nod then left, not looking back once.

Sirius pressed their hands over their face, trying not to just sob in public. After a few moments, when the waitress walked past to another table, they managed to straighten up, pulling open their phone. The notes app was open and Sirius closed it quickly without even looking at the short list they had managed to compile.

Without bothering to even try and eat any of their own waffle, Sirius stood up and weaved back through the tables, sniffing back more tears. They retraced their steps back to Poppy’s office. Fat lot of good her list did. It only made things worse. Sirius kept thinking about how they were only allowed to do the things on the list when all they wanted to do was grab Remus and snog him senseless and say  _ I love you, you fucking fool. _

At the reception to the building, the woman behind the desk recognised Sirius from an hour or so ago. “Sirius, hello, everything alright?”

Sirius shook their head. “Is Poppy free?”

“Sirius?” Poppy’s head poked out from her office. “What’s wrong?”

“Your bloody list didn’t work,” Sirius said, gesturing with their phone as fresh tears gathered in their eyes. 

“Come here,” She said gesturing them inside.

Sirius went into the room but didn’t sit down, standing awkwardly by the sofa. They didn’t want to sit down right now. “It only made everything worse and now he’s  _ left _ .”

“Sirius, explain from the beginning. You started to make the list then what happened?”

“He put kissing on the okay list, and I said  _ not all the time _ because he moves away from me sometimes. So then he just took kissing off the list and I… I got really upset because I feel like I can’t kiss him now and how is that meant to work?” Sirius threw their hand up, definitely not crying again.

“Did he say that he never wanted to kiss you?” She took a seat in her usual chair.

“He said he  _ wants _ to, but he still flinches away sometimes, and that he’s trying. But then he started talking about how if this was too much then I could leave, and how he understood that it was shitty for us both and that he was--he was broken,” Sirius said in a big rush, their voice breaking on the last word.

“When he flinches away, what do you do?”

“Back off. Because I’m not… I’m not Fenrir.”

“Of course you’re not. But on top of backing off, you could ask what’s wrong.”

Sirius frowned. “I know what’s wrong — he doesn’t want to kiss me. He’s not in the mood or his scale isn’t that way or…”

“When did he start doing that though, the flinching away? Was it always there?”

“No… since Fenrir, I think. Even when he’s really sex-repulsed he’s affectionate… or was, I guess,” Sirius said morosely, rubbing a hand over their face.

“Sirius, you’ve said two different things. You said that you know that he doesn’t want to kiss you because of his mood or the scale but you said even when he’s sex-repulsed, he’s affectionate.” Poppy pointed out.

Sirius opened their mouth then closed it again. “I… I don’t know. I’m so used to kissing him and… maybe I just assumed he’s flinching away because of his mood because that’s what it is with other things…” But even then, Sirius knew that was wrong. If Remus wasn’t interested in sex, usually he just said so. This felt different, maybe it was just that Sirius didn’t know how to fix this. “I fucked up…”

“How?” She leaned forward with a pinched brow.

“I don’t know, I can’t fix it. I just… I just buried my head in the sand like I always do because I didn’t know what to say to him because what  _ do _ I say when he’s coming to the realisation that his ex raped him, what am I meant to say to that? I can’t… I can’t help him and I just tried to carry on like normal and that  _ clearly _ didn’t work. I’m just doing what I always do and carrying on like normal because my brain is fucked and I’m freaking out about being abandoned like I always do.”

“When you see him being uncomfortable, ask him what’s wrong. If he flinches away, ask him what’s wrong. This isn’t your fault Sirius, and you’re placing it on yourself. You need to be there by asking him what he’s thinking. Hold him when he wants you to kiss him. Help him through just by being there. What does he do for you when you’re processing?”

Sirius swallowed. “Cuddles me? I… I don’t know. He’s just there.”

“Then just be there.” Poppy spoke softly. “I have another appointment in 2 minutes. Is there anyone you can call to be with you? You can ask Hannah if there’s a spot open tomorrow for you to come in and talk some more, okay?”

“Yeah.” Sirius nodded, biting their lip. “I’m sorry for interrupting.”

“No, don’t be sorry, I’m here for a reason.” She shook her head. “If I don’t have time tomorrow, text me if you need anything.”

“I will.” Sirius gestured with their phone. “Thank you.”

“Good, try to have a better day.”

Sirius nodded, unlocking their phone as they walked out of the room, texting Lily. They didn’t know why, but they just felt like Lily would help right nw.

_ Hi, Lils. You free? _


	15. Chapter 15

Remus walked out of the courtyard, feeling as if it was all over. Sirius was fed up with Remus’ feelings and was so caught up on the kissing part. There was no way that they would be happy if Remus couldn’t get over how he was feeling. He really didn’t think he was flinching away from kissing. They were kissing just fine the other day. Remus thought the whole list thing would work out. He thought they could add on to the ‘okay’ part when he felt ready to do more. He loved the idea. Sirius seemed to hate it.

There was no reason to sit and have the same argument with Sirius over and over again. If Sirius didn’t want to be with him, then he was going to have to figure it out. It wasn’t fair to Sirius if Remus didn’t want to have sex or be intimate again. It was better if Sirius left now before they got married and they realized this was the rest of his life. He was bad enough with all his grey-ace shite, now he had to process his relationship with Fenrir. Everyone else got annoyed with him and his stupid scale in the past, now it was worse. It’s surprising that Sirius made it this far.

He walked all the way across town to his mam’s shop. He was happy it was a Monday morning, and things were quiet. He took a deep breath because the place smelt like home. There were fresh plants everywhere and Remus wondered for the first time in his life if the crystals that were for sale would actually help him. “Mam? Are you here? Or is Mare in?”

Hope appeared from behind a beaded curtain at the back of the shop, looking surprised to see him. “Oh, hello dear!” She skirted around the multi-coloured bureau they were using as a cash desk and came over to hug him. “How are you? Sirius not with you?”

“I think… I think it’s over.” He got out before he burst into tears.

“Oh, Remus,” his mam said, hugging him tightly. “What happened? Do you want to talk about it? Come on, through the back room…”

“Yeah, yeah…” He followed her back behind the bead curtains, batting a little at the stupid things. “I told you about seeing Poppy and the Fenrir thing…”

“Right.” Hope set Remus on a little sofa in the back room, pulling a stool up to sit in front of him, looking very concerned.

“I’ve been… it’s been hard to be affectionate and I’ve been sort of snapping at Sirius and… I don’t know I pushed them away a bit but it didn’t feel like they were pushing back. And, ah, we had this big fight Saturday night and decided to go see Poppy together today.” He sniffled, wiping his cheeks. “She suggested we make a list of what I’m comfortable with affection wise and somehow we got into an argument about kisses.”

“Oh my dear,” Hope said softly, putting her hands on his knees.

“I don’t know… We talked about what if I feel this way forever, if they’d be happy and I know they wouldn't be, so I told them they could leave if they wanted.” Remus practically choked on his words.

“Oh but you would both be miserable, wouldn’t you?” Hope shifted to sit next to him on the sofa, putting her arm around his shoulders and hugging him tightly.

“But if they stayed, we’d be more miserable. Wouldn’t it be better to just end it?”

“And throw away everything on the off-chance you’ll feel some type of way forever?” Hope rubbed his back, peering at him in her usual earnest way.

“I know I won’t feel this way forever.” Remus sniffed. “But I’m not going to be able to move past this and process it while worrying about Sirius at the same time.”

“Sirius is an adult too, dear. They can worry about themselves just fine, I’m sure. If you know you won’t feel this way forever, then you can both work together to get past this, can’t you?”

“I don’t know, they’re so upset and it’s my fault. I can’t change how I feel tomorrow. They hated the list and I thought it would help.” Remus put his head in his hands.

“You can’t change how you feel, so it’s not your fault, Remus John. It’s a relationship, nothing is on either of you alone, alright? It’s not you vs them. It’s both of you together.” Hope put her hand on his shoulder, rubbing in little circles.

“I know but they’re so upset. I really don’t think they want to do it.”

“Do what? Work on things with you?”

Remus nodded. “I don’t think they want to try with the affecton thing. They’re so hurt because I’m not giving them what they want.”

“You can understand them being upset though, right? But that doesn’t mean both of you just call it quits and cut ties and move on, does it? Not after everything you’ve done and seen and worked on together so far. After everything with their brother and how much you love each other.”

“It feels like it’s all over though.” Remus took a deep breath. “It feels like I can’t… they can’t... “

His mam hugged him again. “Can’t?”

“Can’t get past this because they don’t want me if I can’t give them affection. They were so upset about the kissing thing.”

“I don’t think it’s that they don’t want you, dear.” Hope stroked his hair, sighing softly. “Wouldn’t you be upset at the thought of not being able to do something you really loved?”

“Yeah but, what if I do feel like this forever? What if I can’t give them anything?”

“You just said you didn’t think you would.”

“What happens if I do? Mam, I can’t just let them resent me the rest of our lives.” Remus hugged her back.

“Then the two of you cross that bridge when you get to it,  _ if _ you feel like you’re never going to want to be affectionate again. I don’t think Sirius would resent you, they love you very much.”

“But they would. They want the affection, they’re so affectionate, you’ve seen. They would hate it if they didn’t get that affection, or weren’t able to give it.” Remus closed his eyes.

“Did they say that?”

“They just kept asking if I would be happy. I wouldn’t be because I know they’d be miserable.”

Hope tutted softly. “Sounds like you both hear whatever you  _ don’t _ want to hear, dear.”

“What do you mean?”

“Sirius never  _ said _ they wouldn’t be happy. They wanted  _ you _ to be happy, didn’t they? And maybe Sirius heard that you didn’t want to kiss them and thought that you two would never kiss again, hm?”

“But that wasn’t the purpose of the list!” Remus sat back. “Should I go see them?”

His mam raised an eyebrow. “If you’re going to shout like that Remus John, then no.”

He frowned and bit his lip. “Sorry.”

“Apology accepted.” Hope nodded. “Do you think you’re ready to have a proper conversation with them?”

“I don’t think so… I… even if I were ready I think they need some time too.”

“So wait until you’re ready. You can sleep here tonight, if you don’t want to go home yet. You can help me around the shop, hm?”

“I can’t stay the night.” Remus frowned.

“Okay. Whatever you want, dear. I’m here to help.”

“I need to get some air I think then I’ll help you out okay?” Remus rubbed his face, feel like he needed to stretch his legs.

“Okay.” His mam hugged him again. “It’s not all awful, Remus. I promise.”

That was hard to accept with how the last few days had gone. He nodded though, knowing his mother probably had a long speech ready if he talked back. “Do you need anything out?”

“You can get some more milk, if you go past a shop, please dear?”

“Yeah, sure, no problem.” Remus nodded then kissed her on the cheek. “I’ll be back in a bit.”

“Okay, take care son, see you in a while.” Hope kissed his cheek and squeezed him in a hug again.

Remus sighed as she let go then turned around on his heel to leave the shop. He started to walk one direction, then remembered the old record store. Sirius had gotten Pet Sounds there, maybe Remus could find something that Sirius actually didn’t have. At the very least he could kill some time browsing.

He walked into the shop, which was filled wall to wall with bins of records of every genre. Remus meandered down the rows, not looking for anything in particular. Remus wondered when Sirius was here last. They probably loved a place like this, being the music snob they were. Something in Remus’ chest twisted as he thought about them. What if they couldn’t be happy again together? That wasn’t something he wanted.

Taking his phone out, Remus decided to text Sirius.

**I love you.**

_ I love you too _

💙

**I’m in that old record store by my mam’s shop**

_ That’s nice _

_ Anything you like? _

**Just browsing. I’m supposed to be getting milk.**

_ I’m sure there’s a shop nearby for milk _

_ Are you with your mam? _

**I was at the shop, left to get some air.**

**Are you home?**

_ At Lily’s work _

**Oh, are you going to be home tonight?**

_ I will, if you’ll be there _

**Do you want me there?**

_ Always _

**Okay. I’ll be there later. I’m going to spend some time at the shop though.**

_ Okay. That’s okay _

**I’ll tell you when I’m on my way home.**

_ Thank you _

_ I love you _

**Love you.**

**Bye.**

Remus tucked his phone away then went back to browsing, feeling somewhat better. Nothing was solved and he knew they were going to have to do a lot more talking, but at least Sirius wanted to talk to him.

As he was on the way out the door, an album got his eye,  _ Stay With Me _ by Billie Holiday. Sirius didn’t have that one and it felt someone appropriate, so he grabbed it and went to pay. He felt terrible and ready to go home, but still didn’t think he was ready to talk yet. So, he got the milk then went back to his mam’s shop.

Helping out meant cleaning the high shelves and everything and doing some moving of furniture. It was nice to have something to do and to keep his mind off of things for a few hours. By the time dinner rolled around, Remus decided he would pick up food then go home to try to talk to Sirius.

**I’m getting pizza and cheesy chips.**

**Be home in a half hour or so?**

_ Okay _

_ Sounds lovely, thank you _


	16. Chapter 16

Thankfully, Lily was doing costume work that day, so Sirius was able to go and sit with her at the theatre and help her with things, trying to keep their mind off of everything. Sirius was so scared they had driven Remus off by getting so hung up on some potential lack of affection between them. 

Sirius had just finished sorting a pile of needles when they puffed out a big sigh. “Me and Remus had a big fight.”

“Ah, that’s what’s wrong?” Lily looked up from the sequins she was sewing. “I was waiting for you to come out with it.”

“Ha… yeah.” Sirius swallowed. “A big fight. I think we might’ve split up, actually…”

Lily raised an eyebrow. “You  _ think _ you might’ve split up… what happened?”

“Mhmm,” Sirius said, trying not to cry again. “We… he’s… he’s seeing Poppy, my therapist, for some of his own stuff… since we ran into his ex the other week.”

“Okay, and…”

“And he had this big bombshell dropped about their relationship and it’s really thrown him through a loop and he’s been acting so differently and not wanting any kind of affection or closeness and we had a  _ big _ argument on Saturday after Marly and Dorky left, and so we went to see Poppy this morning together. She suggested writing this list of what he’s okay doing right now, you know, kissing or cuddling or holding hands or… and then we ended up arguing over kissing being on the list because he thought I didn’t want it on the list because I said he flinched from it, but he  _ did _ want it on the list, but then I was like I’m not going to force you to kiss me, I’m not your bastard ex and it was like I couldn’t get him to see what I meant about  _ any _ of it.” Sirius puffed out their cheeks, sitting back. “And then he said he was going to see his mam and walked off.”

“I feel like I’m missing a lot of information.” Lily set down what she was working on. “So, he’s uncomfortable with kissing right now? That’s fine, right?”

Sirius blinked. “I… he’s never uncomfortable with kissing. We always kiss. I miss kissing him.”

“Not what I asked. Is it okay if he’s uncomfortable  _ right now _ ?”

“Yes?” Sirius bit their lip. They weren’t used to Remus not being okay with kissing, they were  _ always _ okay with kissing; but they supposed if Remus didn’t want to kiss right now, that would be fine, so long as they were cuddling, so long as Sirius had  _ something _ that said he loved them.

“That doesn’t sound like a yes.”

Sirius huffed, sitting back in their seat and putting their hands over their face. “Now you’re making me feel like a shitty person for needing affection, Lils.”

“It doesn’t make you a shitty person. I think maybe, Remus was more worried about you not being honest with him about it. It must be hard for him, you know?” Lily leaned on the table.

“Of course it’s hard for him.” Sirius bit their lip. “I was being honest but I also get that if I can make him happy, then I want to do that. I love him, Lils, I want to make him happy.”

“Are you going to be happy without affection?”

Sirius bit their lip. “I miss it a lot, already… I wouldn’t put Marly down on Saturday because I wanted cuddles and I think that annoyed him too, and I… don’t think I’d be happy but I wouldn’t be happy anyway with anyone else.”

“I thought he was okay with cuddling though, why weren’t you cuddling him Saturday?”

“He didn’t… he went to nap and I said I would come with him and he said no and then when we argued he said he wanted to be alone.” Sirius rubbed their hands over their face, sighing.

“Okay, but now he’s saying that he’s okay with cuddling, right?”

“Yeah. It was on the list. Or it was, before we argued.”

“Kissing was on the list then you seemed to argue it off the list even though he wanted it.” She reached for her tea.

“I didn’t argue. I said he shouldn’t put it on the okay list if he wasn’t okay with it, and then he took it off.” Sirius crossed their arms, feeling a little put out.

“So, he didn’t push back on it? Just took it off?”

“He pushed back at first, but then I pointed out that he flinched away, and then he took it off. I’m not going to push myself on him if he doesn’t want it. I won’t argue it if he doesn’t want it because it’s  _ his _ list.”

“It’s also a list for you, isn’t it? To know what he wants. He put kissing down, he must want it.”

Sirius opened their mouth then closed it again. “He flinches away.”

“Did you ask him about it or just you know, shut it down?”

“I didn’t shut it down I just… if he flinches then he flinches, what am I meant to do with that?”

“Ask if he’s okay?” Lily made a face.

Sirius frowned. They shifted in their seat. “I do that? I… I thought I did that…”

“So, what happened the last time he flinched away?”

“Ah… I don’t — I don’t know. Everything’s been so off since he saw Poppy.” Sirius bit their lip, tucking their feet up onto the chair.

“Do you remember him flinching away or do you think he’s doing it?”

“He did it in the kitchen on Thursday night, he didn’t want to be anywhere near me.” Sirius remembered that well enough, and Remus revealed that Fenrir had done something similar so now they felt so disgusting about it.

“Did you say anything or just ignore it?”

“Ignored it…” Sirius mumbled, feeling thoroughly ashamed now.

“You have to talk to him. If you try and he doesn’t talk, that’s one thing, but you have to try if you want this relationship,” Lily lectured.

Sirius sniffed, rubbing their hands over their face. They knew they had a problem with just sticking their head in the sand, but it was bad. Just then, their phone lit up with a text from Remus, saying he loved them. “Oh fuck, I fucked up, didn’t I Lils? I fucked up. I got so scared I couldn’t fix it if something was wrong that I just pretended everything was fine and it’s not.” 

“Stop, it’s okay. You can fix it.” She assured them. “Did he text you?”

Sirius nodded. “Said he loves me.”

“Great, you didn’t fuck anything up at all. Fix it.”

“Yeah, yeah okay.” Sirius text back, biting their lip.

That evening, they left Lily at work to go back home, when Remus texted them again saying he was on his way home, and bringing dinner. Sirius felt exhausted after today and just wanted everything to be back to normal with Remus. When they arrived home Sirius was greeted with Snuffles; even he seemed a little subdued and wanting to cuddle up. Sirius kicked off their trainers by the door and curled up on the sofa with Snuffles, waiting for Remus to get home so they could fix things.

The front door opened a little later, and Sirius could already smell the pizza. “Sirius?”

“I’m here,” Sirius hummed, sitting up and stilling their hands in Snuffles’ fur. “I’m here.”

“I’ve pizza and cheesy chips.” He came into the living room and set them down on the coffee table. “Ah, I got a record for you too.”

Sirius nodded, biting their lip as they watched him. After a moment they held their hand out to him. “Can I have a hug first?”

Remus nodded, moving a bit awkwardly around Snuffles to give Sirius a hug. “I’ll go get drinks. Cider?” He stood back up.

“In a minute,” Sirius said, trying to remember to communicate better like Lily had told them all afternoon. They rested their hands on Remus’ sides where they had fallen after the hug. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” Remus smiled a little tight.

Sirius could see the look on his face and they wanted to fix everything. “What’s wrong? What are you thinking?”

“I honestly don’t know. I was afraid you’d have packed up and left already.” Remus moved away.

“I don’t want to leave. I want to be here and I want you to be here and I want to be together.” Sirius bit their lip, fingers itching to just hold onto him and keep him close.

Remus nodded as he went towards the kitchen. “I’m sorry,” He said loud enough to be heard from what sounded like the refrigerator.

Sirius rubbed a hand over their face. “What are you sorry for?” they replied, trying to keep their voice light.

“Walking away earlier.” Remus came back out with a beer and a cider. He handed Sirius the cider then took a seat on the ground in front of the sofa. “It just felt like you didn’t want to understand where I was coming from.”

Sirius hummed, biting their lip. “I don’t think I could. I got so upset by the idea of our boundaries changing so much. I’m sorry that I’ve been burying my head in the sand.”

“It’s not forever, Sirius. I don’t want it to be forever.” He shook his head and reached for the pizza. He set the record aside. “I want you to kiss me and I want it on the list.”

Sirius nodded. “Okay. Put it on the list.” They leaned over to peer at the record. “Oh… Billie. Can I put it on now?”

“Yeah, you don’t have that one, I don’t think.” Remus got a piece of pizza. “I already put it back on the list.”

Sirius slipped off the sofa, snagging the record on the way to the record player. They were quiet for a moment as they set it playing. “What else is on the list?”

“Holding hands, cuddling, kissing — lips and cheek. I — right now that’s it but it’s going to change. I promise. It won’t be this way forever.”

“Okay,” Sirius said softly, standing by the record player to listen to the record for a moment. “I believe you.”

“Come eat.” Remus’ voice sounded sad.

Sirius rubbed a hand over their face before turning back to the sofa and tucking themselves into the corner. They plucked up a piece of pizza and set about convincing themselves they were hungry.

“What else do you want to talk about?”

“I’m sorry I’ve been ignoring everything and pretending it’s fine. I’m sorry if you’ve been feeling unsupported and like I haven’t been helping.” Sirius nibbled at the edges of their pizza slice.

“It hurt so much Saturday when you came in to wake me up and you didn’t even — I was crying and you just walked away.” Remus looked up at them. “Then I thought maybe you’d follow me into the kitchen and check in but you didn’t. You were all cozy with Marly, which is fine normally but…”

“I… I was hurt because it felt like you didn’t want me around. I didn’t want to overstep any boundaries and I thought you wanted to be alone. I didn’t want to push.” Sirius felt like shit about this all.

“I was  _ crying _ .” Remus took a deep breath.

Sirius shook their head. “I thought you wanted to be alone.”

“At first I did then when I was crying, you could have at least asked what was wrong.” Remus’ voice broke. “It felt like I was annoying you.”

“No, no you’re not annoying, you weren’t annoying.” Sirius sighed, rubbing their hand over their eyes. “Did something happen, on Saturday?”

“Fenrir reached out to me on Instagram asking for a drink. Must have made a new account because I’ve blocked him otherwise.” Remus took another bite of pizza.

_ Shit _ . Sirius tried not to start crying again. “I…” They wanted to say  _ you should’ve told me _ , but that wouldn’t help now. They should’ve asked, too. “I’m so sorry, Rem.”

“You said whatever about him when I was out here then I went back to bed and actually napped but I woke up to that message. Then you just came in and acted like nothing was happening and I — then I just held on to it and it all blew up at the end of the night.”

Sirius nodded. “I’m sorry. I should’ve asked what was wrong. I didn’t… I don’t know. I feel so out of my depth trying to help you with this because I don’t know what the hell to say to make it better and I feel like I’m just flailing and I’m scared to reach out to try and help in case I  _ can’t _ help.”

“You don’t need to help, you just need to be there.” He tossed his crust down, voice breaking.

“I know that now,” Sirius said, shifting and curling up on their side on the sofa. “I’m so focused on fixing things that if I can’t fix it I just pull away. And that’s  _ shit _ .”

“I know and I love that you want to fix things but, sometimes you can’t. Poppy’s going to help me fix this. I just need some support.” Remus buried his face in his hands.

Sirius nodded, biting their lip. “Can I cuddle you? What do you need?”

“Don’t ask, Sirius, just do it.” He sounded like he was crying.

Immediately, Sirius slipped from the sofa and wrapped their arms around Remus, pressing close and trying not to cry themselves. “I’m so sorry.”

“I love you so much and I thought, really thought, that you were going to leave — leave me because of this — this affection thing.”

Sirius sniffed back tears. “I don’t want to leave, I don’t want to be without you. I just got…  _ scared _ because the list felt  _ so _ final.”

“The list, it’s supposed to grow.” Remus sniffled, wrapping his arms around Sirius.

“It didn’t feel like it earlier, it felt like that was us and I wouldn’t get to kiss you again,” Sirius mumbled, pressing as close as they could without being in his lap.

Remus pulled them onto his lap. “I always want your kisses, I’ve said that. Please, and if I flinch, let me know. Please, Sirius.”

Sirius curled up in his lap, wrapping their arms tight around him and burying their face in his shoulder. “I will, I will.”

“I’m sorry. I love you so much.” He pulled back a little then pressed his lips to Sirius’.

“I love you,” Sirius muttered, kissing back softly, pressing close.

“My pearl.” Remus kissed their jaw.

Sirius nodded for a moment before the tears welled up in their eyes and spilled down their cheeks. “Yeah, yeah… I love you, I love you so much.”

Remus smiled at them softly before kissing their cheeks over their tears. “It’s okay. We’re okay.”

“I love you. I’m going to try so hard and make everything okay and make it work and be there. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay, let’s stop apologizing, we’re here. It’s going to be okay.”

“Okay. I love you.”

“I love you too.”


	17. Chapter 17

Three weeks later, things were getting better. Remus had seen Poppy twice a week the last few weeks and Sirius seemed to be getting more comfortable with the affection bits. Things still weren’t back to what they were, but Remus was dealing with trauma that he hadn’t really thought about much before. It was a lot, but Sirius and Remus were doing okay, and he was doing okay personally and that was what mattered.

They were meant to be going to the jazz bar with James, Lily, Reggie, and Ben. He was excited to go out. The weekend before, Sirius and Remus made it for themselves and went climbing and had a picnic then spent a lazy Sunday watching movies in bed and getting high. So, he was happy to go out with a few of their mates and have a good time.

Remus was sitting in the bedroom on his phone waiting for Sirius to get out of the shower. He only got ready after they were done because that’s what they always did.

Sirius came out of the shower with their towel around their waist and hair up in a bun out of the way. “Hi caro,” they hummed, going to the dresser.

“Hi love.” Remus set his phone down and turned on his side to watch them. “Excited for tonight?”

“Mhmm.” Sirius watched him for a moment. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, why?” Remus frowned a little.

“Just checking.” Sirius smiled before turning to the dresser and dropping their towel.

“Okay.” Remus tried not to be annoyed. Sirius was doing that every so often, as if they were worried about missing something.

Sirius got dressed in black jeans and a distressed band tee before crossing over and sitting on the edge of the bed with their makeup bag. “I’m looking forward to the jazz bar.”

“Me too. I like those jeans.”

“Oh, these?” Sirius smiled, stretching their legs out front and pointing their toes. “Thank you.”

“They make your arse look even better.” Remus grinned. They hadn’t been so flirty lately and he was missing it the last few days.

Sirius bit their lip, pausing with their eyeliner to glance over at him for a moment before they grinned broadly. “Oh yeah?”

“Mmmhmm.” Remus nudged their thigh with his toe.

Sirius capped their eyeliner and threw it back in the bag, turning to him fully. They looked at him for a moment. “I’ll have to remember that, and wear them more.”

“You really should.” Remus nodded.

Sirius grinned, looking a little flushed. “Hold on, I want to finish my makeup, hold on.” They grabbed something else from their makeup bag, still smiling, biting their lip.

“Good, then maybe kiss me for a little bit?” Remus smiled at them.

“Yeah,” Sirius said softly, applying their mascara. Then they grabbed a lipstick tube and Remus realised it was the deep, dark red he loved. “I’d like that,” Sirius murmured as they applied it.

“Yeah? Me too.” Remus and Sirius hadn’t done more than give one another pecks on the cheek or lips for over two weeks now.

Sirius nodded, focusing on applying their lipstick for a moment. When they were done, they pulled their hair out of the bun it was in and finger-combed it through, leaving it loose. “There,” they said, turning back to him.

“Come here.” Remus held out his hand. Sirius slipped their hand into his, squeezing a little as they shifted forward, sitting as close as they could without being in his lap. “In my lap.”

“Okay.” Sirius bit their lip, obliging and shifting so they were sat in Remus’ lap, one hand going to his shoulder. “Hi…”

“Hi, my pearl.” Remus smiled before pressing his lips to Sirius’.

Sirius hummed softly into the kiss, kissing back immediately. His hands slid down Sirius’ back, pulling them closer as his tongue teased at their lips. Sirius’ hands went to his shoulders, one hand straying further up into his hair as their lips parted for him, their tongue stroking against his. Remus groaned into the kiss, missing being close to Sirius in this way. He slipped his fingers under the hem of Sirius’ shirt to touch the warm, smooth skin on the small of their back.

“Mmm, I love you,” Sirius hummed into the kiss, pulling back only far enough to speak before kissing him again, keeping the kiss soft and light.

“I love you too.” Remus pulled back, trailing his lips down their jaw. “My pearl.”

Sirius made a soft noise, tilting their head to allow him better access. Their hands stayed on his shoulders, tightening a little. He nipped at the soft skin below their ear then sucked a kiss as his hands wandered a bit under their shirt. He felt almost relieved to be doing this and that he felt good doing this. Sirius let out a little moan, their hand still trailing over his shoulder and upper arm as their back arched against his touch.

For a few more minutes, Remus kissed at Sirius’ neck, doing everything he knew that they liked and probably missed for the last few weeks. He wanted to give them something back for being so sweet and trying to be completely understanding. When he pulled back, his lips were tingling and Sirius’ neck was looking well loved.

“Okay, we have to get going.” Remus wiped his mouth with his hand. “I need to change.”

Sirius was panting softly, letting their chin drop towards their chest so they were looking at him again. They touched the base of their throat, smiling. “Okay. I love you.”

“I love you too.” Remis kissed them again.

“Feels like that time you gave me hickeys and we went to the jazz bar… that was the first time I met Frank, Al, Pete and Mare, right?” Sirius bit their lip, shifting off his lap so they were sitting at the top of the bed.

“Ha, yeah, it was. Got to keep up the birthmarks.” Remus went over to the dresser. “What should I wear?”

“Mm, maybe those dark jeans… and oh, your Strokes shirt!”

“Sounds good.” Remus changed quickly, realizing they were running late.

Sirius watched for a moment before slipping to the edge of the bed and pulling on their heels. “You look very handsome, caro.”

“Thank you, love.” Remus grinned as he put his phone and wallet into his pockets.

“Ready?” Sirius stood, stretching their arms over their head.

Remus pulled them close and pressed a kiss to their lips again. “Yes.”

Sirius kissed back, smiling. “Come on, or we’ll be late.”

“Driving or bus?”

“Bus? We can have a drink, then.”

“Sure, sounds good.” Remus took their hand.

Sirius kissed the back of his hand. “Let’s go.”

By the time they got to the bar, everyone else was already there and had got a nice area of seating near the dancefloor. “Sorry we’re late.” Remus hugged Lily.

James clapped Remus on the shoulder. “It’s alright. Drink, mate?”

“Ah, sure, I’ll have whisky.” Remus nodded. “Sirius?”

Sirius was already hugging Regulus and Benjy. “Oh, um, yeah, vodka cranberry please?”

“I’ll help you James.” Lily smiled.

“I could help.” Remus offered.

James shook his head. “No, no, you’re fine. C’mon Lils, let’s go. You guys can have a seat.”

Remus nodded as the couple went off. He went to great Ben and Reggie then took a seat next to Sirius, putting a hand on their thigh. “Reg, have you still been looking into uni programs?”

Sirius put their hand over his, squeezing a little.

“Yeah, I’ve been looking at places nearby, so I can stay living here and working, you know?” Regulus smiled. He looked very happy.

“That’s great, Reggie.” Remus nodded. Regulus had recently moved in with Benjy, but as a roommate. He had his own room and everything. Benjy and the girl from the sex shop (Remus still didn’t know her name) needed someone else to split the rent with so Reggie moved in. Remus doubted that they were actually in separate rooms.

“Yeah, we should be able to figure it out, shouldn’t we?” Benjy said, smiling at Regulus.

“Still thinking English, Reg?” Sirius said, leaning forward interestedly.

“Yeah, I think so. I wanna finish what I started, you know?”

“That’s great, you’re going to do awesome.” Remus nodded as the Potters came back with the drinks.

They all sat and chatted for a bit before Lily pulled Sirius off to the dancefloor. Remus was somewhat sad because he wanted to dance with them, but he decided to give the actual dancers some time. Reggie and Ben went out as well, Regulus looking horrified at the idea

“Well, the world is being saved from the Potter dancing madness.” Remus sipped his whisky with a grin.

James chuckled. “I’m definitely doing you all a favour.”

“Oh yeah, you’re saving your poor wife’s feet.” Remus snorted a laugh.

“Ha! I will watch her dance any day. I’m better here on the sofa, I think.”

“You really are.” Remus watched Sirius spin Lily around. “They’re so graceful.”

“Aren’t they? Sickening, isn’t it?” James sipped his beer, grinning.

“Amazing they like a couple of bumbling idiots like us, really.”

“A modern miracle, really.” James chuckled, sitting forward. “You two alright?”

Remus frowned, knowing that Sirius told James nearly everything about what happened probably. “We’re good, yeah.”

James held his free hand up, eyebrows rising behind his glasses. “I don’t know anything. Lils just told me Sirius was upset a few weeks ago because you two argued, that’s it. Sirius last week said you guys were having a tough time, but that’s it. I don’t know details.” He sipped his beer. “If you wanna talk to an unbiased utter idiot with Sirius-handling experience, I’m here, though.”

Remus laughed. “Well, I mean, it is better. My ex, the utter bastard showed his face again and I sort of spiraled in anxiety. Then I went to Poppy, Sirius’ therapist, and things got worse because some things were brought up. I wasn’t feeling very affectionate and Sirius panicked and we argued.” He shrugged. “We worked it out, I think.”

“Yeah… Sounds like Sirius.” James winced. “Sorry though, mate. Glad you worked it out, glad you’re seeing Poppy too, she seems good.”

“She is, she’s helping a lot. Sirius seems to… I don’t know, they think things are their fault when it’s not.”

James pulled a face. He sipped his beer before setting it down on the table. “That’ll be the good ol’ Black family for you, then. From what I understand their parents used to blame them for everything… Anything went wrong, it was Sirius. Their fault if they hurt him, if they hurt Reggie, all their fault…” James grimaced again, kind of shrugging. “Not to blame… but… the more I found out about Sirius’ childhood, the more they made sense to me.”

“No, no it makes plenty of sense.” Remus’ stomach always turned at the idea of the Blacks.

“Still doesn’t excuse a lot of their behaviour, but if you don’t catch them at the top of a spiral they’re hard to pull out. You do a good job of it… when your head’s on straight. If that’s not too much for me to say.” James smiled, and Remus could tell there was no bite in his words. James always seemed to come from the best place.

“No, thanks, yeah. When my head is on straight… it wasn’t when we argued and they spiralled. I couldn’t see it because I was doing my own spiral at the time. But it’s okay now I think.” They still had some stuff to work through, but it felt so much better.

James clapped him on the shoulder. “Glad to hear it, Moony. You two are too good together.”

“Yeah, we are, huh?” Remus took another drink of his whisky.


	18. Chapter 18

Sirius was feeling better. They were at the jazz bar with their friends, dancing with Lily, with Reggie and Benjy next to them. James and Remus were at their table, but Sirius wasn’t too concerned with what they would be talking about.

“Nice hickeys.” Lily laughed as she spun.

Sirius rolled their eyes. “Shut up, nothing can put me off these ones,” they said, grinning. It had been a while since Remus had given them hickeys and there was something in them that felt a million times better now he had.

“So you two are better?”

“Things are starting to give,” Sirius said, spinning Lily again. “Getting better. Things aren’t back to how they were… but that’s okay.”

“Yeah, I’m sure you’re fine.” Lily smiled.

“Yeah, I think so.” Sirius spun her back in. “Thank you for kicking me into shape.”

“Hey, when Moony can’t, someone else has to.”

“Yeah.” Sirius bit their lip. “I’m a bit of a headcase sometimes, aren’t I?”

“Just a bit but I love you.”

“Love you too, Lils.” Sirius grinned, dancing along with her.

“You should dance with Moony, I’ll go sit with my poor poor husband.”

Sirius chuckled. “I should dance with my fiancé, shouldn’t I?” They glanced through the crowd. “I’ll get a drink and then drag him up here, c’mon.” They kept a hold of her hand, starting back towards the table.

“Sounds good.” She smiled. “Only a few more weeks ‘til the big day.”

“Not long at all,” Sirius agreed, grinning as they came up to the table.

“Hi, love.” Remus smiled up at them.

Sirius snagged their glass from the table and took a drink. “Care to dance, my love?”

“Sure.” He pushed himself up then offered Sirius his hand.

After taking another drink, Sirius took his hand and kissing the back of it. 

Remus led them out to the floor. “I was a little jealous you were dancing with Lily.” He laughed.

Sirius chuckled, putting their arms around him. “No need to be jealous, caro. I love dancing with you too.”

“I know.” He put his hands on their waist. “I’m having fun tonight, are you?”

“I am, so much fun.” Sirius leaned in and kissed their cheek. “I love coming here with you.”

“Me too, it’s my favorite place.” Remus kissed their lips quickly.

“Mhmm,” Sirius agreed, taking Remus’ hand and spinning out and back in.

Remus caught them on the spin in then dipped then and gave them a sweet kiss. Sirius hummed happily, looping their arms around his shoulders and kissing back. Remus dipping them was one of their favourite things, he wasn’t a dancer but they loved dancing with him and never felt more like a dancer when he dipped them.

Remus pulled back, straightening up with them. “You always smile like that after I do that.”

Sirius flushed, grinning. “I like you dipping me.”

“Okay.” Remus pressed a few kisses to their neck. “I’ll remember that for our first dance.”

“Ah…” Sirius couldn’t keep the smile from their face, pressing closer. Tonight it felt like they had Remus back. They had missed him so much and he was slowly coming back to them but tonight, things seemed to click. “That sounds wonderful.”

“I can’t wait.”

They danced for a little longer before going back to the table. Sirius sat right next to Remus, their hand on his knee. Every time they came to the jazz bar they remembered all of the other times they had been there together. Everything was starting to feel better again. They had a few drinks and chatted. Benjy, Lily and Sirius talked about dance for a while, chatting about Kingsley’s new performance and Lily bemoaned the speed at which she had to sew on a thousand million sequins by next week. Sirius glanced over at one point to see James, Regulus and Remus chatting away and their heart grew a hundred sizes seeing their boyfriend chatting with both their brothers.

“Okay troops, I have to be up for a meeting tomorrow morning, yes on a bloody Sunday, so I have to cut the evening short.” James stood up.

Sirius rolled their eyes. “Spoilsport.”

“It’s okay James, must be rough having a ‘real job’.” Remus snickered as he stood up too.

“Oh yes, you smug little bastard, it’s awful.” James shrugged on his jacket before crossing over to hug Sirius. “See you soon, sib.”

Sirius kissed his cheek, hugging back. “Alright, mushy. Get to bed before you fall asleep.”

“Yes the old man must get his rest.” Lily snickered.

“I think we’re staying a bit longer.” Regulus smiled, looking to Ben.

Sirius looped their arm around Remus’ waist. “Shall we stay a little longer?”

“I think I’d like to go home.” Remus shrugged, leaning close to their ear. “I’d like to be alone with you I think.”

Sirius hummed, leaning into him. “Okay,” they said softly, already feeling their insides squirming. “I’d like that too.”

“Bye Reggie, Ben.” Remus went to say goodbye to the two.

“Goodnight kid,” Sirius said, saying goodbye to Regulus and Benjy. Their brother looked happier than SIrius had seen him for a while, and that was so wonderful to see. They left the pair in the jazz bar and walked towards the bus stop with Remus, holding their hand out to him.

Remus grabbed their hand, pulling them close. “Good night?”

“Such a good night,” Sirius said, smiling as they kissed the back of his hand.

“I’m starting to feel… me again, does that make sense? Like I was lost a little bit but I found where I went,” he asked as they came to a stop at the bus stop.

Sirius bit their lip, nodding. “I feel like you’re coming back to me.”

“Thanks for waiting.” Remus wrapped his arms around them. “I didn’t think it was going to rock my world so much.”

“Yeah… it’s okay. I get that it did.”

Remus rested his head on Sirius’ shoulder and sighed. They smiled and kissed his temple. “My Austen heroine.”

“My pearl.”

“I love you,” they murmured, hands grazing up and down his back.

“I love you too.”

“Here’s our bus.” Sirius pulled away, stepping onto the bus and sitting down. Everything was starting to feel normal again and Sirius felt so happy. They chatted idly on the journey home, Remus’ head on Sirius’ shoulder, his hand on their thigh. They made their way upstairs, happily tipsy, and Sirius was accosted by Snuffles immediately, as per usual.

“Do you want tea?” Sirius asked from the floor, even though they were in no position to make it.

“Ha, yes, I got it. What kind?”

“Whatever you fancy, caro. I trust your tea instincts.”

“Okay, I’m making that peppermint tea I just bought.” Remus disappeared into the kitchen.

“Sounds good!” Sirius called through, petting Snuffles enough to get him off of them and settled in his bed. They sat next to him and slipped their heels off, stretching their legs out in front of them with a relieved sigh.

“That’s the sound of heels coming off.” Remus laughed.

“Nothing escapes your hearing!” Sirius called back, chuckling as they flexed and pointed their toes a few times, leaning back on their hands.

“It’s amazing I can still hear after all the punk shows I went to as a teen.” Remus came back out into the living room carrying to mugs.

“Were you one of those people that wore earplugs to shows?” Sirius shifted their legs to the side to let him past, smiling.

Remus rolled his eyes, handing Sirius their tea then went to sit on the sofa. “No, I was a true punk, thank you.”

“Ah yes, a bleeding ears punk,” Sirius said wisely, sipping their tea. “Thank you caro.”

“Welcome.” He pulled his legs up.

Sirius drank a little more of their tea before they shifted around to sit with their back against the sofa, close to Remus. They tilted their head back against the sofa, smiling. “Lily called me out on the hickeys earlier.”

“Of course she did, princess.” Remus snickered, fingers running through Sirius’ hair.

Sirius’ eyes flickered shut at the combination of Remus’ touch and the nickname princess. He hadn’t called them princess since everything had gone wrong and now it felt like their whole body was wired to the name.

“Oh, was that okay? You’re not super femme today.” Remus continued with his fingers.

“Yeah, it’s okay. You can call me princess however I look or feel, Remus. When it’s you my gender doesn’t feel like it matters…” Sirius’ eyes stayed shut, letting out a sigh.

“Okay.” Remus kissed the top of their head then went back to working his fingers through it.

“That feels so good, caro…” Sirius breathed, just enjoying him touching them.

“Yeah?” Remus ran his fingers down to the nape of their neck. “I love your hair.”

“Mmhm. I love your hands in my hair too.” Sirius felt like all the tension in their body was slipping away.

“I know. You love my fingers.”

Sirius bit their lip. “I do.”

Remus’ fingers traced down their neck before returning to their hair.

After a few moments, feeling more relaxed than they had in weeks, Sirius had a plan. They hoped it would work, and that they had read the situation right, and that Remus would appreciate this little push. They turned and pressed a kiss to his wrist. “I’ll be back in a minute.”

“Okay.” Remus smiled at them then sat up properly on the sofa.

Sirius stood up, pressing a kiss to his forehead. “Love you.”

“Love you too.” Remus moved to sit against the arm of the sofa with his knees up.

“Just a sec,” Sirius said, feeling a little nervous as they went to the bedroom. They got undressed to their underwear then rifled through the wardrobe to find one of Remus’ button shirts, shrugging it on and leaving the top few buttons undone. Next they pulled on their favourite collar, the one from the sex shop, and buckled it around their throat. The hickeys from earlier were peeking over the sides and looked beautiful. With a reassuring deep breath, Sirius went back out into the living room, skirted around the sofa and knelt in front of it, hands behind their back.

Sirius smiled up at Remus, who was looking at them like they’d just grown three heads, and shrugged one shoulder. “Tell me what to do.” They couldn’t quite put into words how or why they needed this, they just wanted the Remus they knew back, and this seemed like the best way to pull him out of the shell he’d withdrawn into. They hoped they weren’t misreading the signs, they’d been trying so hard to tune into him. “Even if it’s… even if it’s sitting next to you, watching TV, just tell me what to do and I’ll do it.”


	19. Chapter 19

Remus couldn’t believe it when Sirius came back from the bedroom in one of his shirts with the collar on. It had been so long since they had had sex, even longer since they had done this. He was nervous up until this week about being open again, and he had been trying to figure out how to open up again. Sirius clearly took it into their own hands and jumped right in.

“Ah, come sit up here with me, between my legs.” Remus scooted up a little.

Sirius obeyed, rising elegantly, like they did everything, and sitting on the sofa in the space Remus left them. They were watching him closely, their eyes wide.

“Put your back against my chest, so I can hold you.”

“Okay,” Sirius said softly, twisting in their seat so they were leaning back against him, stretching one leg out on the sofa. They let their hands fall into their lap like they weren’t sure where to put them.

“I’m sorry we haven’t done this in a while, princess.” Remus brushed his hands through their hair again, wrapping his other arm around their chest.

Sirius tilted their head back against his shoulder, nestling down a little. “It’s okay…”

Remus bit his cheek, trying to figure out what he could do for Sirius. He still was uninterested in having sex, but he wasn’t feeling repulsed anymore. He wasn’t in knots now. “What do you need, princess?”

“Just you,” Sirius whispered. “Just you here, I missed you.”

“Tell me… tell me what you want me to do the next time we have sex.” Remus pressed a kiss to their neck.

Sirius swallowed. “God, I… your hands, just—all over me, in my hair, on my back and my thighs and chest and, everywhere.”

“Be specific.” Remus let out a little laugh.

Sirius bit their lip, chuckling. “I don’t know, Remus. I’ve been wanking in the shower for a month, I feel like you could look at me right and talk me to a bloody orgasm right now.”

“Do you want to get off now?”

“Yes,” was Sirius’ instant reply. “If you want me to.”

“I do, I want you to.” Remus kissed their neck again.

“Yeah,” Sirius breathed, tilting their neck to the side a little more. “I love your kisses.”

“Touch yourself.” Remus continued to kiss them.

One of Sirius’ hands slid down to palm over themselves through their briefs, Remus’ shirt hitching up out of the way. They made a soft little noise at the touch, tensing a little against Remus.

“When everyone leaves and we have the villa to ourselves, do you still want to have sex by the pool?”

Sirius nodded, biting their lip as they kept on touching themselves, slowly, like they wanted to make it last. “Yeah.”

“Maybe in the pool? I could pin you against the side and wrap my hand around you.” Remus kissed their neck again.

“Ah…” Sirius gave a shiver that Remus could feel with them resting against him. “Yes. Whatever you want, caro.”

“I’ll put my fingers inside you while I stroke you, kissing your neck the whole time.”

Sirius moaned softly, their eyes fluttering shut. Their fingers slipped beneath the waistband of their briefs. “Yeah, god…”

“When you’re ready I’d wrap your legs around me and hold you while I fucked you.” Remus knew Sirius liked it when Remus held them.

“Yeah,” Sirius groaned, their back arching a little as they wrapped their hand around themselves beneath their briefs. “My… my legs over your shoulders.”

“Yeah, does that feel even better? When your legs are over my shoulders?” Remus nipped just above the collar.

“I love your shoulders.” Sirius made another little noise. “And you like it when I’m bendy, and you feel so good inside me like that.”

“Yeah, I love being inside you, I miss the feeling.” Remus ran his hand down Sirius’ chest. “I love the noises you make while I’m fucking you.”

“Ah, god… I love you inside me,” Sirius murmured, arching up into his touch, still slowly stroking themselves under their briefs.

“I like… I like it when you let me be just a little rough with you and I pull your hair or when I spank you.” Remus bit his lip.

Sirius groaned, squirming a little against him. “Only you get to do that.”

“Yeah? Do you like it?”

Sirius nodded, shifting their hips restlessly. “Yeah, I do. I like you being rough, and—and you’re always so sweet after.”

“I love taking care of you, you’re so sweet, princess.” Remus grazed his teeth over the collar.

“Yeah—ah…” Sirius bit their lip. “Only for you, caro. Only you get me like this, you get to—to tie me up and do what you want, and—and what I want too.”

“Do you miss me tying you up?” Remus pulled lightly at the hair at the base of Sirius’ head.

Sirius moaned sharply, their head tilting back a little more as they arched into him. “Yeah, yeah. It feels so good.”

“I’ll tie you up and put the plug in you. Then you won’t be able to touch yourself.” Remus pulled their hair a little harder.

“Ah, fuck.” Sirius’ hips shifted again, their strokes speeding up a little. “Then… then what?”

“Then I’d sit you here on the sofa while I watch a movie and play with the remote. Then I’ll… then I’ll ride you when I get bored.”

Sirius moaned loudly, despite the fact they were biting their lip. “Oh god, I’d be begging for you so bad.”

“Yeah? You’d want to come so bad, wouldn’t you?”

They nodded emphatically. “Yeah, yeah I would. So bad. I’d wanna be inside you so bad, espec—especially with the plug, god.”

“I’d ride you so hard and beg you to come too because I want to feel you inside me.” Remus felt a little breathless, still holding tight to Sirius’ hair.

Sirius whimpered, arching into him. “I love being inside you, love—love coming in you.”

“I love it too, I love the feeling. Like you can’t get any closer. It’s so hot.”

“Ahh, oh god, I’m so—I’m so close,” Sirius said breathlessly.

“I want your come princess, come on.” Remus kissed their neck and pulled their hair. Sirius came with a sharp moan, almost on his command it felt like, their body tensing and shuddering against him, toes curling. “You’re so good, princess, my pearl,” Remus murmured against their cheek.

After a moment, Sirius sank back into him, going boneless and heavy, their head on his shoulder. They were trying to catch their breath, eyes still closed. Remus felt good, like he always did after helping Sirius get off. He missed how close they felt this way. It had been so long, and Remus felt like he had gone through some serious personal hell and growth, but it was better now.

“All right, princess?”

Sirius nodded, glancing down. They smiled, shifting a little. “I got come on your shirt.”

“It’s okay, we’ll wash it.” Remus snickered wrapping both arms around them. “Thank you for that.”

“Yeah?” Sirius tilted their head to look at him, a little flushed. “It was okay?”

“More than okay. I don’t think I would have done it myself without you just shoving it into the light. I’ve been thinking about maybe trying something like this all week.” Remus kissed them softly. Sirius kissed back turning a little to meet him, soft and gentle.

“I’m glad,” they murmured, pulling back just enough to speak. “Really glad.”

“You really want to do that one day? The being tied up and me leaving you there?” Remus asked them.

Sirius bit their lip, thinking for a moment. “Don’t… don’t leave me alone, don’t walk off. But—but you could make me wait, I suppose… so long as you’re… nice.”

Remus frowned, feeling like that was bringing something up for Sirius. “I wouldn’t leave you alone, you’d be here or in the bedroom with me and of course I’d be nice, I’m always nice to you. We don’t have to if it makes you uncomfortable.”

“No, no,” Sirius said quickly. “I like the idea. I like you being here and me wanting you so badly, but I can’t get to you… just so long as you’re here.”

“Okay, that’s okay. I’ll be here, don’t worry.” Remus kissed their temple.

“Okay.” Sirius turned to him a little, their hand rubbing over his arm. “I’d like that, a lot. I think I’d go mad wanting you.”

Remus nodded with a smile. “Do you ah, do you want to talk about whatever is that’s bothering you?”

Sirius frowned. “Er… you—you mean why I wouldn’t want you to leave me alone?”

“Yeah.” Remus hugged them. “Well, after we get you cleaned up, I think because you must be sticky.”

“Oh…” Sirius shrugged. “It’s no big deal. Just… my biological parents. Locking—locking you in a room was one of their favourite things.”

Remus’ heart sank thinking about the Blacks as it normally did. “Well, I’d never do that to you. Only if you asked me to leave you alone, okay?” Remus kissed their temple. “Let’s get you cleaned off, hmm?”

“Yeah, okay,” Sirius said, smiling softly as they sat up, moving off of Remus. “I’d like that.”

Remus sat up then stood up off the sofa, offering a hand to Sirius. “Come on, love.” Sirius slipped their hand into his, smiling up at him and squeezing his fingers as they stood up. Remus brought them to the bedroom and stood them in the middle of the room. “I’ll get a cloth, get undressed.”

Sirius grinned, immediately starting to undo the buttons of the shirt, still looking a little flushed.

Remus didn’t want to leave them, they should have brought them into the bathroom first. “I’ll be right back.” He kissed their temple. They looked like they had been well fucked, but they just got off listening to Remus.

“Okay,” Sirius hummed from the bedroom, shrugging off his shirt. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” Remus grinned as he wet a cloth. He hurried back to Sirius in the bedroom. “Here, princess.”

Sirius was sat on the edge of the bed with Remus’ shirt pooled around them when he came back in. They took the cloth and cleaned up, smiling softly. Remus stood in front of them, watching with a soft smile.

“Are you happy?”

Sirius nodded, throwing the cloth into the laundry basket. “Yes, very much.”

Remus nodded as he got undressed down to his boxers then climbed into bed. “It felt good to give that to you.”

“Mhmm,” Sirius murmured, shifting back onto the bed and moving up next to Remus. “It felt nice to have you back like that.”

“You’ve been so understanding, it mustn’t be easy when you want to get off and I haven’t been interested in much at all.” Remus held his arms open for them to cuddle against him.

“No, but I can sort myself out, I don’t want you to feel… pressured.” Sirius wriggled closer into his arms, putting their head on his chest.

“I know.” Remus pressed a kiss to their forehead. “I love you, my pearl.”

“I love you too, caro.” Sirius kissed his cheek, smiling.


	20. Chapter 20

Sirius and Remus were going to Tuscany tomorrow. 

Tomorrow evening, they were going to board a plane and go and get married. Sirius was so excited. Everything was slowly returning to normal between them now, they were getting used to each other again, especially since Sirius walked into the living room wearing their collar. Remus had surprised them yesterday and suggested they revisit  _ Madame Malkinns, _ the sex shop, before they went away. Sirius was more than happy to oblige, hoping Remus wasn’t feeling pressured to do anything in the bedroom.

Honestly, Sirius’ head hadn’t been anywhere near sex recently, too excited for their wedding, with everything they had to do and the fact they were going to  _ marry _ Remus buzzing around their head. But when Remus showed interest, they couldn’t help but be interested too.

Sirius met Remus on the bus like they did last time and they talked about their day before getting off the bus and walking the short distance between the bus stop and the shop. Sirius squeezed Remus’ hand in theirs. “You have anything in mind from here?”

“Blindfold?”

Sirius bit their lip, smiling softly at the idea. “Oh yeah? Want me to blindfold you?” They teased, knowing Remus wasn’t really into that kind of thing.

“I was thinking about how much I could tease you with one on.” Remus grinned. “Oh, and some more rope.”

“Mmm, of course, more rope.”

Remus kissed their temple. “What else do you want?”

“You know I like the pretty things,” Sirius said, pulling open the door to the shop. “Maybe something pretty for me to wear, mm?”

“Sure, something pretty for my princess.” Remus’ cheeks flushed. “Whatever you want.”

Sirius saw that flush and grinned, latching onto it. “You have anything pretty in mind? Anything floating around your gorgeous head?” They kissed the back of his hand, looking around the shop to see what caught their eye.

“Maybe a new harness…” Remus led them over in that direction.

Sirius smiled, letting him lead them. “Oh yeah?”

“Something very pretty, oh, this.” Remus held up a harness with leather bows on the side. “Very pretty.”

“Ooh…” Sirius reached out, running their fingers over the edges of the straps. “You and leg harnesses, caro.”

“This will really make your arse look nice.” Remus smirked.

“You think everything makes my arse look nice, darling.” Sirius snagged the harness from him, holding it up against them.

“That’s because everything does.” Remus watched them. “Let’s get it, please, princess."

Sirius laughed at the look on his face, the way he was looking at them. “Okay, okay.”

“Brilliant, let’s look at the rope.” Remus grabbed their hand.

“Of course, darling,” Sirius said, grinning as Remus made a bee-line for that area of the shop. “Should I ask what you’re planning, for  _ more _ rope?”

“We don’t have enough rope for a full body bind.” Remus shrugged. “Plus, we have a four poster bed in Tuscany so I could probably tie you to those…”

Sirius grinned, hooking their arms around his waist. “Probably, couldn’t you?”

“Would you like that?” He asked putting his arm around their shoulders.

“Mhmm, I love you tying me up.”

“I know.” Remus kissed their cheek as they got to the rope. “What color?”

“We have red already,” Sirius said, holding onto him still as they leaned closer. “What do you think would look better against my skin?”

“Hmm, maybe black, oh, that green is the same color as my suit.” Remus pointed.

“Black sounds ni — ” Sirius grinned, biting their lip. “Oh, yes, I like that green. Mm, you can tie me up on our wedding night wearing your suit.”

“Ah, I like those plans.” Remus grabbed two bundles of the green rope. “Where to next?”

“Mmhm, I thought you might.” Sirius glanced around, seeing what else grabbed their eye. “You said you wanted a blindfold, didn’t you?”

“Yes, let’s get that.” Remus hummed. “Is there anything else you wanted?”

“What kind of blindfold? Oh.” Sirius saw some strips of silk next to the blindfolds. “Hey look, multi-purpose. You could do all sorts with this.”

“Oh, yeah, I like that.” Remus nodded. “What color do you want?”

Sirius laughed. “I don’t know, caro. I won’t be able to see it. What do you think would look good?”

“Let’s just get the black.” Remus shrugged. “I’m not really bothered with the color. They’ll all look nice on you.”

“Black would match nicely with everything else, and I reckon it would look good with how pale I am, hm?” Sirius smiled, kissing his shoulder.

“Yes.” Remus laughed, grabbing one of the black ones. “What else, love?”

Sirius felt their cheeks heat a little, chuckling. “I don’t know, Rem. I like looking pretty and letting you do things to me.”

“Is there anything you want to buy to make you look pretty? I’ve picked out all this.” Remus held their things in his arms.

“Don’t you think I always look pretty?” Sirius said with a grin, teasing. 

“You always look pretty.” Remus kissed their temple.

“I think that new harness would look very pretty, especially if you tie me up.” Sirius was trying to fight the blush on their cheeks, trying to think of something else they wanted to buy but Sirius loved what they had already.

“You don’t want handcuffs or a toy or… I don’t know, something you’d like to use on me?” Remus frowned a little.

“I like you tying my hands together, I don’t care about handcuffs.” Sirius bit their lip, looking at Remus and wanting to wipe the frown from his face. “Is there something  _ you _ want? For you, I mean? You like that plug, don’t you?”

“Yeah, I like the plug. I don’t know, I just thought you might want to buy something. I have enough. All this in my arms is what I wanted.”

Sirius smiled softly. “Is that okay? I like what you’re carrying.”

“That’s fine. As long as you want it too.” Remus nudged them. “Let’s pay then.”

Sirius felt a little better as they paid and made their way home. They felt a little bad in the shop because they weren’t contributing to what they were getting, but Sirius honestly didn’t have anything they were desperate to try out. They were happy to do whatever Remus wanted, they liked doing what he wanted. Remus reassured them a little that he was happy with everything, and that helped.

Once they got home, Sirius gave Snuffles some love before going through to the bedroom to try and start packing for their trip. Remus was packing with them side by side and when Sirius was about half way done, Remus grabbed them. “Hey.”

Sirius made a little noise of surprise as Remus grabbed them, sinking into him. “Hi, caro.”

“Put your collar on, get undressed, and get yourself ready on the bed.” Remus pressed a few kisses to their neck.

Sirius squirmed a little, tilting their neck. “Yeah? Ready — ready for you?”

“Or the plug.” He shrugged, dropping a few more kisses.

“Oh, okay,” Sirius murmured, already feeling their body reacting. “Okay, yeah.”

“Thank you princess.” He kissed them softly then let go of them. “Go on.”

Sirius sat back, running a hand through their hair before standing up. “Are you going to watch?” They asked, pulling their shirt off.

“Yeah, I’ll watch.” Remus sat on the ground by his luggage.

Sirius shivered a little at his tone, dropping their shirt and pulling off their jeans, then their briefs. They glanced across at him as they went to the dresser. “Which collar?”

“Whatever one you like.” Remus shrugged, watching Sirius go over to the dresser. Sirius pulled open the drawer, thinking they would probably go for the thinner one and —

“Er…” Sirius frowned, picking up the metal collar sitting in the drawer next to the others, the one they’d tried on in the shop that first time, with the silk rope knot that was £300. “What did you… Remus tell me you didn’t pay full price for this?”

“Ha, no, it’s not even from the store. I found it on Etsy for less. Now put it on and get ready.”

Sirius grinned, biting their lip. “It’s beautiful, thank you.” They paused, fastening the collar around their neck. “You’re my sugar daddy now, you know, buying me all the pretty things.”

Remus flushed. “I don’t mind.” Remus grinned. “Now get ready.”

“Where do you want me, Daddy?” Sirius said with a grin, looking forward to Remus flushing at the term.

His eyes went wide then he smirked. “On the bed, princess, I already told you. Get ready now.”

Sirius had to admit they were a little thrown by the way Remus kept taking everything in his stride. He was definitely a kinky bastard and Sirius loved it. They climbed onto the bed, catching the reflection of the metal collar in the mirror, loving the feeling of it and how it looked. They crawled up to the head of the bed to grab the lube from the windowsill and poured it onto their fingers. “Like this?” 

“Yes, princess.” Remus nodded as he paused in packing his bag. Sirius made a little huff of disbelief when they saw Remus was still packing when they were easing a finger into themselves. They moaned softly, eager to draw his attention. Remus stopped, and watched Sirius with a slight smile. “Feel good?”

“Mmmhm,” Sirius hummed, working their finger in and out. “Wish it was you though.”

“Add another finger.” Remus sat back.

Sirius did so, groaning softly at the stretch because it was a little quicker than they usually did but it felt so good. “Yeah?”

“What are you thinking about?”

“How much I want you in me,” Sirius replied instantly, feeling a little breathless.

“Too bad I’m not fucking you today.” Remus hummed.

Sirius squirmed a little. “What are you gonna do?”

“What do you think I’m going to do?”

“Put the plug in me, I hope,” Sirius said, moving their fingers a little slower.

“Yeah, what else? Add another finger if you can.” Remus’ voice was low.

Sirius moaned softly, taking a moment to ease another finger in. “Tie… tie me up?” They realised what Remus might have planned all at once, biting their lip. “Are you gonna… gonna make me wait?”

“Yeah, I’m going to finish packing for us after I tie you up.” Remus licked his lips. “Then maybe I’ll watch something.”

Sirius squirmed, groaning. “Ah… yeah?”

“Yeah and you’ll have the plug in the whole time, so I won’t be totally forgetting about you.” Remus stood up.

“O — of course.” Sirius twisted a little, watching him carefully. Their insides were already twisting warmly at the idea.

Remus opened the night stand and took out the red rope and plug. “Are you going to be good?”

Sirius’ eyes flickered shut for a moment, smiling as they bit their lip. “I’m always good for you, caro.”

“No you’re not, you’re a brat.” Remus set the rope down then grabbed the lube.

“You love it,” Sirius shot back, removing their fingers.

“Yeah.” He took the plug, putting some lube on it before moving between Sirius’ legs. Sirius watched him over their shoulder, wiggling their hips a little. He pressed a few kisses to their shoulder as he eased the plug into them. Sirius moaned softly, their head dropping forward at the press of it.

“You’re so good, princess.” Remus pushed it all the way in. “That feel good?”

Sirius shuddered, getting used to the plug inside them for a moment before nodding. “Yes.”

“Would you really rather me inside you after?” Remus asked, pressing a line of kisses up their neck.

“Ahh… I — I love your cock in me.”

“That wasn’t an answer.” Remus laughed, giving them a sharp slap on the arse.

Sirius yelped, huffing a little laugh. “Shit, ah… What — what were you going to do?” Sirius remembered what Remus said two weeks ago, about riding them after. 

“I was going to ride you. But you seem to really want my cock. What you want, depends on how I tie you up.”

“I — Okay, okay, I want you to ride me.”

“All right.” Remus chuckled. “Okay, I can do that. Now sit cross legged on the bed.”

Sirius turned around, sitting back and making a soft noise at the way the plug pressed into them sitting like this. “Ah… Rem.”

“I’ll do your legs first.” Remus grabbed the rope and started to looping and knotting the rope down Sirius’ right thigh, connecting the rope cross to their calf. Sirius squirmed a little to try and get comfy, adjusting to the pressure of the plug. “I like this one.” Remus finished the last knot on the ankle the looped it over their foot.

“Yeah?” Sirius’ voice sounded a little shaky, watching the look on Remus’ face as he tied them. “It looks pretty.”

“Yeah, it looks pretty on you…. I’m going to need the new rope for your arms I think.” Remus reached for the other bundle of red to repeat the tie on Sirius’ other leg.

“Mhmm,” Sirius murmured, reaching out whilst their hands were free to brush through Remus’ hair. “Good job we bought more.”

“I know, we’re very smart.” Remus was concentrating on the knots.

Sirius smiled, stroking through his hair, adoring the look on his face. “You’re very smart.”

“You are too.” Remus turned to press a kiss to their lips.

‘Mmm, thank you,” Sirius murmured, leaning forward to kiss him again.

Remus nipped at their lips then went back to finish tying their legs. Once he was done he got off the bed and went to get the other rope. “Hands behind your back,” he said as he picked up the green bundle.

Sirius smiled. “ _ Please _ .”

“I told you to put them behind your back, Sirius. Don’t you want to be good so I can be nice?” Remus came back to the bed, moving to sit behind them.

Sirius bit their lip, they wanted to be  _ good _ , but they liked Remus to ask them nicely. Last time they did that, they got tickled, though, and they didn’t want that tonight. “You like it when I’m bad too,” they said, putting one hand behind their back.

“Mmm, yeah, but I want to be really nice to you tonight.” Remus kissed their neck then started to loop the rope around their wrist. Sirius bit their lip, shifting to put their other hand behind their back, moaning softly at the shift of the plug.

Remus tied the rope up to their elbows, nice and tight so Sirius couldn’t wiggle out of it. “Okay, you’re all done.”

Sirius wriggled their shoulders, testing the way they could usually dislocate their shoulders. Remus knew them too well, and they couldn’t really move.

“Be good.” Remus kissed them on the lips quickly before grabbing the remote and moving back to the floor to finish packing. “Do you have everything out that you want packed?”

Sirius kissed back, groaning softly as they wriggled a little more. “Yeah, I think so…” Sirius tried to think through what they had gotten out already, but they couldn’t quite focus with the plug in them and the press of the rope. They knew their wedding outfits were already packed in the garment bag, which was good, but they couldn’t remember what else they had out.

“Are your wedding outfit choices in that garment bag?” Remus pointed to the bag hanging from the wardrobe next to Remus’.

Sirius nodded. “You can’t look.”

“I’m not going to, I’m just making sure that it’s not in your bag here so I don’t see it.” Remus carefully folded one of Sirius’ shirts.

“Okay.” Sirius shifted again, trying to relax but they couldn’t find a way to sit without the plug pressing against them. The rope was all snug against their skin and it was hard to think past it.

Remus smiled at them then clicked the control to the lowest setting.

Sirius moaned, dropping their head forward at the sensation. “Oh fuck, ah…”


	21. Chapter 21

Remus was nearly done packing for them, he left Sirius’ bag open and set aside so they could check it over for anything they may be missing. Sirius was too preoccupied with being tied up and Remus’ occasional torture with the plug. Remus was glad that he was finally feeling comfortable enough to have sex again. He had done a lot of work with Poppy to get to this point.

“Are you okay, princess?” Remus asked after zippering his bag up.

Sirius nodded, a soft noise escaping their mouth. They were all flushed and panting a little. “Mmhmm.”

“All done packing, ready for our wedding, I’d say.” Remus stood up then paused. “Sirius, do you want water?”

“I wanna fuck you.”

Remus made a tsking sound. “That’s not what I asked.” He turned the plug on to the highest vibration.

Sirius whined, squirming a little like they were trying to get some relief.

“Water, Sirius? I want to get you a glass anyway. Can I leave you for 30 seconds? You can count.” Remus didn’t want to leave Sirius because they asked him not to. He really should have thought this through.

Sirius bit their lip. “Thirty seconds?”

“Thirty seconds.” He turned off the plug. “I promise. Right when I step out the door, start counting.”

They slumped a little when the plug was turned off, panting a little. “Okay, yes please.”

“Okay, start…” Remus went towards the door. “Now!”

Remus basically sprinted towards the kitchen. He could hear Sirius counting, their voice a little shaky, as he got a glass of water. When he came back to the bedroom Sirius’ eyebrows were a little pinched together, biting their lip hard.

“How’d I do?” Remus was a little breathless as he went towards the bed.

Sirius watched him for a moment before nodding. “Twenty three.”

“Good, I told you.” Remus kissed their forehead before holding the glass up to their lips. “Have some.”

Sirius watched him as they drank some of the water, still sitting up straight. Remus brought the glass down, setting it on the table. He kissed them slowly. Sirius kissed back instantly, leaning forward to meet him. Remus’ hands went up into their hair as his lips traveled down their jaw to their neck. “You’re being so good, princess.”

Sirius hummed into the kiss, squirming a little.

“I’m going to watch something I think.” Remus moved, grabbing his laptop from the nightstand.

Sirius made a noise of annoyance, wriggling a little more. “Really?”

“Oh, yeah, now I am, for sure.” Remus sat on the bed, moving to his side carefully then turned on the plug.

“Ah!” Sirius’ head dropped back, another noise escaping their lips. “I need you.”

“You’ll get me soon.” Remus opened his laptop.

“No, I want you now.” Sirius groaned, wriggling as much as they could against the ropes. They were all flushed down their neck and chest, their cock hard. “You made me wait al — already.”

“That’s too bad.” Remus moved and turned Sirius to face the laptop.

Sirius resisted for a moment, as much as they could (which wasn’t very much), their head still tilted back. “Ah, you’re such a bastard.”

Remus raised an eyebrow, clicking the vibration to its highest then reaching over to tickle Sirius’ side. Sirius practically shrieked, trying to writhe away from him.

“Ah, fu — fuck you, Christ Remus, get off!”

Remus didn’t relent, moving closer so his other hand could tickle them. “Is that how you ask?”

“No, ah, no! No, stop, sto — ah. Please, please stop tickling me,” Sirius managed to grit out. Remus imagined they were trying to squirm away from his tickling but not move too much against the plug.

Remus stopped, sitting back and reaching for the remote to turn the plug off. “Thank you, princess.” He smiled before moving to take his shirt off.

Sirius nodded, panting hard. Their eyes followed his movements as they wriggled to try and get comfortable again. Remus tossed his shirt aside then opened his laptop then logged in before clicking on to his browser. “What should we watch?” He asked, even though he already knew what he was going to put on.

“Something short,” Sirius said through their teeth.

“Oh, okay.” Remus typed in a website that had the most tolerable porn.

Sirius’ eyes widened. “Remus…”

“What?” He clicked on the first video that seemed decent enough. One of the blokes was rather good looking.

Sirius clenched their eyes shut. “You’re so mean.”

“I thought you wanted this, princess.” Remus struggled a bit to get out of his jeans and briefs.

“I didn’t think you’d make me wait so long,” Sirius said, eyes still shut. “Or watch, watch fucking porn.”

“You like porn.” Remus grabbed the lube.

“I like porn when I can touch you or myself, not when you’ve been teasing me for  _ hours _ .”

“It’s hardly been an hour.” Remus poured lube into his hand.

Sirius had their head tilted back, eyes still closed. “Feels like it.”

“Mmm, yeah?” Remus teased a finger against his own entrance, looking at the screen where the blonde man was now receiving a blowjob. Sirius didn’t say anything, just squirmed a little more, their eyes still closed. Remus snickered as he pressed a finger into himself then let out a long, exaggerated moan.

Sirius squirmed, making a little whining noise. “God, Remus…”

“Yeah?” He moved his finger inside of him, eyes on the screen, looking back to Sirius every so often.

“I — I’m… god, please, I need you to touch me or  _ something _ .”

Remus reached over, putting a hand on their thigh as he added another finger. “I’m almost ready.”

Sirius tensed a little under his touch, their breath catching. “Please.”

“I don’t want — want you to come yet, fuck.” He twisted his wrist. “Be good just a few more minutes…”

“I wanna come,” Sirius said quickly, breath hitching again. “I wanna be inside you.”

“Soon.” Remus moved back against his own fingers. “You’ll come soon.”

Sirius’ eyes flickered open, apparently overcome with curiosity, and they moaned sharply, looking at Remus. “Oh fuck, fuck look at you. Remus, I wanna — I need you, please.”

Remus arched up a little, pressing a third finger into himself. “Ah, fuck. Fuck, soon, Sirius.”

“Ah… Remus please, fuck — look at you, you look so good, I wanna be inside you. Please, please, please.”

“I love when you beg.” Remus felt his stomach do a flip at the words. “One minute.”

Sirius seemed to latch onto that, squirming again. “ _ Please _ , Remus, I love you so much I want to be inside you so badly, I wanna feel you around me, you always feel so good. Please, please I wanna be in you, I want you to ride me, please.”

With one more twist of his wrist, Remus removed his fingers than basically scrambled to get on top of Sirius. Sirius’ words worked so easily on him… okay not easily because they had been begging on and off for an hour now. “God, I can’t wait ‘til you’re in me.” Remus took them in his hand.

“Ah, oh my god, god, please, please,” Sirius mumbled, their body tensing, trying to lift their hips up towards his touch as they moaned.

Remus sank down onto Sirius, moaning at the stretch. It had been so long since Sirius had been inside of him, it felt like. It was so good. “Oh, fuck Sirius.” He wrapped a hand around himself, knowing that Sirius wasn’t going to last long at all.

Sirius cried out, throwing their head back. “Ah, fuck, oh fuck, you fe — feel so good. You feel so good Remus, oh my god. Ah fuck.”

“Fuck, I love you inside me.” Remus moved his body up and down, hand matching the intense speed. “Fucking hell.”

Sirius moaned, biting their lip hard. “Ah, you feel so good, you feel so good — oh my god I don’t — I’m so close.”

“It’s okay, come.” Remus panted as he could feel himself getting closer.

“Ah, fuck — I’m gonna, oh my god you feel so good, fuck — ” Sirius’ body tensed up beneath him, their shoulders shuddering as if they were pulling against the ropes. With a sharp moan they came, trying to lift their hips up towards Remus.

Remus met their hips, driving down against them as he rode Sirius through their orgasm. “Oh, oh fuck you’re so good, princess.”  Sirius moaned with every breath, tipping forward a little to press their mouth against his shoulder as they shuddered. Remus’ free hand held on to Sirius shoulder as he worked his hand over his own cock. “Oh god Sirius.”

“Ah, oh look at you, look at you Remus, god you feel so good,” Sirius murmured, words tumbling out of their mouth.

Remus trembled, wishing that Sirius could touch him, but he didn’t have the brain power to undo the knots just yet. He moved to press his lips to Sirius’ as his toes curled and his body tensed.

“Fuck,” Sirius said, moaning even as they were trembling with the aftershocks. “God, fuck I can feel you, you’re so — so close, co — come on, come on me, come on my cock.”

With a few more strokes, Remus came over Sirius’ stomach, back arching as he gasped. His head was spinning and everything was just  _ perfect.  _


	22. Chapter 22

Sirius breathed a sigh of relief as they stretched their arms above their head, glad for the freedom and feeling completely drained and sated in the best way.

“Shit, that was amazing.” Remus shut his laptop. “Are you doing okay?”

“Yeah… oh my god,” Sirius mumbled, rolling onto their side. “I don’t think I’ve ever come harder, fuck…”

Remus pressed a kiss to their lips as he reached over to set the laptop on the nightstand. “You were amazing princess.”

Sirius’ insides twisted warmly at the praise, grinning. “Did you like it?”

“I loved it. I love you. You’re so perfect.” Remus kissed their temple then settled down on the bed next to Sirius.

“Yeah?” Sirius bit their lip, cuddling up to him. “You were quite mean to me, you know.”

“Wasn’t it worth it?” Remus grinned, pressing a kiss to their cheek.

“It was  _ awful _ ,” Sirius said. They paused for a long moment, trying to keep the smile from the face. “When are we doing it again?”

Remus let out a loud laugh. “Ah, whenever you want, Sirius, whenever.”

Sirius grinned. They leaned up and kissed his cheek, then the corner of his mouth. “I love you. I can’t imagine letting anyone else do any of that to me.”

“I can’t imagine doing that with anyone else.” Remus wrapped his arms around them.

“Good. I like that this is just us.” Sirius still felt a little floaty, the residual stiffness of their shoulders and knees and a kind of overwrought sensitivity from being on edge for so long. “I love you.”

“I love you too. I love you so much. You’re amazing and I can’t believe I’m marrying you in just a few more days.”

“I can’t wait.”

Remus kissed them softly. “I can’t wait to spend my life with you.”

“Me neither, caro. I love you so much.” Sirius kissed back, smiling. “Have we got time for a bath before we pack the rest of our things?”

“Yeah, we’re pretty much packed, really. We also need to eat dinner.” Remus nuzzled their neck. “So bath then we can order something then finish packing.”

“Mhmm, yes please. I’m a bit sore,” Sirius said, smiling.

“We have that bubble bath stuff that mam gave you for sore muscles.” Remus sat up. “Not that she meant for this.”

Sirius snickered, stifling a laugh against Remus’ shoulders. “No, I don’t think she thought we would use it for this. But that sounds good.” They were quite glad that Remus didn’t seem to respond badly to the admittance they were feeling a little sore; it must’ve been obvious it was a  _ good _ kind of sore.

Remus pulled Sirius to stand up. “The villa has a bath.”

“Mm, that’s good to know for when you tie me to the four poster, hm?” Sirius grinned, glad for their flexibility and general resistance as they stood up. To be fair, if they hadn’t struggled so much, they wouldn’t be as sore.

“Yeah, we should pack some of our bath stuff, shouldn’t we?” Remus led them to the bathroom, arm around their waist.

“That would be a good idea, wouldn’t it? Might need it.” Sirius grinned, leaning in to Remus.

“You like it, the soreness, right?” Remus rubbed their side as they got into the bathroom.

“Mmmhm. It feels nice. Though, I probably shouldn’t have squirmed so much.” Sirius leaned their hip into the bathroom counter, smiling.

“No, probably not.” Remus rolled his eyes as he turned the water on in the tub. “Want to get the bubbles?”

“If you didn’t tease me so much I wouldn’t squirm.” Sirius stretched their arms over their head for a moment before going into the cupboard to get the bubbles Hope gave them.

“You loved it.” Remus straightened up then held his hand out.

Sirius slipped their hand into his, kissing the back of it. They knew Remus was wanting the bubble bath, but they were being purposefully obtuse.

“Stop being so cute.” Remus grinned at them.

Sirius nipped at his knuckles. “Never.”

“Give me the bubbles or you’re going to be so sore, love.” Remus laughed. “You can kiss my hand in the bath when you’re warm and comfy.”

“Okay okay,” Sirius said, smiling as they held the bubbles out to him. He was so good to them.

Remus kissed their cheek then went to fix the bath. He poured the bubbles in then handed the container back to Sirius. “Okay, let’s get in.”

Sirius set the container back down before crossing over to the bath and climbing in. They let out a sigh of relief sinking into the water, eyes shutting. “Oh this is nice.”

Remus climbed in on the other side to face Sirius. “God, yeah it is. If we ever move, the place needs a bath.”

“Mhmm,” Sirius murmured, putting their feet in Remus’ lap. “A big bath, for when we’re rich.”

“Yes a big bath and a room for pole and climbing and a piano.”

“Yes!” Sirius laughed. “You remembered.”

“Of course I do, that was the first time we hinted at moving in together.” Remus smiled, rubbing Sirius’ foot.

“At the jazz bar too.” Sirius smiled, leaning their head on the side of the bath and sinking a little lower in the water to get their shoulders under.

“Yeah, that was one of the first panics of us moving too fast for me.” Remus snickered. “Only a little one though.”

“One of the many panics,” they teased, rubbing their other foot over Remus’ thigh. “We moved quick, but I wouldn’t change a thing.”

“So many panics.” Remus laughed. “We did move fast, but I’m okay with it. I worried, obviously, but it’s right.”

“Nothing has ever felt more right.”

“This is the most right thing, ever.” Remus smiled a little. “Thanks for sticking by me through this shit, you know?”

“I wouldn’t go anywhere, Rem.” Sirius’ smile faded, feeling serious all of a sudden. “I love you, I want to be here with you.”

“I know, I love you too. I just, I was acting horribly at some points. It’s was so shitty.” Remus groaned.

Sirius nodded. “Yeah… I wasn’t helping too either.”

“But we got Poppy to thank for helping us see straight… and my mam and Lily…”

“James, Alice… Everyone. But we got there.” Sirius rubbed their hand over Remus’ calf, smiling.

“So as long as you don’t have any more brothers I don’t know about and I don’t have anymore arsehole exes, I think we’re okay.”

Sirius snickered. “No more brothers, no, and I hope you don’t have any more arsehole exes because my murder list is getting longer and longer.”

“No, just the one.” Remus chuckled.

“Right,” Sirius agreed, holding their hand out for Remus’ again. Remus took their hand and Sirius pressed a kiss to his knuckles. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” Remus watched them carefully. “Are you happy, love?”

Sirius smiled, squeezing his hand. “Very much. No one… no one has ever appreciated and loved me like you have, like you  _ do _ .”

“I’ll worship you, if you’d like because I can’t stand how much I adore you sometimes. I just want you to be happy.”

“I’m happy, so happy darling. Although, you know, feel free to worship me.” Sirius grinned, biting their lip.

“I’m fairly certain that I have before. I would love to again.”

“I feel like you worship me whenever you look at me.” Sirius shrugged one shoulder, smiling. “Never felt so loved before.”

“Same or so bloody understood, even when we can’t quite get it right at first with some things.” Remus tugged Sirius’ hand.

Sirius shifted so they could climb into Remus’ lap, sighing happily. “So understood.” They kissed his shoulder. “We argue, but that’s okay, isn’t it? We talk about things after, even if it takes us a while to get there.”

“Yeah, it’s okay. We talk things through and it works. Plus, conflict in relationships is normal. It’s not like we have screaming matches every other week. Though, I do wish you’d empty the bins more.” Remus laughed.

Sirius snickered, nipping his shoulder. “I wish you’d not leave the empty milk carton in the fridge. God, how could you Remus?”

“Welp, looks like that’s the end, huh?”

“Yep. Can’t handle that, after all of this.” 

“Nope, all over.” Remus scoffed wrapping his arms around them. “I love you, Sirius, I can’t wait to marry you.”

“I can’t wait either. I love you.”

Tomorrow, Tuscany. Then, it felt like they could take on the world.


End file.
